To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

[Acc0untd3tails]

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

Surely if you don’t drive with SEN kids, totally understandable due to epilepsy, it would be preferable to be live in a city with good transport? This can’t be the only time it’s problematic.

However, 1.5 hours is easy to pass with audiobooks or podcasts or YT documentaries or your latest TV show.

I've been going back and forth with myself.

When I posted this morning I was 90% sure I'd stop going at the end of this term, then when he came out after the session today and I saw how happy he was I swayed back to thinking we'll make it work.

Now, after the bus journey back and what happened I'm back to thinking no more.

There's lots of good advice here and things to consider, I'll go through the replies with my DH.

Okay...probably not a job for right now as you're obviously very upset but when you're feeling better, start looking for alternatives that are more accessible. What is it about dance that's good - the physicality, the music, the self expression etc? Are there any other activities that would meet those needs closer to home or at different times that would be more workable?
And if it has to be dance, does it have to be that specific dance school? Maybe there is another facility that can meet your DS's needs without such an arduous journey? Not dance, but we have a number of children with additional needs of different types at the kids' sports club I help run and everyone participates together. It can be challenging sometimes it's true, but we manage and I think that the children all benefit. Obviously everyone is different and that might not be possible but it's at least worth investigating mainstream classes to see if they can accomodate your DS.
It's perfectly ok to acknowledge that something isn't working for your family but just because this particular activity hasn't worked out doesn't mean another one won't. Take a break and look again later.

Ah no, OP, that's all just too much. The journey is just too complicated and your son just can't cope if anything unusual happens which is likely to be the case when a journey is complicated. If the bus stopped outside your door and outside the venue it would be a different story but it sounds like an almighty faff.

Maybe finish the term and look for something else from January that is easier to get to.

One of you needs to be able to drive really so DH should look at restarting lessons.

Given the class you should speak to the organisers. They may have seen this before

and when you’ve just been on the wrong end of a meltdown it’s best just to take a step back and try to have a calm rest of the weekend. It’s emotionally battering

eta it’s also emotionally battering for the child and I remind myself every day that dd hates them as much as I do!!

I would honestly take a taxi or give up it doesn't sound sustainable for you, and put it down to a bad experience.

Id start preparing dc to get a taxi to and from activity. Social stories etc.

She has said she has epilepsy anyone with epilepsy can’t go swimming alone. No matter how good a swimmer they are.

I'm so sorry op. Days like these are so so hard when you're confronted with how different your reality is to everyone else's whose experience is that "clubs are always good for children". Take the time you need. You've had a really hard day and you need to be able to recover and regulate yourself.

Attending this club is a lot of transitions for an autistic child to cope with, that's if everything goes to plan - and there's so much about your journey there and back that you can't control. Plus the added pressure of being at a specific place at a specific time is difficult for you with ADHD.

look, sometimes things don't work out - you've all tried - your son doesn't want to be this upset and over stimulated. Knock it on the head. If you've already paid for more lessons, well that money's gone regardless of whether he attends or not. It's the sunk costs fallacy. Maybe try again when your dh can drive him there and back because the journey will be in your control then, it's predictable.

If it's about the bus journey, wait until a day when he's well regulated and then go out for a trip on the bus, just one circuit and home.

You're a brilliant mum. You tried to give him an enriching experience - it's nobody's fault that it's just not right for you at the moment.

I know this doesn't solve anything immediately, but if at all possible financially your DH needs to learn to drive. I didn't learn till I was 30 and I'm still not a very confident driver, so I sympathise if it feels daunting, but it just seems like a no brainer in a household of five with two SEN children.

Could you do bus there and taxi home?

Could your other child with ASN also take part in classes at the same place?

As another way of looking at it, this could be an opportunity to get a break for yourself. I'm sure you rarely get to have a cuppa in peace. I have finally found a club that both my asn kids can attend together. It's half an hour away and no cafe but I've actually found joy in getting a brrak to read a book with a flask of tea. It's been an adjustment as I haven't been able to read for years. I also have adhd so I understand the frustration of being stuck dojng nothing but it's grown on me and is now a highlight of my week.

She has to get 2 buses and buses are often running behind schedule. I often get the bus to a local beach about 4 1/2 miles from us. But to get there I have to get 1 bus into town and another bus over to the beach. We sometimes meet my son there in the summer for a picnic. But for us to get there for 12pm according to the timetable we have to get the 12.16 bus. But if we get that bus we often get there too late for the second bus. So we have to get the 12.45 bus instead of the 12.30 which is also usually running about 10 minutes behind schedule. So we get there about 12.10 instead of 12.

