Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

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I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

Sure, but it’s very interesting when posters only address this and completely omit to also offer any practical suggestions to help the OP in her dilemma.

I won't go into the wrongs and rights of this situation. Bottom line, if you don't feel happy leaving your child with their GPs for a weekend, don't. You can't control what others do, but you can control what happens to your own child. A one year old doesn't need to be left overnight or even during the day to build a relationship with his wider family.

Agree with others - a 3yo is not a bully, but they DO need supervision and guidance around a younger child. I am inferring that DS1 is not ‘DS no 1’ but DS who is 1yo? In which case, you really do not need to be doing sleepovers to develop a bond with GPs yet.

Mine used to go for weekend visits and a week every summer from about 4&7. GPs visited us a few times a year for a few days from birth to present (they are 17 and 20 now), and we did lots of days out. My DCs adore their GPs. Bonding over Gdad cocking up in cluedo, DNan fussing over whether to peel 3 or 4 sprouts per person at Christmas and getting tipsy on Champagne with their dad in the process, the garden shed that GDad spent one summer converting into a 2 story play house etc. Loads and loads of ways of building and supporting that relationship without needing to expose your very young DS to a 3yo who is still learning the rules and how to self regulate.

Don’t over think it and try not to judge your 3yo DN. You’re not ready yet and that is totally fine.

I don't necessarily think you'll be eating your words, it depends on how extreme your DN behaviour is. My 3yo is a ball of energy at times but no one would ever say he plays 'very roughly' and if they did I would consider this to be a problem. I recognise children who behave the way your DN does and I don't enjoy spending time around them (FWIW my DS doesn't either).

I think it would be tricky to stipulate that your 1yo can only stay over at GPs if DN isn't there. You know your family dynamic better than me, but if I made this suggestion (unless the behaviour was extreme) I can't imagine it going down well.

No - they can be badly behaved and if they behaviour goes unchecked then they can become bullies as they get older.

3yo’s just don’t have the awareness or thought process to deliberately target someone and bully them in the way older children do.

Could you word it differently. Could you chat with the Grandparents letting them know how much you’d welcome them spending time with you DS but maybe at a time when your nephew is less physically boisterous or your DS is old enough to manage nephew’s physicality for himself?

The advice is not to leave a 1yo with their grandparents all weekend if you can’t trust them.

Being less critical of the 3yo is a good move.

A 3 yo is the product of their environment so he's behaving as he's been allowed to behave.

Also remember that the 3yo will be used to all the attention and all the toys to themselves so sharing with a cousin is a big change.

The issue though is the supervision and the behaviour of the adults. 3yo's don't choose to have fizzy drinks - that's the choice of the adults. As is the not correcting rough behaviour.

The issue isn't the 'bully child', it's that the adults in this scenario are useless and can't be trusted to manage the two kids together in a way that is safe for them.

If I had a 1yo around a boisterous 3yo, I'd be constantly hovering ready to intervene to protect the smaller one (and the larger one, mobile babies can do a great job of hitting and pulling hair!).

The adults sound lazy.

In any case, absolutely no need for grandparents to have a 1yo on their own for a weekend. When you mentioned this, I thought you'd be talking about a 4yo or older.

Is your child only 1? Still a baby? Very young to stay alone with people he doesn’t know well apart from anything else.

It is absolutely possible for an inappropriately supervised and boisterous three year old to injure a one year old quite badly. It’s also likely that a three year old who isn’t used to it will resent attention paid by ‘his’ grandparents to another child.

I’d just say no. Too young.

Sorry, I probably wasn’t very clear, I’m not great with the MN abbreviations. My son is one, and the cousin I mentioned is a girl. That’s another dilemma I’ll probably face when he’s older (maybe one for a separate thread). People often say it’s okay to teach a boy to hit back, but what about girls? How do you teach your child to stand up to a mean girl, especially if they get hit? Another discussion for another time, I know.

I would never teach my son (or daughter) to hit back, no matter what age or gender.

A three year old can't be mean either. It sounds to me that you have very little experience of DC other than your own and you are very protective. A long sleepover is probably not ideal since you will worry. Let DS1 spend a day, perhaps? Pretty sure DGP's won't let your DS1 be pushed down steps - they will know that's not on. But if you are there then you are expected to look out for your DC. You know, in 10 years' time quite likely DS1 and cousin will be good friends.

This is also true. They could be starting school in 9 months time and definitely won't get away with pushing and shoving then! But probably won't try it with children the same size.
At 4 children definitely can be malicious - in Reception my daughter had another girl chop her hair off and tell her that her mum was going to kill me in my sleep!

But they still would like a closer bond and more time.

