DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I knew it would be your middle child before reading further. I'm a middle child with similar characteristics and my whole family made me feel like the annoying weird one growing up because they were all introverts. Don't let your husband make your daughter doubt her personality or she could shrink as a person as I have, always feeling undeserving of friendship and relationships. It sounds like she has enough positivity from you to prevent a lot of damage but nip this shit in the bud!

My dad does this, I put a thumbs up on all photos/videos. I also write 'wow' which covers all eventualities. This is easy peasy social skills which I'm guessing the DH is lacking or not motivated to learn.

To answer your original question. It's not unreasonable to feel sad about one parent treating one of their children like this, when that child is yours. I find it sad and she's not even my daughter. It's sad that your daughter has to go through it and it's sad that you now have a realisation that the person you chose to have children with behaves like this and doesn't have enough self awareness to realise the damage it will be doing to your shared child.
I think you have to point out to your husband the situation as you are seeing it and ask him to find something positive to say to her and if he feels negativity then just not say anything. It's probably all you can do at this stage.

Nothing helpful to add really. But she sounds delightful. And I’m an introvert.

Hi OP

I disagree with the responses that you should get her assessed for ADHD, what would be the point, she is happy, successful academically and at sport and socially...what would anyone actually be trying to determine or treat?

Also disagree with the responses that it's somehow your fault as your husband must be over compensating for you having your daughter as a favourite. I think you spoke about how amazing your daughter is, as the thread is about her, and because otherwise you'd have more people asking things about how she is getting on at school etc.

From what you've said, I think this is all on your husband. Yes your daughter sounds like she could sometimes be a little bit much for an introvert. But it sounds like your husband has no time for her at all, and doesnt really care about her, rather than say making time for her in small doses, or loving her but finding her irritating at the same time. It sounds like he decided from a very early age that they would have nothing in common and she wasn't worth bothering with. This really stood out for me when he said when she was very young "if she was going to be sporty that would be my responsibility". That's really shitty parenting and shows he wasn't interested in her reaching her potential or pursuing her own interests because they didn't align with his. Plenty of dads take their kids to activities that they have absolutely no interest in themselves. Because that's what you do as a parent - if you want to spend time with people who are just like you, you should go to a hobby group and make friends there, not have kids and then be disappointed they're not little clones. Plenty of introverted parents have extrovert children and the other way around, and they still manage to show they care and take an interest and meet in the middle because they love their children. They also often admire the differences rather than pour scorn all over them.

I was an introvert tomboy. One of my kids is an extrovert who likes traditional girly things like dancing. Do I like mingling with dancing parents at shows etc? Nope, but it's amazing watching her, I think it's fantastic how she does things like go on stage that I'd never have been brave enough to do at her age, even if I loved dance. Do I get annoyed with her? Sometimes, but I also appreciate the differences between us and think we can learn things from each other.

No matter what differences in personality and how much people 'like' each of their children, they should check themselves and make the effort to make sure they treat them the same, even if it doesn't feel as natural. She will have noticed that foe example he picks up her siblings calls but not hers. And you shouldn't let her stand up for herself with him and not interfere, she is a child! He says he doesn't want you to undermine him, but if he is being unfair (eg criticising her personality) then that deserves to be called out, and I'd be telling him that today and that you will call him out for every little example of him treating them differently

Where I am, no signs before 12 years of age is not diagnostic criteria for an ADHD diagnosis.

That said, this might be just a personality clash. Your daughter sounds extremely extroverted and high energy and on most of the day and your husband sounds more introverted. But he really has a point about going around asking if the Nürnberg trials were ethical. I can see where someone who has an interest in history would take that um, poorly. He was giving her good advice if she's just popping off with whatever comes into her mind.

I think she could tone down the social media use with immediate family. That can get really annoying. He doesn't have to watch her videos. He needs space. She needs to respect that.

He could set some time aside to engage with her in person. The little remarks that she's too this or that, he needs to say some positive things about her because he's very focused on the negative.

Sometimes people with BIG personalities can be really off-putting. She's 16, it's time to develop some balance.

As someone who gets pix of a frog outside my youngest's workplace, I can relate.

Your DH sounds like an absolute dick, if I’m honest - being an introvert doesn’t excuse being a twat about his own daughter, if the group chat gets a bit much he can just mute it.

Saying that, just because you don’t perceive something as annoying, it doesn’t mean it isn’t. Maybe he feels like your DD’s high energy is just too imposing on others and it’s simply a case of personalities not going well together.
I love my DD but she’s definitely a person that when she wants something, it has to be that very moment and it’s been very difficult to curb that. She also tends to message in short lines so you get a crazy amount of notifications for what could be a short sentence, or a 45min phone call if she’s bored at work. I’m trying to work on it in a way that doesn’t bring her down or makes her perceive herself negatively but sometimes it’s really difficult.

I think that it's a real shame if her father can't love her unconditionally. She'll have a father wound (Google it , it's a thing) and end up in therapy, if he keeps criticising her for being who she is

Funny how men can watch tv sports and game for hours on end, but a few random videos from a loved one sends them over the edge. I take interest in all my kids interests, pigeons included. He sounds like a miserable bastard, she'll be gone soon

outerspacepotato ·
" But he really has a point about going around asking if the Nürnberg trials were ethical. I can see where someone who has an interest in history would take that um, poorly. "

She wasn't "going around"- she was asking her own father who replied with a bizarre response.

Yet again, there is a new film out about Nuremberg right now in the cinema. This idea of whether things are ethical according to current norms but not the past is a live philosophical one.

She's more socially aware and educated than him, not the other way around.

I think the posters saying she is annoying or narcissistic are really missing the mark.

