DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

He is aware, he just doesn’t like DD, at least that’s my read. He gets on great with DS and DD2 who share more interests with I’m consistently but as DD leans very sporty and social in her interests he just doesn’t engage with her.
DD asked our opinion on what tennis shoes she should get (was literally asking which colour) and his response was “I don’t like tennis why did you ask me”.
I feel for DD as when she was little DH focused on DS as he was the boy/older and DD was seen as my responsibility, by the time DD2 was born he became very over protective of DD2 but not so much of DD1 who he just never bonded with.

sounds a lot like main character syndrome, especially with the videos when she will be aware that not everyone on the family chat views / likes them

But she didn’t force anyone to FaceTime? Or even say anything about no one answering? She tried to call once. When no one answered went to videoing as though she was FaceTiming, surely that was smart of her as to a passerby they might have assumed she was talking to someone and therefor less inclined to say anything, which makes DD feel safer?
He didn’t have to watch the videos, or keep watching them if he found the first one annoying. Instead he watched them all then got annoyed at them.

I think she sounds great. But also that it’s okay for your DH to find her privately annoying. It’s not like he said it directly to her as he mentioned it to you? His feelings are valid too. Not all people are at the same energy level. One of my DC is really high energy, social butterfly, very curious, always asking questions and just generally never being quiet. I on the other hand an a low energy type of person, really need peace and quiet and find loudness overstimulating. I also find my dc a little annoying at times when it’s all relentless chatter. And that’s okay!

I love your enthusiasm for your dd's style, OP, and as a historian myself I find your husband's answer to dd quite weird

Does DH have autism?

Your daughter could have been me. I now realise I had ADHD and my father was autistic. He either couldn't or wouldn't like anything about me and vastly preferred my brother and sister. Any time I tried to engage him, I would get the same sort of put down as your husband is giving your daughter. I learned very quickly to modify my interests and my attempts to engage him in the hope of getting a few crumbs from him.

It's vastly damaging and has affected me my entire adult life. As a parent, I now see that it was his responsibility as an adult to behave much better and to try to meet me where I was. As a child, I just felt like a complete failure and that he was justified in disliking me so much, even though I couldn't do anything about it.

I would take some action if I were you. Don't allow him to get away with this grumpy, self-involved behaviour. Parenting is about stepping outside our comfort zone to meet our children where they need us to meet them. It's very possible that her behaviour is more extreme because she is unable to get his attention and approval.

At very least, make sure that you continue to celebrate all the wonderful things about her and let her know there is at least one person in her life who loves her unconditionally. I never had that, and I wouldn't willingly wish that on anyone else.

That's the kind of behavior I'd expect from a ten year old, not someone who could potentially be moving out in two years.

He didn't go about it in a nice way, but he has a point about her needing to grow up.

Mate, it’s not a big deal.
In any family some people will be alike more than others.
To me, you and your daughter sound fascinating but exhausting.
Give the bloke a break.

The problem with sending lots of unimportant messages is that you never know if they are unimportant until you already spend (waste) the time to watch them.

We had a co-worker who would think nothing of sending emails in the evenings/weekends and because we had an un-written policy of not sending emails at those times when they sent them you felt you had to read them then and there (we are on call 24/7/365 - think emergency medical stuff). They thought this was fine 'becasue while i send them out of hours you could have read them on Monday....'. Bloody annoying it was.

He's an arsehole. We can find people annoying and still be respectful. Lack of respect to his own DD is unacceptable.

She's annoying.

Your daughter sounds lovely! My daughter is just like that and yes, she can be annoying. It is normal for parents to go through phases of not liking their kids as it’s bloody hard work! I was recently diagnosed with ADHD so I have something to blame my intolerances on! I highly suspect my daughter has ADHD because she is full on too. Maybe that’s something to consider with your daughter. It’s clear from how you describe her that you love her to bits and are very proud of her. She is lucky to have you and sometimes, if she feels your love shining at her, it’s enough.

"When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.

The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying ‘You are too this, or I’m too this.’ That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are."

– Ram Dass

She sounds awesome! Exactly my kind of person. He sounds like he had over critical parents.

