Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

Had to read quite far into the thread to find out the age of your child which I think is essential. I would say he’s too young in this circumstance. In a years time when he’s fully confident on his feet and can communicate and his cousin is 4 it will be much more appropriate.
in the meantime I would try to spend more time with the gps and cousin with you there in preparation of a solo visit age 2

The child is 3 and your child may well behave the same at 3 as a lot of 3 year olds are boisterous.

However the issue is the child's behaviour isn't being corrected so on that basis alone I wouldn't allow it. Grandparents who dont correct very rough behaviour, allow ipads when they should be dealing with poor behaviour and hand out lots of junk food are a no to me.

Wait until your own child is 3

TBF far too many people are hung up on you calling this child a bully and whether that's fair. It probably isn't, but also has no relevance to this thread. Obvious you are not an AH to not leave your son in the presence of an older child who might torment and hurt him with adults who won't prevent it happening.

They don’t have the capacity at three to be bullies.

A lot of people are stepping up to defend the 3 year old, but I have a cousin a similar age to me, and she is a bully and she has always been a bully.

I remember going to our grandparents as a child and she would be a really antagonising child and I would often come home so worked up in tears and sob myself to sleep. Yes, even at 3.

She would launch heavy hard back books at my head, she would steal, she even tied me to the washing line post once with the dogs chain, she would push me down stairs, if I said I needed the bathroom she would rush up stairs and say she needed the bathroom first and then faff around until I wet myself and she knew what she was doing. I have a photo of us, aged 3, 3 and 5 with her, me, and my older cousin, sat on the stairs and she had just yanked my hair so the photo caught them both sniggering and me bawling my eyes out. She tried to drown me in the bath.

My grandparents way of dealing with it is sticking us all on the sofa, telling us all to shut up, and my grandad asking her what she would like to watch on TV.

So I do think 3 year olds can be little bullies. And if you were my mum I wouldn't want you to leave me there either.

Why would you judge a 3 year old like this??? I have a 3 yr old ds and that's normal behaviour!!!

Well everyone can waffle on about whether or not a 3 year old can be a bully or that you’re being precious, but I wouldn’t allow my 1 year old around the irn bru guzzling, iPad watching, baby shoving little nyaff either OP. Not without my being there. No chance.

Kids grow up and change but at the moment he’s hitting and shoving a one year old with no consequences from the adults, so it’s a no from me.

You have no idea how you’ll behave in two years time 🫣 maybe you’ll be absolutely desperate for a break with a younger baby and more than happy to leave him with family.

There is a big gap between 3 and 1.

At this stage, the older one may need a lot of intervention from adults to teach them to behave appropriately. If thats not happening you may want to delay the weekend away.

You're getting a hard time on this thread because people dont like the way you've phrased your OP. Of course your is quite clear, that's just mumsnet for you.

I think some posters have been quite harsh calling you precious. I like to think I'm quite relaxed. I had a weekend away leaving DH and MIL with a 2yo and 9mo to look after, and I wave MIL off for days out with the kids with a cheery "have fun I trust you and grandparents are there to do the fun bits" but I wouldn't let a 1yo go to grandparents for a whole weekend, even without the boisterous 3yo in the mix.
I agree 3yos aren't bullies, but 3 is all about pushing boundaries and working out acceptable behaviour. If my 3yo is round a baby / small toddler I have to watch him like a hawk, constantly remind him to be kind and am prepared to have to remove him if necessary.
Can you sell it that your house is all set up babyproofed, familiar etc and invite them there for you and DH to have a wekeend off (day out, night out, lie in) while they look after the baby?
Its great that you want to foster such a good relationship, but your fond memories will be from when you were older, the groundwork for extended time with grandparents can be put in now but it doesnt need to be whole weekends with them at 1yo.

A 3 year old might be approaching 4. Yes they can be little bullies. Anyone saying otherwise hasn’t spent enough time around enough children to see that.

Regardless, he’s shoving a one year old around with no consequences so I wouldn’t put my child in that position either.

I definitely think some 3 year olds kind of "try out" being mean and pushing around younger/smaller kids. It doesn't mean they're going to grow up horrid of course, it's kind of a normal part of development for some kids. But they definitely need watching like a hawk around smaller kids and the behaviour needs correcting so they learn what is acceptable.

I definitely wouldn't leave a 1 year old in the same place as a "pushy" 3 year old unless the adults are going to be supervising really closely. It could lead to a nasty injury. In fact I wouldn't leave a mobile toddler with anyone unless they're capable of supervising really closely, even without the 3 year old. You need eyes in the back of your head at that stage and grandparents can sometimes forget this!

There's plenty of time for him to stay with his grandparents when he's a bit bigger.

Your child is 1 and it sounds like you can't trust the adults who would be in charge to take care of him properly. I don't think you should be in a dilemma about this, the answer for me would be a definite no. When both kids are older you can revisit it, the 3 year old may well be better behaved and your child will be better able to deal with their behaviour/stand up for themselves. The will also be able to tell you if they enjoyed at their grandparents.

I think you are right not to leave your child with them at the moment. Have the PILs to stay with you for a weekend instead.

Agree, too much focus on this and not enough on helping the OP. I expect a number of posters jumping on this are sensitive about their own child/parenting.

