Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

Your title is harsh and misleading. The child isn't a bully and he isn't preventing your son from bonding with his grandparents.

The 3year old is probably hyped up with fizzy drinks and sweets .I would be more concerned about that.

3 year old aside, I would not personally leave a 1 year old with adults they don't know well for an entire weekend - even if they are grandparents. They need to get to know them first, to feel comfortable and secure with them. Add to that your misgivings about their ability to supervise and keep your child safe without you intervening - it would be a hard pass from me. I'd try to increase your visits together, and they can stay over when they feel more bonded already.

Why would you want to send your small child to a frenzy of fizzy drinks, sweets and screens? And to be occasionally bashed by another sugar fuelled toddler? There is no actual parenting taking place of any description, and this would be the last place I would send my child for any other reason than an unavoidable medical emergency (and I couldn’t find anyone else!)

Bonding is an organic process of many years. You can’t force it.

It sounds like the PILs aren’t able to manage looking after young children so no I wouldn’t send a child there for a whole weekend.

The thing is OP that it only takes a second for an accident or injury to happen and that environment doesn’t sound safe for a one year old to me. The GPs and in-laws sound very hands off and anything for an easy life but that win’t keep your child safe from a rough poorly raised older child (not child’s fault obviously).

I think inviting them to your and going out for a half day leaving them in sole charge and building up to night away is a better way to build bond. Or visit when you know other child elsewhere (nursery?) for a less complicated time together. No I don’t think it’s weird to use your own bedroom for guests (that’s what my DD does when we visit to babysit).

The most important thing is always keeping your child safe so that helps clarify your decision making but I know it’s complicated with family.

Op whatever happens I always say people judge how people parent at gps etc, the thing is when you’re at family homes things are different, it’s a bit more relaxed, you’ve other family members to give you some respite plus it’s a treat so yes they get sweets etc (not a fan of fizzy drinks for that age but …) so I don’t love people judging when parents could be exhausted and chilling at family’s homes

That's why walkers cause so many accidents I hope you got rid of it they shouldn't be used on smooth floors or with steps.

The 3 year old wasn't at fault it's what they do.

When we go away, my parents or PIL stay to look after the dog and sometimes the kids too. The only room that doesn't have a single bed is our room, so they stay in there. I'd prefer to have a spare room for them but we don't. This arrangement means we get a free dog/babysitter so it's worth the slight weirdness. I think it would be worth it in your situation too.

You can say no all you like. Having worked with young children for many years and knowing lots of 3-4 year olds, the word “bully” fits some just fine.

You didn’t read the previous part of this discussion. I said it may be an issue when older, knowing how to teach a child how to deal with bullies. Nothing mentioned about teaching a child to hit a 3 year old back.

@shakercream I honestly have had this exact situation. Slightly older cousin but basically there all the time my 1 year old was there. Was so rough with her and not GPs fault but the parents never set any boundaries/consequence

How did that occur though? Did you just leave them there or were you there and just sat there and did not intervene? I find that mystifying either way. All my kids are adults but I still intervene if somewhere with kids that age and other adults are not doing the job of supervising/intervening/redirecting etc. You don’t need to yell at toddlers or hit them, just intervene, try and redirect and if you can’t then control appropriately. The worst that happens is a tantrum and I couldn’t give a shit. If a parent wants to complain, I’ll give a double serve back re their shit supervision and parenting skills. If you want to keep relations ‘nice’ for whatever reason, just badge it up as ‘giving you a well deserved chance to kick back and relax, and I’m watching them so you can have a break’ as that then allows them to save face.

Ok, thank you. I appreciate your input.

Who on earth gives a toddler sweets packed full of refined sugar amd additives and then stands back and wonders why they are behaving like they are out of control?

Who on earth gives a child of this age sweets in the first place? And fizzy drinks that will rot their brand new teeth?

The issue is not the child.
The child is only responding to its environment and stimulation through sugar based products that are not designed for such a young toddler.

Personally I wouldn’t send my 1 year old to stay with relatives he hasn’t spent much time with for a whole weekend, a day trip, with them taking him somewhere would be much nicer.
I think by now you probably regret using the word bully, as 3 years don’t tend to bullies or mean for the sake of it. What they do however is lack boundaries, impulse control and need switched on adults to help them socially interact with other children, especially ones smaller then them who aren’t as physically able.
Its their parenting choice to give them fizzy, sweets and an iPad and you are being judgmental bringing that up, however you are right to be concerned that a 3 year old is not being adequately supervised whilst dealing with a younger child and is allowed to snatch things of him and potentially accidentally hurt him by knocking him over etc
I wouldn’t mention at the moment the three year old, I would say due to the age of your child and lack of time spent there alone, you’re a little anxious about him staying there for a weekend and would they you to book a Christmas lights experience or similar that they can take him to.
Worst case they think you’re an over anxious parent and may mutter that they want to spend longer with him alone but ultimately he’s your child. Telling them that their 3 year old Grandchild on their maternal side (I read it that it was their daughters child) is a fizzy drink swilling bully will not win you any favours!

Honestly both
So some of this stuff happened in front of me, I did intervene immediately and there was a big fall out as a result on one occasion. One time I just stood up took my DC and said that's it I'm leaving. It's absolutely exhausting parenting your own kid let alone trying to keep them safe when it feels like no one else is.
Other times I did leave them there but only with my DH there too (I made him stay) and he reported it back to me. I was made to feel I was overprotective and unreasonable but looking back I wasn't at all. It's hard with your first born, so many people saying about pfb and the other cousin was almost "there first" and "it's fine"
I would leave them there now no problem as like I said the cousin isn't interested at all now and the GPSs are lovely but the damage is done unfortunately

When I had a 1 year old and met 3 year olds I found them over the top as well.

No a 3 year old can't be mean or a bully

They can be hard work, difficult to be around, poorly parented however but I think you need to consider really really hard if you are being over protective

Maybe but maybe not. Not every toddler snatches etc. It really depends.

I why would you want your child to spend time with GPs, who dish out sweets, fizzy drinks and screens Willy Nilly? Invite them to spend time with you so that you have more control.

Thanks, yes I will do. I think the GPs are just following the pattern and rules of the parents. I’d like to think they’d respect my rules of no sugar or screens, for DS.

I think its the grandparents themselves who are preventing the bonding. For whatever the reason may be, they seem to be unable to keep your child safe or take care of them in the way you want. I think if you want them to be able to be around your child, some gentle (ha!) honesty is required in terms of setting dietary and other boundaries. I don't think its the 3yo's fault any more than it would be the "fault" of a boisterous untrained dog but in both cases, if the responsible adults won't/can't address the issues then its your job to advocate for and protect your child.

"liking to think" is not enough though.

She's 3, you sound very unpleasant about her.
Why don't you offer to have her over once every week or 2 so you can help her learn how to act with DS and build their bond?

DS is my first child

Wow, I'd never have guessed...

Haven't read the full thread but, yes, a three-year-old absolutely can be mean. When I was three, our family went on a few days' break. My father and big brother stayed on a hired boat with my grandfather (who was already on the boat) and my mother, sister and I stayed in an hotel a couple of miles away. I had no idea what was going on (though I expect they tried to explain everything to me). My family had always lived together and I had never been to an hotel before. I was clearly upset by this, as I took to scratching the lovely hotelier's nice daughters whenever they were close enough. My mother was horrified when she found out and had a serious talk with me alone in our room. I behaved after that and everyone carried on being nice about it. It was 68 years ago and I was mortified whenever I thought about it (my big sister only stopped reminding me of it 7 years ago when I asked her to desist!).