To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

We/DS does get DLA and has an EHCP. I've heard of direct payments before but not entirely sure what it is. I'll look into it.

We're not under social services no. I tried to refer myself to the disability team of SS a few years ago for the purpose of getting some support for DS as he was really struggling at the time, in short we were fobbed off as wasn't deemed in need.

Is 4 miles a long way on a bus? Out nearest town is 4 miles away and it is around 15 mins.

Surely this is just part of parenthood? Facilitating our kids in finding themselves until they can do it themselves?

An 8yr old doesn’t need to go to clubs. My autistic DS is an older teen but has never attended any clubs, partly due to our rural location and partly due to the lack of non sports based clubs available.

This comment is absolutely awful. 8 year olds absolutely do need clubs. Any 8 year old would love and benefit from this. Thats fine if you didnt take your kids im not judging but do not begrudge this child an activity that may well be doing them the world of good. Dont put your own situation onto someone else and try to stop someone from doing something good for their child.

Your DH can't take him after a night shift this is a recipe for disaster he could crash the car!! If it's too much find an alternative within a walking distance

Hanging around at kids clubs is just one of the pitfalls of parenting I'm afraid. Take a book and a thermos.

I tutor a 14yo girl for maths on a Friday evening. I tutored her some years ago, when she was primary age. So when they were looking for tutoring again, they reached out to me. Unfortunately, I've since moved to the other side of town since I last worked with them, and wasn't willing to travel personally...
Well, the dad drops her off at my house (I live a good 25 mins away) and picks her up an hour later. According to the DD, he goes home in the meantime! He must have literally 5-10 minutes at home before he has to drive back again! Rather him than me, but they seem content with the arrangement!

The club is not compulsory. Is there a field that the other two could run around in? Getting them tied and hungry?

When I take my eldest to tutoring for two hours. Me and my youngest either wonder around town, spend time in the library or go to a park. I heard glowing review from a family member about how her son caught up with school work by attending this particular center. Her son has similar traits to ds2. It has made a big difference, in his education. So we still continue on with it two and a half year later.

Ah neither of you drive. This is the problem then

Could you learn to drive? It would be useful if either one of you could, but doesn't have to be your husband.

As you also have epilepsy I’m shocked you were turned down for support.

RE taxis I have tried.

Affordability isnt the issue thankfully, the problem is DS' special interest is busses and he's entirely obsessed with them. He enjoys the bus journey just as much as he enjoys the club and had a 1.5 hour meltdown last week when I said that's what we'd be doing from now on 😔

My NT DC would deal with that no problem but DS is incredibly challenging. His autism (PDA profile) and ADHD means something as small as that can tip him over the edge and we spend the rest of the day dodging flying objects and trying to avoid being hit / bit.

As above, how long does the bus take? 4 miles can't be massively long?

Genuinely, once a week for 1.5 hours hanging around does not sound like a big deal. I'm firmly in the suck it up camp tbh, but I do spend 3 weeknight evenings sat in a town a 45 mins drive away for 2 hours each while my teens train. And am off to entertain an 8 year old on a rainy riverbank now for 2 hours while they do more...which believe it or not is more civilised than the usual weekend morning start times

4 miles is honestly nothing my town centre is 3 miles away and we have activity and arts centres 5 miles away thats 15-30 minutes on the bus.

Have you ever worked nights?

My DH gets in at 6.30am and barely makes it up the stairs he so tired. There's absolutely no way he could stay up until 2pm and then set off for work again at 5pm on 3 hours sleep 🙄

Can you bring the other 2 with you and take them to a cafe or playground while you wait for the 8yr old?

It’s not. Working nights is very different.

She’s explained she can’t due to epilepsy.

Could there be a compromise of bus there and taxi back?

With my pda kid we tend to get round this by involving them in the decision

so in this case it would be that your dad needs to sleep for work so we need to bring the others with us. We have 2 options - stop doing the club altogether or we all take a taxi there and back. And yes you may need to deal with a meltdown but you’ve planted the seed and I find with mine that once calm they can think about it

i sympathise as I know it’s hard but it sounds like this is a good thing for your DS

Do you live in the same place as the OP? Public transport is different in different places. Where I live now a 3 mile bus into town is fast and direct, with only 3 bus stops on the way. At my old house it was just under 4 miles but took about 90 minutes because it went through all the little villages and then a couple of bigger housing estates. She’s explained they are struggling so piping up with I would manage isn’t helpful.

I think this is something you should have thought of before starting him. It would be very cruel to start then take it away feom him as it’s too much hassle and none of you thought it through.

When I used to work nights I’d have my wake period in the afternoon as it was much easier, eg. I was up from 3pm-8am, rather than 10pm-3pm if that makes sense.

Maybe the bus times don't sync very well with the activity times?

We only have one bus an hour where we live and one train an hour.

Can you ask around about lift sharing? Someone picks him up and takes him, dad has a sleep then goes and collect him and friend?

The fact that nobody in your immediate family can drive is making a bad situation worse and I agree that time and money spent on someone learning now would be well spent. As your youngest grows up and develops interests too this kind of thing will only get worse so it would be a good investment for the future. But it's not the answer to your problem right now. Given the chaos that driving tuition and tests are in currently learning to drive is not a quick process so you need to figure out some other way of dealing with this situation. If you can get extra help from any source that would be great, but if not it doesn't really sound like it is sustainable and I don't think you should be embarrassed to say that OP. It's a cliché, but true - you can't pour from an empty cup.

Ah sorry I didn’t clock that dh doesn’t drive. In that case this might not be the right time, invest in some driving lessons for dh and ds can come back to this in future.