Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

Im not sure that would work, but appreciate your input.

Her being at my home, learning how to play around him in his own space, would create a completely different dynamic compared to her taking over at the grandparents’ house and terrorising other children under her parents’ or grandparent’s watch, since they allow it. Why would she follow the rules of someone who isn’t her parent?

@browser2025 have you been bullied because you have a take on bullying that comes I think from personal and unpleasant experiences that I think means you are massively projecting.

The 3 year old spends a lot of time at her grandparents so she has a sense that is her territory and she is reacting - perfectly normal and needs managing but it’s not bullying.

you are about to introduce your son to a sibling managing his normal feelings towards that will be vital and I think needs to be done without words such as terrorising and bullying

No, I appreciate that. But it would be naive of me to sugar-coat the situation. I feel that the adults in her life are taking the same approach as many people in this thread, assuming she’s not capable of being mean and that kids should just be allowed to “be kids.”

I have other nieces and nephews who never behaved this way at that age, and I would have no problem leaving them unsupervised. But what some might dismiss as “kids being kids” can actually cause harm to other children.

I shouldn’t have referred to her as a bully, but is she a mean child who isn’t being properly guided? Absolutely. Should my son be left with her without supervision? No.

3 year olds can’t bully. Almost all toddlers are self centered and have to be taught to be caring. There are of course exceptions.
Dont let your child stay there alone.
All toddlers need to be supervised with children smaller than themselves and sometimes older ones too.
Its ok to step in and model good behavior and try to set up games where they both have things to do.

Thanks, and you make some good points. But honestly, I don’t want to be putting in extra effort to try to model her behaviour, that’s her parents’ responsibility. I just want my son to have a good relationship with his grandparents, and it’s frustrating that this is even a barrier.

I don't think you can say that the 3 year old cant be present, but if you think your baby won't be safe you shouldn't be sending him to be there without you. Also if they look after him alot they are part of him not having discipline, they may not be looking after your child how you'd like them to, screens, fizzy drinks etc

all 3 year olds do to some extent act territorial and have moments you just haven’t seen them - there are bits of parenting you keep to yourself

she is going through a development stage one which is necessary and one which she needs guidance - the judgment should be for her parents and your in-laws and not the child

there is a difference between understanding how she is behaving is normal but recognising it should also be handled and it is the latter that isn’t being done

and some are far harder than others and some have their issues at different stages! But negative emotions are normal and something I suspect you need to get used to

but for this thread no don’t send him

Ok, thanks. I know i have challenges ahead with my own children, and I will reflect on this. I just can’t imagine being able to watch my child behave like that towards other children and be OK with it or laugh it off.

Yes but that isn’t about the child being bully is it it is the PARENTS failing to act

being appalled at laughing and condoning such behaviour is the problem, not dealing with the behaviour is the problem and yes not dealing with it could actually cause longer term issues

seeing the behaviour as something out of the ordinary though is also a problem because it is normal and the child can’t be judged

and no you shouldn’t just watch you should handle to appropriately and gently whilst understanding it doesn’t make your son a bully

You sound like you're being overly precious about a 3 year olds behaviour however I really don't think a 1 year old needs to be spending a weekend away from home in order to have a strong bond with grandparents. Maybe encourage GP's to take your DS out for the day a few times and the sleepovers can start when he's a bit older and at least that way can tell you if he likes it or not.

It's really odd to keep referring to a 3yo as a bully and mean - OP I think you're projecting a lot and I hope you don't call your own DC these names when they display the same behaviour, as all very small children do as they develop and learn social rules.

ALL 3yos need watching with a very small baby - it sounds like that won't happen at your in laws, so don't send your son there! The 3yo is in no way to blame here

Ok, I’ve just asked AI, and here’s the answer:

”A 3-year-old child can exhibit bullying or mean tendencies, such as excluding peers, using mean words, hitting, or targeting weaker children, as these behaviours align with emerging social awareness around this age. Behaviours become concerning if targeted at one child repeatedly, intense, or paired with signs like lack of eye contact, no pretend play, or obsessive focus. Relational aggression, like deliberate exclusion (“you can’t play”), can also signal early bullying learned from home, media, or peers.”

Why do you feel the need to put this on the 3 year old OP and trust AI

Because most people are more concerned that I called out a child’s unkind behaviour toward my own, rather than focusing on the situation.

I’ve already acknowledged that using the word “bullying” was the wrong choice, but my point is that children at that age can still display bullying behaviours. 👍

OP is it possible that you are considered to be a supervising adult? In my family (and my friend group actually) it is a group effort and we all parent the kids we can see. Not with the big things, but with the micro-decisions like 'is that activity safe, do I need to intervene?'

If you were visiting me and had eyes on that particular interaction then you are both permitted and expected to deal with it. He's your nephew after all.

Actually no, not all 3 year old are like this. My son certainly wasn’t! But then he was properly monitored, taught to be gentle, and had family who reinforced boundaries, none of which this child seems to have!

Having said that, he’s probably not doing it intentionally as a bully would. He doesn’t have the sophistication for that….yet! But it won’t be long if he’s allowed to continue being like this.

Not sure how old your son is but he sounds a fair bit younger. The grandparents won’t properly monitor either child by the sounds of it so no, he wouldn’t be going if he were mine.

But that doesn’t negate from the fact that it is the parenting and the situation that is the issue and not the child

…and as I wrote in my original post

“I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things”

That’s an interesting perspective, I hadn’t thought of it that way. We hardly ever see them, so I don’t think I’d feel comfortable correcting someone else’s child’s behaviour unless it was someone I know well and see often. Still, a really good point.

A child that age can only display them for more than a few moments at a time if the adults around them allow it to continue.

The 3 year old is not a bully. You using that type if language makes me think you could be overreacting to typical 3 year old behaviour, it won't be good for your DC to be raised to be the type of child that sees every misdemeanor as bullying. Let him go to grandparents alone, it will probably be good for his social development.

I mean, tbh, I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that some kids have less socially-acceptable impulses than others.

My son isn't a sitter. He's a runner/climber/explorer, and I've had to work hard to understand when and where that's allowed.

My friend's child is a hitter/fighter. At 18m he tried to wallop my newborn with a stick. At 2y he tried to crush him with a door, then squashed his baby sister deliberately. A month later, my son was crawling in his direction and he tried to wallop him with a spade.

I've never seen this child not trying to hit or otherwise harm another child. He doesn't do it with adults. It doesn't seem malicious, more "how will everyone react if I attack this baby?".

Basically "hitting" is their problem where "sitting" is mine.

But I think you have to intervene when it comes to your own child's particular issue.

I don’t really understand the obsession with children being forced to share.

No. Dont send him.
Its not necessary at 1 to gave a sleepover with grandparents.
You wouldn't relax, so there wouldn't be any point.

3?