To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

But op has said money isn’t an issue so taxis are ok

It is nothing like that. The exhaustion from night shifts isn't comparable to a 9-5.

It does have to be her DH.

Have a re-read of the OP.

Her DH would still have to stay up 4 hours after his normal bed time after a night shift.

3 kids and no parent who can drive a car sounds very difficult. Long term DH should learn to drive and prioritise that so that kids have more opportunities and the family is under less stress overall by being reliant on buses. If you lived in a city that would be different but semi-rural living requires a driver.

My bad, missed the epilepsy

Not if she takes them all with her and does something with the younger two.

I forgot to add, you need to tell us how long you’re gone for in total so we can actually give you any advise.
My son plays ice hockey in a very cold rink and I see parents with siblings there all the time hanging out for hours. I for one love taking him and just chatting with the other parents, going for a run in nice weather, reading a book, catching up on uni work…

This is fair,

Again fair point i was just going by my experience .

Take the little ones with you? Or send DH with him, he might enjoy the aimlessly standing around if he's tired. Could take a folding chair.

I don't know where in the country you are OP but in Scotland any child with a disability is entitled to an assessment...did DS get an assessment before they said he wasn't in need of support ? A direct payment for someone to take him to this club would be such a support. If they won't give you an assessment or have said he isn't in need I would suggest getting a local councillor involved or MP. When I was a SW in this field it did get things done. Good luck 💐

So tell him you're getting a bus there but a taxi back so you can get home quickly so daddy can go get some sleep.

Sounds like it would be sensible if your DP learned to drive!

The only way it would be comparable is if you were taking your kid to a weekly activity that ended at 2am.

The day time is when dh needs to attempt to sleep, just like you would expect to be back from kids activities by 10pm to settle down to sleep if you worked days

If it doesn't work for the family then I would stop the class. These things have to work for everybody, otherwise it builds resentment.
Just saw that he loves the bus journey, could you incorporate that as an activity in it's own right. My son loved buses when he was younger, still does, and we gave ourselves a challenge to travel on every bus in London (not the whole route but at least some of it). That became our thing, he even got to plan the route.

I think that four miles on the bus is not that far and the hanging around is just part of being a parent. I'd just take a book, listen to a podcast, scroll MN or whatever.

How does your husband feel about it though? I think him not being able to sleep is the main issue and would go with whether he can cope or not.

That sounds really tough, op, and I sympathise. My dd is quite similar, though not quite to that extent. If I explained to her that the bus journey was no longer possible if she wanted to go to the club, I'd give her the option of either going to the club by taxi, or unfortunately having to give it up. I realise that PDA is particularly challenging, so negotiation is often necessary for these kids to feel more in control of decisions. Would he be placated if you agreed to get the bus just one way? Maybe easier to go there by taxi (as there's a time pressure) and bus home (when there's not).

Negotiate in the short term.

bus there for him. Taxi back for mum.

see if you getting back via taxi means DH can sleep earlier.

if not you’ll have to consider other arrangements such as a carer to take him - there are carers that can and do do this!

or him giving up for the short term.

No it's not. It's like working all day then staying up to 2am to go and pick your teenager up from a night club, then being back in work again at 8.

That depends where you live. I have lived in a lot of places and 4 miles on a bus can mean 20 mins travel or 90 mins travel. Not all places have regular direct bus services.

I suggest two options

1. bus there and taxi back. Explain rules to Ds. So he gets bus one way. That should get you back a bit earlier

2. can you alternate and take all three children with you every other week? So it’s only two Saturdays a month dh gets less sleep? Either take the other two to a cafe nearby if there’s one, or just allow them
   both iPad time, take travel card games and colouring or whatever the other two like for 90 mins.

How would

mum comes over Friday night and stays

you get adult company (H at work) and a back up in case you need to go to hospital (rare) or whatever

H comes home and sleeps

you and son go to club on the bus

when you get home mum can get bus home

even if H passed driving test and you got a car that doesn’t help his sleep much

long term solution H tries to find daytime work

Totally off topic but you have no idea how much I needed to read this today to know I'm not alone. My 5 year old son is suspected as having autism with pda profile. I'm so glad to not be the only one who feels like the slightest thing leads to biting/throwing things. Felt like I must be the worst mother ever to not be able to stop him.

I think @Caspianberg and @frozendaisy have some good suggestions - or either a mixture of both.

Let’s be honest even if dh starts learning to drive tomorrow what with the wait for driving tests he is unlikely to pass in the next 6+ months so an alternative should be sought.

But op, it is ok to say this isn’t working right now so let’s revisit in a few months and have a look around for what is available closer to home.

If your son's headteacher recommended I assume it's because his school thought it would be something that would be helpful for him.
Is there anyway you could take your other two children with you and the three of you go for a walk or do something together?
I'm afraid hanging around while your children do activities is part of parenting.