Some children are very dominant and need a fair bit of guidance. The solution isn’t to say it’s normal and ignore it. Yes, it can be normal, but it needs guiding and correcting.

Other children end up affected because it’s allowed to continue.
For example, on one occasion, the child kept snatching toys and pushed my son in his walker.
He almost slid off the edge of a step, but I managed to catch him just in time. So perhaps “bully” wasn’t the best word, it’s more about the fact that the adults don’t step in when they should.
Maybe I should have used the word mean, instead. Can a 3 year old be mean?

You don’t seem to have much of a grip on child development. Their cognitive abilities don’t really allow them to be bullies or mean at that point, although like everything in life there is a bell curve.

If you really think your child is going to be a wonderfully caring, sharing child as a 3yo, you are probably in for a bit of a shock.

3yo’s believe they are the centre of the universe. It only exists to revolve around them. That’s a normal thought process. It’s all about what they want. So, if they want a toy it doesn’t matter if the toy is laying there with no one or someone else is playing with it, it’s natural to them to just take the toy, because they want it, and that’s the only factor at play. All normal. That’s why you don’t leave 3yo’s unsupervised and more than arm’s length with other kids🤣. Of course, you don’t let them just take something someone is playing with, you stop them or if too late, you give it back and put up with the ensuing tantrum.

Babies, toddlers, young kids also like figuring out the cause and effect thing. Like a baby keeps throwing its bottle as it learns you keep picking it up and giving it back, so it turns into a game as they learn. Or a toddler keeps throwing food in the floor to learn, you throw, it falls, on the floor. Stuff we think is obvious, they do on repeat to learn while their brain wiring gets together. So stuff like pushing other kids, pushing things off things etc. They are not being deliberate arseholes, it’s an interesting ‘if I do this, what happens’ thing. Those that don’t are not ‘good children’, they just have more passive minds.

So, it’s up to adults to constantly supervise and be ready to quickly intervene with kids that age until they are a bit older and the pivot from parallel play to interactive play is more successful, and to save the base being pushed off the coffee table or the dogs tail being pulled, or another child being pushed, with cause and effect investigation of the world.

So, not a bully, not a mean 3yo, but one with shit ineffective adults supervising them. Put the blame squarely where it belongs, instead of on a 3yo being a 3yo.

And actually, as for your thread title, it's not the 3 year old preventing your child bonding with his grandparents. It's the grandparents themselves failing to protect their youngest grandchild.
My kids were the softer cousins who got pushed around by my brother's kids, my parents never stood for it. They treated all grandkids equally.

No way would I be comfortable leaving a one-year old with your PILs without me being there as they aren't giving the three year old any boundaries and appeasing the child with sweets and fizzy drinks will probably make him more wound up and hyperactive and is actually rewarding his rough behaviour.

Indeed.
I have 3 and 1 year old... please update in 3 years ... 😅

Separarely meet the GPs for days out mid way and invite them to yours.

You can get three year old bullies but almost all three year d need constant reminders to share be gentle etc etc . If no one is teaching this three year old these things and they don’t go to nursery, school will be a shock.
The sugar and fizzy drinks won’t help the three year old and I wouldn’t want a small child of mine having sweets and fizzy drinks.

3 years old may be too young to be a bully, but he sounds like he's a little so-and-so and being allowed to get away with it. Not all 3 year olds are violent and act up all the time. I wouldn't want my 1 year old near this child either.

The problem is the adults supervising the 3 year old (or not!), not the child. A 3 year old doesn't have the ability to bully, they are too young to have the capacity for it. However, 3 year olds will very quickly recognise if they portrayal particular behaviours, it means they achieve what they want! So they will do whatever it takes to get what they want! That's not bullying, it's learned behaviour. The 3 year old, I assume is an only child? Therefore not used to sharing, it's something that needs to be taught. I speak as an only child myself and my son being an only child. An adult has to teach and show a child how to share. It sounds as if the adults aren't putting in boundaries in place, disciplining where necessary and offering no consequences to behaviours. That's not your nephew's fault. If your in-laws are not capable of doing the above with their grandson, then no, I wouldn't be allowing my child to stay with them. Fizzy drinks, sweets and screen time for a 3 year old, is not doing them any favours. Instead, perhaps your in-laws could take your son out for the day, without your nephew or similar? Your child doesn't know their grandparents as well as your nephew, and therefore time with then needs to be built up gradually, to a weekend.

"TBF far too many people are hung up on you calling this child a bully and whether that's fair. It probably isn't, but also has no relevance"

If someone uses that sort of description about a 3 year old, this is the response they are going to get.

I don't mean to be insensitive in case your DS's other parent (child of PILs and sibling of BIL or SIL) is not available/present. But otherwise, it makes sense to have him/her take the lead here because of: (1) being a better judge/interpreter of the extended family dynamic because of having grown up with it and seen it from the inside (e.g., whether or not there's a major issue - maybe the ILs would behave differently if they were directly responsible for DS, without his parent(s) there?) (2) having the best idea of what might constructively be done, based on insider/long-term knowledge of the individuals involved and (3) if all else fails, being able to deliver the message to ILs without as much risk of hurt feelings or being blamed. You're taking on way too much worry over this when you're likely not the best person to be dealing with it.