Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

But as your not in a nursery/ big setting targeting one child isn't happening he doesn't have others.
Nothing in your posts say he has a problem...30 years in childcare...he's normal..
Parents of babies are naturally cautious nothing wrong with that...if you don't feel comfortable don't be pushed into it

Your description of a child of 3 is pretty concerning ...terrorising and bullying wow
The suggestion is a good one but if never recommend a child spends time with anyone who actively dislikes them as you do ....but one day you maybe pulled in to hear your child is now doing these perfectly normal behaviours it's the adults role to work on them....if your child ever hits, bites pinches pulls you I wonder how you will react because most children do at some point.

I'd not leave a 1 year old with gp if they don't really understand they need to watch dc this age all the time. You wouldn't leave him in a playgroup unattended. Trust your instincts. He's too young.

I think the word you are looking for is unsupervised.

You sound quite PFB

I do understand - and my DS was actually 2 years older than his boisterous cousin. Cousin was allowed to do what he wanted and the only time I ever witnessed his parents intervene before I did, was when he was trying to hit DS with a plastic cricket bat and his mum very quickly told him to stop "because he was too close to the TV" - no concern for DS.

As DS was older he was able to articulate that he didn't want to spend time with his cousin, so we kept visits to a minimum.

I think the problem lies with the parents and grandparents not laying down adequate boundaries, rather than the child themselves.

I would be tempted to say to MIL that a weekend sleepover sounds a lovely idea, but it's too soon at the moment as DS does know them well enough, and also cousin is a bit too boisterous at the moment, so hopefully by next summer cousin will have grown out of the boisterous stage and DS will be a bit more robust. Prod MIL into addressing boundaries with older GC if she wants younger GC to stay over.

My nearly 3 year old is tall for his age and wears 4-5 clothing.
I'm forever protecting my 1 year old neice from him as he's massive and she's absolutely tiny, born premature too.
He has zero concept of personal space and will accidentally fall on her.
No way, I would leave those 2 together with just family as people seem to just let the kids play and sit back and watch.
So, go with your gut i would say.
It's all fun and games until he accidentally throws a hard toy at your child and you hear, oops it was only an accident, he didn't mean it.
Little comfort!

You might as well have just said ‘I don’t want my child to spend any time with their grandparents because I don’t like their other grandchild and I don’t like the parents of their other grandchild or the way that they parent’.

and given the story, that might be a fair comment

This is the family you have and that your son has. It’s not going to be the same as the one you grew up in. You’re the one who lives far away from your in laws: you’re the incomers to that family, just like your DH is the incomer to your parents’ family.

Take it or leave it. If it’s really that important for your children to “bond” with his grandparents you’ll have to take them as they come. You can’t expect other people to change so that you can have the family environment you want for your son.

I say this only because the cousin sounds like a somewhat undisciplined toddler/small child. It won’t always be this way; I’m sure that isn’t the sum total of her value as a family member.

I don’t actively dislike them. As I’ve already said, it’s a combination of the parents and the child’s age. As I’ve already said before the word bullying was too harsh but from what I’ve read, and from some of the responders firsthand experience of children of that age that have been the same, it could potentially fit.

I get why the responses have been so heated as the word bully is a strong word to use, but im
learning too.

Feel free to re-read the original post, my responses so far, and come back to offer something constructive based on the situation.

Oh please. You know nothing. And based on the small details I’ve shared so far it’s clear the child isn’t being pulled up on behaviours that are a risk to other children. Re read the post, my replies, then feel free to come back with something constructive that relates to the situation.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate you sharing that. I’m still learning.

Thank you for sharing and your suggestions 🙏🏻

I don’t understand your comment. What is PFB?

I think a one year old is very young to be staying away from home without at least one parent. Obviously, not in an emergency situation, but at any other time. I remember leaving ds for a night at about 18months, but we had no choice.
You've been told 3 year olds aren't either bullies or mean. It's true. And 3 year old's parents will be learning just like you.
There's years and years of bonding time ahead. Why rush to overnights now? 3 year old is bound to treat grandparents place like home- that's what they've been taught. It's not personal. I'd treat them like a couple of puppies and let them get to know each other for short times, supervised, before I let them off.

But after agreeing bullying was harsh you then said goes around terrorising....which is even worse. The child needs supervision and guidance they are not the problem....which you don't seem to accept by giving these labels....that's the issue for me

I have read your posts.

The way you describe the three year old is horrible. You are attributing behaviours to a very small child that are not realistic. For example

‘treats the home like a second home’
‘demands all the attention’

Then you talk about the sweets, fizzy drinks and iPads. You don’t approve of the way they are bringing up their child. It does sound like they are shit parents but it also sounds like you don’t like them and you don’t like the child. Which is what I said in the first place.

Precious first born. Thinking your child is specially and more lovely than everyone else's... More precious.

When your child is 3 you will hang your head on shame at calling a 3 year old a bully.

Honestly, letting a 3 and a 1 year old play together unsupervised was always going to go wrong. You would have been completely fine to correct your nieces behaviour. A sharp “AH, we don’t push” with a stern look will usually work on a 3 year old. But in all honesty, she just sounds like she’s 3 rather than a mean girl that will turn into a bully as she gets older. Your DS is adorable because he’s 1 but he will also go through this less than desirable phase.

You’ll also meet loads of rubbish parents in your DC’s lives so it’d be helpful for you to lose the attitude of “I can’t tell off other peoples kids” - you absolutely can and you’ll find they do the same with yours if they misbehave and you’re not quick enough off the mark.

It sounds as if the grandparents are not really interested or knowledgeable when it comes to proper supervision of children.

Your child clearly comes from a home where he is being trained to behave well, and because of that, I'd avoid confusing him by sending him to spend time with the grandparents.

There will be plenty of time for him to 'bond' with the grandparents as he gets older and better able to stand up for himself.

I think you have to see it like this - your nephew is not a bully. He is a 3 year old who is used to being the centre of attention (when they want that and don’t give him an iPad!)

3 year olds can’t share easily anyway - read ‘whole brain child’

I agree with pp - it’s your in-laws. Can they take him out for days out?

Don’t write your nephew off because he has a lively personality! Look for the good in him! How would you feel if it were your SIL doing this about your son?

I’m describing their unchecked behaviour, yet you still haven’t offered anything constructive about the situation. You seem more focused on criticising my description of what I’ve observed instead.

I’m describing their unchecked behaviour, yet you still haven’t offered anything constructive about the situation. You seem more focused on criticising my description of what I’ve observed instead.

Re read the post and my replies. This clearly isn’t the case. I’m a concerned mother that’s asked for the kind advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation. As it turns out there are many, and they have shared helpful insight and constructive advice.

Thank you. I appreciate your insight and I’ll take it on board 🙏🏻