To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

I had similar with a kids club, buses and a 2 hour wait, I used to find a quiet corner near the activity area and read a book. The time sped by and I got through several novels I wanted to read which was difficult to do at home having a large family. Win - win.

What time does your husband finish his night shift ? Is it possible for him to go to bed for a few hours get up and take him to the club and then go back to bed for a few hours if necessary when he gets back ? I worked nights for years and often split my sleep during the day if I had to get up and do something with my horses at a specific time

In terms of the standing around - I used to bring work or admin to do while my child did a club if it was sit and wait. I got a whole qualification just studying while my child was at a club. These days it's rarer I have to do this so I just bring a book to read

Other mums I know show up in running kit and use the time to go for a run.

Can't your mum take him? It seems you have signed your son up for something without to much thought and planning and I don't think it is fair to stop because of logistics,.is your son getting benefit from the activity is he bothered by the travel?

This is totally unworkable
your poor dh - lack of sleep is a killer.

It's two separate issues really, but it sounds like it is too much at the moment. Is there somewhere for you to sit inside, are there any shops or cafes nearby, or is it just literally in the middle of nowhere, with you hanging round outside. If there are some ways of passing the time, could you consider restarting in the summer and taking the other children with you, then take them to a local park, cafe or similar.

Yes, the time that you have, the hour and a half- sit with a cup of tea and do family admin. You have peace and quiet to do it. All those little things that seems to be forgotten about, sit and write your lists in the peace and quiet. I’m sure you get very little of that!

Or binge watch a tv series or call a friend. That’s a golden 1 1/2 you have there.

If your mum is willing to do the drive, then let her. Don’t worry too much. I’m sure she would tell you if it was too much for her.

Also, as time goes on, maybe there will be a parent thats willing to do a drop off for you etc

On a Wednesday evening I have to sit for 2.5 hours to wait for my 5 year old in martial arts. Can’t leave him in case there’s an injury etc. I have started just taking my laptop and working from there doing admin etc

Sleeping in short blocks of a few hours here and there is deterimental to health over time. Your dh needs the best sleep he can get between shifts otherwise he risks many medical problems which could add to your household concerns.

Would a taxi or uber be affordable? Even if just one way and the bus the other way

Is a taxi an option? DLA is awarded for these kinds of additional costs resulting from disability.

In your situation, if a taxi was viable, I'd take all the kids and find something for them to do and I'd suck up the waiting around. How old are they?

I understand you have the other kids at home but if your mum is willing to babysit id keep at it for your son, take an drink with you and even sit scrolling on your phone means you are having time to yourself,

I used to take one of mine to a Saturday activity on public transport there wasn't much to do i took a book or magazine and just sat for 90 minutes.

I'm really.leaning towards you getting a taxi and getting all the kids to come. That way your DH gets a quiet house and some proper sleep.
Could any of the other children sign up to do the activity too?

With all due respect you have obviously never done night shifts. I did them for years and the sleep is totally different with your body clock.
You can't change hundreds of thousands of years of how nature has developed the body and it's sleep needs. People who do nights are at higher risk of on going health problems far more than normal workers.

I haven't done them but I know people who do and I have so much respect for them! Particularly when they try and juggle it with children!

Yes also agree about the night shifts being worse for health but even without that, finishing at say 6am and still being up at 2pm is like finishing work at 6pm and going to bed at 2am, then having to get up in three hours' time for a full shift the next day.

Does ADHD actually have anything to do with this? As @Orangine said, no one thinks they’d love to sit in a car or at the side of a ballet class or whatever but it is part of having children.

I am sympathetic to the DH though as I don’t think it’s like working all day - night shifts are brutal - but I would try to keep your DS going if possible, even if that means calling on family for backup.

Take a book. Find something you enjoy for the 1.5 hours so you get a bit of time back for yourself. Sounds like your son needs something like this.

Thank you for the replies and considerations! To answer some questions:

DH works from 10pm to 8am. DS club starts at 11am and finishes at 12.30pm.

Ordinarily, DH goes to sleep around 10 - 10.30am in order to get sufficient sleep.

DH doesn't drive and neither does my DM. We are all entirely reliant on public transport, though this issue has sparked a discussion with DH about how restarting his driving lessons would benefit the family and make life a whole lot easier for everyone (him included)

My DM needs to get two busses from her place to ours and the journey takes 1.5 hours each way.

I think as it stands we're going to see out the rest of the term and then look for something closer to home.

Our DD does club activities but they are based at her school which is a 25 minute walk away so much easier to facilitate.

Our youngest is just 4 so not quite old enough for hobby clubs yet.

Bring your laptop or phone, or a book, or your knitting, or even a sketch pad and some watercolours, and use it as your hobby time.

Is there another family living nearby who you could share transport with? You take the kids on the bus (which is generally an adventure for kids that age who usually go everywhere by car), you come home so DH can go to bed and the other parents do pick up and drop DS at home?

I think your DH is more inconvenienced than you are by having to stay up with the other DC after a night shift. Whereas you just seem to get bored having to hang out at the club.

In the meantime I would take a book, ipad, anything to distract you while your DC is at his club and also look for something that he can do closer to home. I also think both you and your DH should start driving lessons as that will make things a lot easier.

Maybe speak to the coach and he could ask other families if they live nearby and could offer a list. Given your reason for not driving they may be amenable

Are ypu under ss children with disabilities?
You might be able to get an assesment and seek support for your ds to be taken there and back.
Your epilepsy needs can be taken into acvount.

And are you claiming all dla pip etc so you can use that towards taxis? And use dla towards dh driving lessons