To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

What's the club? Is it something he can do online (my son did an online coding club for example). I don't drive either so I can empathise

Bus there Taxi back sounds better then your Dh can go to bed when you get in, it does read like you want to stop the club though because of the inconvenience, that isn't a dig just it sounds like a lot of organising.

You need to go back to ss and reqiest a carers assessment and review.
It takes time so start now with reasonable request for a one to one for ds on saturdays to come to house take him to activity and come back.
As he gets older he will need this more and more so start requesting now laying out his needs to go there and benefts for him.
Plus family situation your needs etc
In meantime can you just take all 3 on bus ? Or is that challenging ? If it is tell ss .
Agree that hanging around is par for the course.

You may already do this, but look into low demand parenting. It changed our lives with my two audhd pda children.

Op is he actually enjoying the club or is he masking at the club? Because if the bit he enjoys about it is a 1-2-1 bus ride with mummy, he can do that any time. Also if the club is leaving him too over stimulated which is leading to meltdowns then you need to weigh up the costs and benefits. It might be at this point in time that on top of a week of school, this club might be too much for him.

If he absolutely loves it and there are positives from him attending then i think you might need to find a way to keep going, but your bandwidth matters too. I take my dc to a weekly appointment and i see that hour as my time - I'll take my kindle and a flask of tea and it's forced me-time.

Have you thought to ask if anyone else could pick him up & drop him off. Ask the leader for suggestions, or you & husband take it in turns so not all on one person.

So hard! Sounds like it is brilliant for him but not for you. Sorry if you mentioned it already, but are there any cafes nearby where you could sit and read a book? Anywhere pleasant to go for a walk? Is there a leisure centre - could you go for a swim? What about taking the bus there and a taxi back with him spotting buses en route? Would that make it more workable for you?

If it were the other way round, I’m not sure I’d be okay staying up til 2pm after a night shift when I had another night shift that night. Is your husband okay with this. I’d be more concerned about his welfare and if he is functioning okay on little to no sleep. That is a lot to expect of someone. Just out of interest, have you managed okay up until now with 3 children and not driving?

Take a Uber if only 4 miles?
take all children so partner can sleep and then pick you up.

my youngest child does their reading, spellings, fun puzzle activity books etc whilst older child does activities! Even outdoors with a woolly hat on my youngest will play catch with me, working on hand and eye coordination, or kick a ball. My youngest has great fun just looking at things around them too,

Sorry missed the fact the bus is a treat and his dad does not drive.

driving lessons sounds like a priority.

That isn't my experience.

Its a 15 minute walk from our house to the bus stop then a 20 minute walk from where we get off the bus to the activity location.

Two out of the six times we've been the bus back has gone on diversion and terminated elsewhere. Including today. The club finished at 12.30, it's now 2pm and we're still not home.

It literally takes up half the day.

So it’s either a taxi or it doesn’t happen. But you seem to be keen to stop tbh

I too was going to suggest a taxi

It all sounded ok until you said about dh staying up, that’s not on really.

I go for a run whilst DS is at his archery club.

Doesn’t sound like it’s possible. Does DS have something else so it balances other DD activities. I know that things don’t have to be equal to be fair but it’s a shame if he is enjoying it.

St the mt do you live somewhere with good public transport and activities. Can you do a bus ride somewhere else with your DS to replace that activity for the moment.

Perhaps you could cycle? 4 miles - would it not be like 30 min cycling?

Get a tandem bike??? Or some sort of 2 person electric bike?

Given that it’s only 4 miles away, why not go on the bus (since he loves buses so much) , drop him off, come home in a taxi, let your DH go to bed, go back an hour later in a taxi with the other 2 kids, pick up DS, then all go home on the bus. Is your middle child old enough to be left at home while her Dad is asleep?

This. I used to hate all the waiting around at activities when my kids were young so I used it as an opportunity to catch up on my reading and I sometimes took some knitting with me😊

We're finally home after a horrible journey back. The bus terminated early and we had to find another route back. We got on a second bus and a mentally unwell man sat down infront of us shouting and swearing so I had to move DS downstairs.

DS' trainers were wet so he slipped which sent him into a complete meltdown. He was uncontrollable for the rest of the journey, I've been attacked among other things he did.

I don't think we will be going back next week after this. This has pretty much sealed the deal for me unfortunately.

Currently in the bathroom having a cry whilst DH is trying to calm him down.

Its a dance academy for children with additional needs.

I’m sorry that happened but why not just take a taxi. I sympathise as I have ND kids and they do make parenting extra challenging. Stopping going if he enjoys it now will also make it seem to him that it was because of what happened on the bus home

I feel like you made your mind up before you even started the thread tbh

This. Our kids can't do everything. Is it something he can maybe do one or two sessions of in the holiday? Like horse riding? If so - that might be an option.
(If he doesn't do another out of school activities I might try to make it work, or see if there is similar at another time.)

I've just seen this. You have my complete sympathy, it's so hard isn't it? You're definitely not alone, I've just found not many people are very open about it IRL.

It's a common misconception that as parents you can simply control your child and their behaviour, that's not even the case for NT children let alone ND ones.

I've had an almighty meltdown and scene on the journey back today, see my previous post.

Solidarity from me. My inbox is open any time. 💐

Speak to those who run it
Explain your child loves it but you can't make it work. They might have sessions at another time, or know of a similar provider that runs them elsewhere at a other time.
Go put the kettle on and have some lunch. Warm up.hopwfully the afternoon will improve.