She sounds exhausting

Honestly I would find that a bit exhausting because that person expects that you pay attention to them the entire time, I understand she doesn’t expect anyone to watch the video right there and then but she would still expect everyone to sit down and watch it? I just can’t cope with anyone he needs sustained attention, if you can’t pay attenttion to your story then I can’t either. I also have little tolerance for someone singing at me if they are over 6yrs old.

It’s a massive personality clash tbh, I think he’s allowed to find her a bit annoying as long as he can still show that he loves her. He does need to display some patience for her, he’s her dad, it’s important she feels loved as she is even if he has to grit his teeth a bit. Also he’s allowed to moan to you as long as he doesn’t moan at her.

I’m hesitant to suggest you have her assessed again, she’s functioning, happy, doing well academically and socially. But she does sound ADHD.

The problem with sending lots of unimportant messages is that you never know if they are unimportant until you already spend (waste) the time to watch them.

This. I have a mate who bombards me with memes and shorts. Except I can see that until I open the message. I find it annoying and have said so. Your husband was blunt, but it sounds exhausting.

The two are poles apart in personality. Your husband can't relax with her action packed noise and program.

It's fair that DD1 should be herself as long as she doesn't disturb the rightful solitude of others. Could she be more considerate in communal areas of the house?

DH needs to find a way where he is not subject to her annoying habits. DH (and maybe other family members) needs a 'man cave' safe quiet place to retreat where no one will interupt him - a place where QUIET, STILLNESS IN PROGRESS is certain.

Remind DH that he and DD1 are very different and ask him to be more aware of his feelings, control his responses and read better when it's time for him to retreat. Remind him that it would be horrid if DD1 thought she was disliked.

Chat to DD1 about reading other people's levels of comfort factor and knowing when they need a restful environment.

She sounds exhausting and annoying . She needs to rein it in a little. Honestly if one of my family was sending me a stupid video of a pigeon and what to name them I’d block them too. I’m with your dh .

What’s wrong with annoying each other? I wouldn’t say to my kids “you’re annoying” but would say “that thing you’re doing is annoying me”. Kids need to know their actions can annoy others. I’m sure your DH does annoying things too!

@GugiGi This really chimed with how I was when a similar age...

Interested in every thing, every body...! (I have ADHD...).... I just wanted to live and engage in the world!

My dad was similar... Found me 'irritating' ... It WAS quite cruel... Similar where he would tell everyone about his day/thought processes but wouldn't extend it to his children.

It had a real profound impact on me-I ended up with a distant, disengaged relationship with him... And ended up telling him nothing...

Please don't let your OH dim your daughter! She'll mature

Very tricky for you, OP. I'm much more familiar with the reverse situation, a teenager finding a parent so unbelievably annoying that it shades into dislike! Talk to DD about giving it a break with the 'performance' side of her personality when at home. She probably doesn't realise that people who are vibrant and full-on actually grate horribly with some adults. (I'd avoid like the plague any adult who's 'the life and soul of the party'. Especially in the morning!) Talk to DH about escape mechanisms he needs to use whenever his nerves are so jangled that he can't stand another minute of it. Be frank with DH, and don't blame him for how he feels: right now, at this age, DD is simply not his cup of tea, so sort out how he can control expressing that, out of kindness, reassuring him that she'll change as she develops a fully adult personality.

They do need to find the delayed send... Or put 'non urgent /for Monday - as part of subject line surely?

Would annoy me if in a safety critical role.

The issue is not calling her annoying, imo. Sometimes my own kids are annoying, and I love them dearly. I'm pretty sure I'm annoying to them a lot of the time as well.

The issue is that he doesn't seem to LIKE her. You mentioned that he wasn't involved with raising her, but stepped up for the other two. That he makes her come to him and match his interests for.any bonding to happen. That he ignores her calls when she's away from home in the evenings (walking home - what if she'd been in danger?). That snapping at her over the history question just sounds like "Ugh... YOU." None of that is okay.

Family members annoy each other all the time and it's NBD. But a father disliking one of his own children and being so open about it does matter. He's trying very hard to create a black sheep.