This seems to me to be almost the opposite- an overcompensating child always keeping busy, always alert to the needs of others, always trying her best, always seeking connection, because she’s essentially been “less than” every day of her life, in the eyes of her dad. She’s the stereotype of the neglected middle child but taken to an extreme. It’s an awful, awful dynamic and the DH has probably damaged her self worth perhaps for life.

I have no idea about ADHD but OP if she does display traits of that then be warned that rejection sensitivity is another trait of adhd people, so she will feel it all the more.

trauma also can manifest like adhd so perhaps all this behaviour is just a response to having a parent that doesn’t like her (and you should also sincerely consider that he doesn’t love her either).

OP - your daughter sounds lovely. Your H on the other hand sounds like an absolute dick.

She will know by the way - don't think that because she doesn't say anything or let on, that she hasn't noticed how he treats her.

16 y/o her might be prepared to put a brave face on it, and pretend it's fine - but adult her may take a different view when she realises that he is a shitty father who couldn't be bothered to make the effort with a child of his just because they were different to him and his interests.

Unless he steps up and sorts himself out now, he'll be sitting there in years to come wondering why she avoids him and doesn't want to see or speak to him.

I think expecting to have an audience for a continuous stream of thought can be a little self-indulgent. Most people learn to think before they speak because the people listening need to be considered. Having said that, it was a series of msgs that she was happy for the family to ignore...?
I could imagine enjoying the sheer vibrancy of her character if she was my daughter but wouldn't be as receptive if it was a friend.
Perhaps your husband just finds it a bit annoying. He clearly hasn't made that obvious to her as she's happy to continue on the way she is which is a good thing. Her self esteem seems very much intact. But he's allowed to have private thoughts and feelings.

^This 100%. She’s an extrovert with plenty of friends who should have a bright future. (Even if she isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.) Her dad should be encouraging her not belittling her. Yes, a parent’s role is to correct at times, but this seems to be more about his dislike of her, which goes back to when she was small.

It's a long while since I've read a thread on MN which has really affected me - but this one has. The number of posters trying to pathologise this girl because she's sparky and energetic and outgoing, is really really depressing.

The lengths that people will go to, to excuse the lack of effort and shit behaviour of a man who can't be arsed to even pick up his daughter's call, to chat to her so she feels safe when she's walking home and feeling a bit worried about being on her own.

I find this thread really sad. All these people posting agreeing with your DH that there is something wrong with your DD while she seems to be doing great and is well-liked, all because ONE MAN has an issue with her. Why is his opinion more important than that of her friends, her brother, her mother etc.

She should not need a diagnosis of anything just because her dad is not making the effort to relate to her/understand her.

I wonder if disliking your DD has something to do with the fact that he was not really involved in raising her. If he for example disliked your DS, he would have to look at his own parenting. With your DD, he can wash his hands of it and say it is not on him.

Yes this is exactly what it sounds like to me - DD is a highly energetic and sociable extrovert, and DH quieter and more introverted. Nothing wrong with either of these personalities but they both need to make allowances for each other.

I am not sure about this. I am an introvert although I live with another introvert DH and my son is an introvert I enjoy the company of extroverts and am attracted to their energy. Maybe I say this as one who doesn’t live with one?

I agree with this - OP is defending her while complaining about eldest sending equally pointless videos. You can love your child and still find them annoying! Of course, the DH shouldn’t be allowing this to affect their relationship but maybe he is fed up of OP constantly singing her praises.

I am an extrovert and envoy talking! But I stop when I realise people aren’t interested as I get that it is annoying. My friend’s DH is like me on steroids and extremely annoying. Constantly in your face and he does my head in!

OP has said:

'He is aware, he just doesn’t like DD, at least that’s my read. He gets on great with DS and DD2 who share more interests with I’m consistently but as DD leans very sporty and social in her interests he just doesn’t engage with her.
DD asked our opinion on what tennis shoes she should get (was literally asking which colour) and his response was “I don’t like tennis why did you ask me”.

I feel for DD as when she was little DH focused on DS as he was the boy/older and DD was seen as my responsibility, by the time DD2 was born he became very over protective of DD2 but not so much of DD1 who he just never bonded with.'

'I think I would have coped much better with his latest jab at DD if he ever said anything nice about her, but I genuinely can’t remember the last time he said something nice about her.

He is always saying “gosh isn’t DS just so intelligent, isn’t DD2s latest art just so lovely she’s so talented”. But even DD1s well done for her GCSE results was laced with “didn’t think you would pass”.

This all sounds as though he doesn't even like his daughter, never mind love her. Luckily her mum and her siblings love her but her dad is an objectively horrible father.

Historical events often get reexamined but he was giving her a warning that some might see her position and that could cause issues for her.

@HighlyUnusual, what's the name of the film? I'll probably go check it out. I like picking bones with history.

Right, so you told your DS19 that you'd posted on the Internet that you think his dad doesn't like his sister... And he then chimed in agreeing that their dad doesn't like her?

I mean none of that seems healthy. Why on earth would you tell him that? Plus does it not then ring massive alarm bells if your son can see sister isn't liked by their dad.

I wish people would stop wanging on about labelling her with a disorder. And now the husband must be autistic coz he’s nerdy about history and not very emotionally intelligent.

people are allowed to have quirky characters or even a few ND adjacent traits without needing assessing, especially if they are functioning very well generally.

a psychiatrist has assessed her and said she doesn’t have anything but obviously all you armchair professionals know better 🙄

honestly it’s sooo boring now

OP all your children sound lovely, your husband sounds like a boring bastard

As a teacher of 30+ years, I’ve met many insufferable children.
Do you believe that a child becomes the adult they are purely because of nurture? That all the children who end up as murderers, rapists, pedophiles are that way because of their upbringing? Because if that’s true, why is it not the case for every poorly raised child?