To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

@SummerFeverVenice

“Affordability isnt the issue thankfully, the problem is DS' special interest is busses and he's entirely obsessed with them. He enjoys the bus journey just as much as he enjoys the club and had a 1.5 hour meltdown last week when I said that's what we'd be doing from now on “

Pendung ss support eg direct payments can you use his dla to pay someone to take him out all day on the buses and to his activity?

He obviously has a great time on the bus as well as enjoying the club but in the long run he needs a mum who is not frazzled or resentful or stressed. Raising 3 kids is hard enough let alone when two have special needs and dad works nights. You know your limits and no one should judge you whatever decision you make.

It would be brilliant if the club ran after school or the same activity was held somewhere closer to your home
I'm guessing you've already checked, but I've oftentimes discovered something similar or the same at other venues is in the process of manifesting when I find the courage to enquire
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚🙏💚

I have DC with similar needs OP so I understand your circumstances. I'm also AuDHD myself so similar to you also.

My DC are 16 years old now so we're out of the other side.

In your circumstances, I would get a bus there and a taxi back. I always found my DC had very little left in the tank after an activity and it wouldn't take much to trigger a meltdown. So the taxi back makes sense and also means that your DH can get to sleep a bit more quickly. However, the bus there still gives your DS the pleasure of a trip.

Does he have any other special interests apart from buses? I am just thinking there could be something to make the taxi ride attractive. Can you whip out a toy bus from your bag on the way back? A special "taxi toy" that comes out in the taxi every week?

It might take a bit of adjustment but faced with not going at all, this might be a better option. How is his understanding? Could you give him the choice? Either we don't go at all or we get the bus there and taxi back? PDA often responds well to simple choices so that might be a way to handle it, if he's able to comprehend what you're offering.

Edit: I really think your DH needs to prioritise learning to drive asap. No one being able to drive in the extended family can be an added pressure that you would do without.

Re you struggling with hanging around at the club, take something to do for yourself. I cannot sit and do nothing, not ever. Games on your phone, reading, knitting, catch up on emails - plan to use that time for yourself while you're waiting. It could end up being actually quite enjoyable!

Best of luck.

Is it something you can do every other week or once a month? I have total sympathy as I'm also quite reliant on public transport and my daughter used to go to a gymnastics class that was a 10 minute walk, then a train, then a 15 minute walk and there was nowhere for me to go while she was in the class - parents couldn't wait inside as it was a studio type thing with no waiting area and it was around an industrial estate. All you could do was hang around outside which was better for those with cars with not so much for me. I hated it and we stopped going quickly. I was disappointed for her and she was disappointed too but there was no way I was doing it every week. Luckily her original class started again not too long after and it worked out. But trying to go anywhere, even living in a city, when you're reliant on public transport can be so difficult.

If I wanted him to keep going but was struggling with the journey I'd try and find a way to take him maybe once a month. If his dad or gran can take him and additional time sometimes then all the better.

As a non- driver myself I sympathise. Is it worth both you and DH learning to drive?
I feel like it would make life easier for you all.

It may seem like that, but it isn't.

Working nights disrupts circadian rhythm. If you work 11pm-7am you might think it would be okay to live on a sleep pattern of 2pm-9pm but in reality your body is under extra stress from working nights and needs longer to rest. This is why nights workers generally need more total hours of sleep, and have different working laws around rest periods etc.

I honestly think this situation is untenable due to the husband's shift pattern. The hanging around waiting is not the issue here, you suck that up, but staying awake until 2pm will break him.

It's what you do. I flogged through various clubs with my kids. I don't drive either but I've sat through many a tedious hour so that my kids could do dancing, gymnastics, brownies, cubs, boxing etc etc. At one point, my daughter had so many clubs, I made her drop one because I was exhausted & it was ok; she picked dancing above gymnastics. They're 50 ish now & I'm glad I put up with it; it would have been easy to back off.

Could you not take the other two with you and use the hour and a half to go for a nice walk as it’s in a rural location?

I used to take our son to his music lessons. They were also too remote from where we lived for me to get home and back in time. They lasted two hours, so I took a book, my phone and a flask, and waited in the entrance hall. The time passed reasonably fast with the book and the phone. He is now a professional musician, so I am glad I did it. Sorry to say it, but that’s life with kids - you need to put them first because they didn’t choose to be born and you are their hope for the future. But they pay you back in a million other ways.

I think you might be able to get some funding for this . Has your child got an ECHP? Contact the facilitator and see. If you’r DS likes the hobby it’s worth it . The other thing is to contact the runner of the activity and see if another parent can help, I know this is a bit of a leap in trust. I hope that you get some help, you’ve got a lot on!

It is 100% not the same! Night shifts are often much linger than day shifts and for many daytime sleep quality is not comparable to night time.

OP I work nights and staying up until 2pm betwwen shifts would be awful. I think this an needs a guilt free rethink

It would be unfair if he likes it to have let him join and then tell him he can't go back. Can you apply for direct payments maybe for someone to help you out to take him there and back for a bit of respite. A social worker would be the one to ask.

I think you should stop that activity and carefully select something that is both feasable for you to take him and for your child enjoyable to do. Also I think that your husband getting a driver's licence (and a car) might make life so much simpler for your whole family. Don't despair, there are lots of friendly after-school activities, you will find the perfect one ❤️‍🩹

Yes can maybe he could nap in the car while he’s waiting??

Clubs for Sen kids that they actually enjoy are hard to find. It sounds like the teacher recommended it as something helpful. This sounds like it could be really good for him

if op lives in an awkward place then no club will ever be convenient.

Most of the time issue is the bus ride. OP can afford taxis - how long is 4 miles? The venue is inside so should be ok to take the other kids.

tell him a taxi is the only option and maybe he could have some time with his dad and make a regular trip on the bus just the two of them?

I quite often get up at 5 am for an activity and we aren’t done with evening activities until 9pm. I honestly don’t get the drama here!

I think it's very important that he meets other children with similar needs to himself. If your husband has to stay up, would it not be easier and quicker for him to take him?

You said he loves the bus journey. Could you give up the activity and take the children on the bus instead?

Can you ask whoever organises the club if they have any suggestions. Maybe they could ask another parent or member of staff that lives close? Or could you arrange a taxi service? I know your child likes the bus but can you explain how hard it is to get there on the bus and a taxi would be better? Does your husband work on a Saturday night? If he doesn't would he be able to get less sleep or manage to keep awake until yous get back? My partner has to do this as i work on a Saturday morning and he works on a Friday Nightshift. It's hard work but I need to work and someone needs to watch the kids.

Meanwhile get your husband or yourself into driving lessons. I live in the middle of nowhere and passed my test a few months ago. If I can pass then anyone can. I was terrified of driving and was even sick just before my first driving lessons.

He doesn't drive.

Can dad take him and sleep in the car?

Can you mum take him?

If your epilepsy is well controlled on meds, you should be able to drive

Can your younger 2 join in as well?

Can you take your other 2 along and take a walk / picnic/ sit in café etc?

Why don’t you try a compromise, take the bus there if he loves the bus. Then take a taxi back so you can get home and DH can get to sleep at a reasonable hour?

Dad doesn't drive