To get guarantee we get there for 12 we would have to get the first bus at 11.0. But that also means we are there too early which upsets DD. I usually get a taxi as DS can get agitated waiting for us and think we’re not coming. We are also on a bus route bus stop is just accross the road and second bus stops right at our destination. The OP’s circumstances are different.

Stagecoach say buses are every 15 minutes but that often is not the case. 45 minutes we waited for our bus home yesterday. I could have walked home in that time and would if I didn’t have heavy bags. When it eventually came it was a double decker. So at least we weren’t packed in like sardines. Our route usually has the smaller buses. But because of roadworks that bus had to go a different route.

Is he on any benefits? Would this cover an Uber there and back? Or if he's entitled to support hours maybe the carer can take him there and back?

I don't think it's worth all the hassle it's causing you all OP. It's particularly not fair on your husband really, he needs his sleep after a night shift. Night shifts are unhealthy anyway without the additional lack of sleep. Is there anything you could do every week with your DS to make up for it? They do online dance classes here for children, I don't know how they work but could they potentially be worth looking into? https://fabric.dance/children-online-classes/ Or you could find some fun dance or exercise videos on YouTube and do the routines together at home if you wanted? Or see if you can get him into another hobby that's more easily done at home?

Right if money isn’t an issue you get a taxi there and back

another day after school or Sundays or even sat afternoon after club if you have other 2 with you , you take a bus journey - not every Saturday with other kids

but is he enjoying the bus or the group ?

When I have to sit around for a club I usually do my online shopping or bring a laptop and catch up on work or anything life-admin. Or bring a book abd take an hour to relax (assuming you are not assisting him in the club)

Today sounds a bad day esp as rain /slipping over

if he likes buses then go on a bus a simple easy journey not to club

you say it’s 20mins walk to bus stop and other end so that’s tiring

is that as need a special bus stop to go for journey or the nearest one

how rural are you ?

I have bus stops literally at end of my road

Have you looked into any local "short breaks" schemes? In my area, children need to have an EHCP to qualify, and you need to find your own "buddy", but basically you get a set amount of funding per year to pay for someone (the buddy) to take your child out. If you have an adult you trust, you could pay them an hourly rate to take him to the club for you? Could ask if school have any SEN trained staff who take on extra hours outside of school like this?
Tbh the current setup sounds unsustainable for you- this is coming from someone with ADHD, 3 children (2 are ADHD, 1 is autistic), and I worked nights for years, so fully understand every contributing factor!

Well, the main question is how important is this activity to your DS? Does he truly love it? Then I'd do everything to make it work, as first signing him up and then telling him six weeks later now he can't go anymore, that's problematic for me. My older son had a 2 hour drama class and a 1.5 hour dance class when his younger brother was born. I sat in both waiting areas from two weeks after birth with the baby, as dad was working away. After divorce toddler brother simply continued to come and wait, no family close. This was 15 years ago, my older son now has a scholarship at a top performing arts school. Had I taken his clubs away from him, he would have been heartbroken.

We have 6 kids, 5 have autism/learning disability. I think unless yoh have kids like ours ppl will expect you to get on with it .
I wouldn’t . I’d get onto social work to look for a personal budget for an assistant . It’s not just the activity, it’s being emotionally available to all the others when you get home . It’s shite . Big hugs xx

He's 8 years, not months!

or are you suggesting as he has some SN, he wouldn't remember?

Can you find a ‘normal’ dance class? I say this as a parent to an AuDHD 8 year old DS myself (who is also obsessed with buses, also trains). He does a ‘normal’ dance class in our village hall, in fairness his teacher does have a son with ADHD so is amazing with him.

Have you looked to see if there's community transport in your area? A charity which has volunteer drivers. You only pay the mileage and admin fee (for my area that's 55p/mile + £3) and they collect you from your property & return you (perhaps waiting if it's easier than going home). Much cheaper than a taxi and anyone can request to use the community car scheme (but bear in mind that medical appointments are a priority and you might not get a driver each week).

If money isn't an issue, how about paying someone with Sen experience to take him?

before I had my own health issues I would have done something like this.

Just book him an uber to take him there and back. Yabu to not put forth effort.