Which they can have whilst visiting you.

They don't need visits or overnights without you there for that to happen.

I have absolutely known three year old bullies - my son who was a very easy going child once came home from creche when he was three years old with a double set of bitemarks on his cheekbone. Apparently he was reading a book, another child came over and demanded the book and my son said he was looking at it and he could have it later. The child in question pushed him over, bit him on the face and tried to make off with the book. The staff told me it was totally unprovoked. Eventually the child in question who acted like a nasty little thug to the other children was asked to leave. The staff were fed up with constantly following him to stop him attacking other children and they had a long waiting list of presumably non-thug like toddlers. Years later I enrolled my son who was small and slight for Krav Maga - anybody else who had a go at him were going to discover he was no push over - and strangely enough several decades later nobody ever has again.

The 3 year old child is not stopping your DS from bonding with his grandparents. While there is some behaviour from the adults I would not condone, I think you need to accept that the cousin is likely to be closer to the grandparents than your DS.

I think the best way to approach it, is to give the 3 year old attention (not as a reward for poor behaviour but to prevent it) and not see it as a competition. Perhaps involve him in looking after the younger one, so they can develop a caring relationship. TBF the relationship with the cousin will likely last a lot longer than that with the grandparents and you want them to grow up as friends, not rivals.

I think there could be multiple things at play. There is every chance the 3 year old is rougher than normal but your sense of perspective is also a bit screwed by just having a 1 year old and comparing them to a bigger pre-schooler. In time there is every chance the gap will close and actually the cousins could be good friends at 5 and 7. If you’re not comfortable with a whole weekend away don’t do that- it wouldn’t have been my first choice at 1 either.

Although a 3 year old may not be 'a bully' , they absolutely can exhibit bullying behaviour. I remembered being 4 years old and dreading visiting my Mum's friend as her 3 year old son was awful to me. They'd send me upstairs 'to play with him' and all he'd do was throw things at me (heavy things, too!) and take off his pooed nappy and try to make me sniff it. I was a shy child and didn't know what to do-I attended nursery and school but hadn't ever known any child behave that way before and didn't know how to handle it. As an adult I can see that he may have felt threatened having a similarly-aged child in his bedroom all of a sudden and didn't want me there so lashed out, but it was still frightening and unpleasant.

!! It’s completely normal to be ‘very’ protective of a one year old. And it does sound like there’s something to be protective from.

It won’t impede bonding to avoid a sleepover that will mean nothing to a baby - can bond when they’re older and baby has at least learned to talk and run away if necessary. There’s quite a difference between the ordinary rough and tumble with older siblings who have been used to baby since day 1 and infrequent interactions with an older cousin who isn’t used to being gentle and has no feeling of care or ownership of the baby.

Oh and frankly, I'd give the grandparents a miss. They sound lax and quite hopeless. You don't have to associate with bullies just because they're in the family. There is no way that I would expose my 1 year to that thuggish 3 year old. I admit it's probably not entirely the three year old's fault that neither his parents or grandparents have attempted to modify his behaviour. He will probably get a seeing to at school - the school bully at my other child's school got a seeing to in the shrubbery. He never reported it because he wasn't prepared to admit that it was a girl who had beat the living daylights out of him I think the whole school was quite cheered up about the whole thing.

I agree, though I’d add that it would make sense to find a way to explain why to your ILs, in a way that makes sure they don’t feel you’re rejecting them or their relationship with your DS.

You could explain that you feel he’s a little young but that you’d love him to develop the same relationship that they have with their DGD. It might also be possible to say that he is a little young to spend time away on his own and also to hint that the DGD would be a little much for him at the moment.

As other PPS have suggested, a discussion with them about how to bring your DS more into their life would be rewarding for both him and them.

The child is being rough and not being supervised or parented to not behave that way. I would avoid sleepovers until both children are a bit older.

Interesting. Maybe I need to look into it a bit more. But from my experience, bullies only understand being confronted in the same way they attack. If they’re physical, you have to stand your ground physically. If they’re verbal, respond verbally. When girls tried to bully me at school, I learned that pushing back was the only thing that made it stop. The kids who didn’t push back were picked on endlessly, and the teachers never stepped in.

No, you won’t necessarily ‘eat your words’. I don’t think the behaviour you’re describing is ‘normal 3yo behaviour’ or ‘boisterous’, as others have said. It’s just poor behaviour. 3yos have an understanding of what they are and aren’t supposed to do - if they’re properly taught. You don’t have to just sit back and take it.

My niece goes to nursery with a 3yo who tells her every day ‘I don’t like you, you’re ugly, I don’t want to play with you.’ 3yos can be mean, yes.