Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

What exactly is it you want advice on? Your post is quite long and rambling.
Is it sleep overs - and no i wouldn't let my 1 year old have sleep overs with these grandparents and 3 year old cousin in this situation. Doesn't mean your son won't have a close relationship with his grandparents- plenty of time for sleepovers when he is older.

I appreciate your reply, thank you. I know what you’re saying about how I’d feel if it were my child. I guess, I just know that I would never allow my child to behave like that around other kids. If I had to supervise them constantly and hover over them to ensure there were no problems, then that’s what I’d do. It would be my responsibility.

Possibly not that safe to leave a one year old there.

Then why are you here? I’ve received a lot of great advice and insight and I’ decided how to grow from this and how to move forward based on the helpful replies I’ve received. Bye👋

Thank you for this. I appreciate your reply and will take it on board 🙏🏻

Your DS is too young for a sleep over when his cousin is staying there unsupervised, l would not allow it.

My advice would be that you shouldn’t even consider a one year old child having a sleepover.

And that three year olds do find sharing incredibly difficult. Especially if the toys are their toys.

It’s up to your in laws who they ‘allow’ to see their home as a second home and it’s up to the child’s parents what they feed their child so I wouldn’t get involved in that.

If a cousin was playing roughly with my one year old I’d say ‘be gentle Nancy, Jim is very little still’ or something like that. I don’t think I’d look at it as constantly hovering over them or always intervening because do have to watch one year olds regardless of whether their cousins are bullies, a handful, rough, unable to calm down, appeased with sweets, constantly demanding attention, boisterous, mean, displaying not normal three year old behaviour, unkind or not.

It’s up to you, but I think that’s too young to be left with grandparents far away from home. Can they stay at your house while you go on an outing and leave them to spend time with him?

Thanks for your advice. I understand the importance of explaining things nicely to a child about how to play, but it just hasn’t worked in this situation. That’s exactly how I tried to handle it at first, but it didn’t help. They’re constantly going a million miles an hour, there’s been poking, shaking, getting right in their face, snatching, pushing, you name it. Still, I appreciate everyone’s input and the more I process it the more I realise that he shouldn’t go as I can’t guarantee there will be someone to look out for him when I’m not there.

And what does that matter? It still makes the child very unpleasant to be around. People say blame the parents as if that makes a difference?!

Constructive....say no to sleepovers, when with the toddler model behaviour and deflect attention, play with them and step in if behaviour is threatening your child. Don't label them for things that are typical developmental behaviours. Ask the grandparents over.

This is very sound advice. It builds the bond you want.

This child may also be hyperactive due to all the sugar and junk he is given to shut him up. An easy fix.

He is not getting positive, adult attention, focus and care from the so called adults around him . And his behaviour may be based around constant attention seeking.

@SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess agree. Some kids are like dogs,they need to be exercised outside daily😂 mine were like that. One day of really bad weather and they were getting cabin fever.

Regardless of the energy of the kids they all need parenting and it sometimes require adult interaction.
Too much screens-overstimulation,too much sugar- child getting hyper, add cabin fever and we have the child OP has described.

Yeah, right.