To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

Is your DS the one who doesn’t have special needs? If so, I think doing something just for him is important.

To add: nobody really likes sitting around during clubs but we do it for the kids.

No he's one of my boys with additional needs, he has autism and adhd. I do see your point though.

Would his dad be able to take him instead?

It sounds tough but I would stick with it if my child was enjoying it and gaining from it. Also, does he do any other clubs? If he has many others that’s different to this being his only out of school activity.

Hanging around at clubs is standard parenting I’m afraid, whether you’re on the bus or in a car. I spend a chunk of my weekend hanging around at clubs and sports.

It doesn’t sound logistically workable right now for the family. Fair play for trying but I wouldn’t continue with it.
If something more local comes up he can do that.
( and he probably won’t remember after a few weeks)

Maybe if dad can drive he can have a nap in the car too? And be back much earlier.

That sounds a bit much to deal with I would give it up. Could you find a different activity for your ds that's more convenient?

Does his Dad drive? If he is having to stay up until 2pm anyway might it not be better for him to drive him there and back. He would probably get back and in his bed quicker if he wasn't waiting for you to return on the bus

Just bring a book? It sounds as if it’s the hanging about that’s bothering you rather than getting him there on public transport.

Does your DH drive?

would it be possible to speak to other parents and do lift shares so your DH doesn’t have to do it every week. Or he drops and someone else collects?

The part that really wouldn't work for me is dh staying up until 2pm after a night shift...I used to work nights and thats just not sustainable if working that night.

Its hard if ds loves the club, and if you could take your other kids and pass the time with them eg little picnic and do reading/homework or something then I would feel it just part of being a parent, but it sounds like that wouldn't work for your family circumstances.

Not unreasonable for an activity to need to logistically fit in with the rest of the family

I'd stop. You're stretched too far, DH is probably beyond knackered after a night shift and the weather is going to make it more challenging for the next few months.

We have a similar dynamic/combination in our family and I have learnt to recognise the faint alarm bell ringing when we/I bite off more than we can chew.

You've learnt that x activity might be good for DS. You've learnt that anything with a long travel time by bus isn't feasible right now. That's ok. Stop and reassess.

Unfortunately most of us have to suck it up for the enjoyment of the kids.

Could you take the other kids and do something with them (walk and play?) of do you need to stay to supervise the activity?

Do the others get special time too?

I understand it’s tiring but I do think it’s important for all kids to have something of their own, especially in big families. It’s a balancing act though. Perhaps there’s a club after school or closer to home that he could do instead?

Can your mother take him instead or use a taxi service to help reduce time spent travelling.
Another option is to request direct payments for a PA to eventually take him.

I don't think it works if your dh has hardly any sleep.

The issue of hanging around would be "suck it up" territory

Maybe reframing the time "hanging around" would help?

Either use it as an hour to yourself, read a book, do a crossword etc or use the time productively get some admin done, reply to emails, order the grocery shop etc.

Is your Mum able to cope with the childminding on Saturday? Is your DH able to manage to be OK for work again? If they are managing and the problem is it's a massive pain in the arse for you then I think you should continue if it's benefitting your DC. I know its hard. Try to formulate a routine around it. Go for a walk or make phone calls etc. I often write lists and do my admin work during these times, I bring a coffee and try to enjoy the quiet. That said its much trickier without the warmth of a car, i do sympathise. If others are hanging around try to get to know them, you might be able to make an arrangement to pay someone to bring DC once in a while and you might meet some interesting new people too. More importantly your DC will hopefully benefit from meeting new friends and having that vital 1:1 time with you on the journey. You could take another DC sometimes, alternate just for a little day trip and quality time with them too.

This. He may be unsafe to drive, being so tired.

It’s exactly the same as working all day and then taking your kids to evening activities!

It sounds as if DS enjoys the activity and it might beneficial for him to have some time with you doing ‘his’ thing.

Is there a way to make the hanging around feel more productive and a bit of peace/time out for you? Take a coffee and a book? Get an online shop done so it’s something ticked off the to-do list? Go for a walk and get some fresh air and some steps? Knit/crochet? Catch up on emails?

I agree with some PPs that hanging around waiting for DC is pretty common - I find that I have to have a way to make good use of the time rather then just scrolling on my phone and watching the clock.

It’s not because if he usually sleeps after work, he’s been awake for 16hrs+ when he gets home.

I think as parents we take responsibility for our children’s wellbeing at the cost of our own. I’ve been there. The three children I chose to have, dragging back and forth to swimming lessons, dance, sports clubs. One car family so it was me a bus and pushchair with 3 under 6.

So you may have all these reasons you feel you shouldn’t have to do it but how much he gets from the group is what you should be asking yourself.

Is it? Evening activities would finish at a reasonable time. The OP's Husband has been working all night.