To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

My dad always worked nights and was up until 3. I’d take my little sister when I got home from school, and then he’d sleep until 6:30 and go back to work until 7. He seemed to get in the swing of things although I can’t say it’s healthy! He’d sleep for a while on his day off to make up for it.

Can Dad drive and nap in the car while there?

I’d be keen to take him to something he enjoys.

Lots get up at 6/6.30 am and are still picking kids up from activities to get home at 9/10pm - especially if you have older kids too. Guides/Scouts etc often don't finish until later.

How much time does DH have with DC if he does night shifts over the weekend?

Does your mum drive could she take ds? It would probably be a lot quicker and easier if he is driven there. I don’t think you are being unreasonable as it sounds like you need to consider everybody not just ds.

And? They can go straight to bed then, and have the whole night to sleep, that is not an unusual pattern, that you have described.

Love, if it's not working then it's not working.
You are important too. Sometimes you have to do what works for all the family, not just one person.
Do not feel guilty.

It's nothing like working all day then going to a class in the evening. Night shifts are absolutely gruelling and a whole different ball game. I can't see how this situation can work for any of OPs family really apart from the DS.

OP - can you find anything closer to or even a different hobby he would enjoy just as much?

Can you take the other children with you, then your husband doesn't need to stay up. Take them to a park or take a ball for a kick around or something, take plenty of snacks and a tablet/phone to watch something.

Or do something for yourself during the time he's in the club - read or run, it get jobs done like online shopping.

If your dh drives it would be much quicker for him to take him, he can sleep in the car during the activity too (my dp does this one eve a week while my son is in an activity as he gets up for work at 4am).

Is there nobody else there from ds school you could see if they could help with a lift now and again (regular would be a big ask but I wouldn't mind if parent asked me to do this once a month or so).

The hanging around at the activity is the least of the issues. It's easily solved by taking a drink in a flask and a book or something else to do or going for a walk.

The rest of it seems more difficult. It's taking up so much time because of the remote location and having to travel by bus. Then you've got the issue of your husband having to stay up a lot longer to look after the kids. I'd need to know more about what hours he actually works before saying that he should or shouldn't stay up until 2 pm.

I think on balance it probably doesn't work. You could have a chat with your DH about it and whether there are any better solutions but if there aren't just drop it. It's a shame for DS but sometimes things just don't work. I've joined a couple of hobby type groups before and had to give them up for logistical reasons.

Do you get any PIP? Maybe take a cab

Night shift is tough on the body clock, you really want to get straight to bed.

But yes most of have been awake for 16hr after a day of work and then children's activities, it's not that unusual. The difference is if he's going straight back out for another night shift he'll only get 3-4hrs sleep.

Not liking hanging around is one thing, your DH not being able to sleep is another thing. And those suggesting your DH take him instead, he shouldn’t really be driving if he is in need of sleep! Unless you have another family member or friend who can take your DS, it doesn’t really sound like it’s working right now. It’s a shame though. Is there anything similar closer to home?

As someone who works nights, no it is NOT the same.

In your shoes, you have too much on so I’d drop the activity.

An 8yr old doesn’t need to go to clubs. My autistic DS is an older teen but has never attended any clubs, partly due to our rural location and partly due to the lack of non sports based clubs available.

Your son can socialise at school so don’t feel bad about him missing this session. You can reassess if your circumstances change in the future.

I also never went to any clubs as a child either. It’s really not that big a deal as some on here make out and he can always do stuff as an adult instead.

I can see the dilemma OP and whilst I agree to some extent with those saying that we all have to put up with inconvenience for our DC's benefit there is a limit to what is doable. You have to consider the well being of the whole family and it sounds to me that in this case the balance of benefit to your DS v burden to the rest of the family isn't great. We all want the best for our kids but some things just aren't workable.
I've done the work all night, look after kids during the day, work all night thing on occasion when my DS was away, ill or something and it's pretty awful. I wouldn't have wanted to do it on a regular basis. Working night shifts is unnatural and it's very draining for most people. The quality of sleep you get in the day tends not to be the same as you get at night either, so your DH is probably losing out on both time and quality of sleep. If it was a one off event I'd say he should suck it up for your DS's sake, but as a regular thing it's a big ask.
I think I'd be looking for some other kind of activity for DS that places less of a burden on everyone else in the family. It must be tough if it is something that he enjoys and benefits from but you already have a huge amount on your plate and it sounds like this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. You sound like a fantastic Mum but you are not superhuman OP and it's ok to say no sometimes.

If a teacher has suggested it and your child has additional needs you may find this activity is the one thing that makes your kid feel good about himself and grows his confidence so I would certainly try and find a way to make it work

is it something your other kids could also do or is there something nearby you could do?

I don’t drive and taking DS to football was a pain but he loved it and DD and I would either go to the cafe or the playground while we waited and then eventually she started playing at the same time

Can’t dh take him and drive so quicker and he can nap in car for hr

As a night shift worker it's unreasonable/ impossible simply because of what DH is having to do (unless sleeping nights/ on call style work).

Only solution I can think of is the car share suggested above where your DH takes him and returns home immediately to sleep, then another parent collects

Can you get a taxi?
Can you take the other children too do something with them while he is doing his activity?

I’d try and make it work. It sounds worthwhile for him and you do reach a stage of parenting where you are just hanging around at their activities.

Having worked nights, I know that driving after working all night is not that safe.

If it’s just about the hanging about driving you mad then I’d say suck it up. I think that’s normal for parents and most try to either do something productive in the time - shopping, admin, exercise etc or they take it as me time and chill.

However if it’s affecting your whole family then that’s a different matter and you either need to think of a better routine or unfortunately your DS can’t do this particular activity. Maybe your DH could drive him there and you and the other kids get bus or taxi to pick him up?

Working nights is completely different and not at all comparable to daytime working(I worked nights for several years.)

Could his father take him and snooze in the car while the hobby takes place?