Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

A three year old is not a bully.

You sound very judgemental and very precious in your own kid. You can not wrap
him up in wool. Let him go and have fun with the cousin and unclench

As above, a 3 year old isn't a bully. It doesn't sound like the adults in his life are doing the best job at helping him learn social behaviours and he isn't used to having share anything at his grandparents' house. It is the adults that are the issue here not the child.

Personally I wouldn't want to leave my child with anyone for a whole weekend when they haven't spent much time with them. They need to start smaller- why can't they take your DS out on a day trip or something without your nephew or come and look after him at your house whilst you go on a date night etc. A weekend needs building up to.

I would also be concerned. Who’s handing over the sweets, fizzy juice and screens? This is one for your DH to bring up to them tactfully. At one though there is no rush for sleepovers.

Is the 3yo a bully, or a 3yo acting like a 3yo? Not many 3yo have the cognitive capacity to be bullies. Don’t get me wrong, babies, toddlers and young children are masters at getting what they want by recognising behaviours that achieve this and going full throttle on those behaviours, but that’s not bullying, it would be rare for them to have that ability.

A three year old is not a bully. Much bigger children often feel a bit threatening when your child is much smaller, wait until your child is the older one and you realise you were being unreasonable.

Grandparents do not need time alone to bond with their grandchildren. My children didn’t spend any time alone until they were much older and they are very close with both sets of GPs.

The solution to your problem is to invite the GPs to stay at your home.

Just say no because they clearly cannot manage the one child let alone two without extra help.

Thanks for your input (I think).

They act in a way that can feel quite bullying, though I realise that’s a strong word to use for a three-year-old. I understand it’s a boisterous age, but the main concern is that their behaviour often goes unchecked, with no real consequences.

Other children end up affected because it’s allowed to continue.
For example, on one occasion, the child kept snatching toys and pushed my son in his walker.
He almost slid off the edge of a step, but I managed to catch him just in time. So perhaps “bully” wasn’t the best word, it’s more about the fact that the adults don’t step in when they should.

Maybe I should have used the word mean, instead. Can a 3 year old be mean?

For now I would ask the gp’s to stay with you. That way your dc gets attention and you get to control the environment.

The 3 year old is behaving in a totally normal way for a 3 year old who isn’t getting their behaviour dealt with. They aren’t mean or a bully - they’re learning at this age, but they need someone to teach them what to do, and what not to do.
If they don’t get taught, the behaviour doesn’t magically fix itself and then the child can turn out quite unpleasant. I know this as I have a very similar nephew. His parents (my husbands brother and wife) are just weak about correcting behaviour, overused the iPad, never followed through on consequences etc. As a result, he is now 15 and a pretty unhappy, angry and unpleasant boy to be around who has never had boundaries or consequences.

In your situation I would just invite PILs to yours, or on days out. Maybe they could stay at yours and you go out for the evening and then after they’ve done this a few times, you could go away for the night.

Ok, I’ll consider this. Thanks. DS is my first child, so I appreciate I’ll have to find the right balance with many similar scenarios in future.

No I wouldn't allow a sleepover either. It sounds like the 3 year old is quite rough and that this is unsupervised or indulged in (maybe grandparents think it's just boys being boys). They sound quite indulgent (treats and screen time) and while I get that they want to spoil the grandchildren, I would be concerned that they aren't balancing this out with saying no. I would just keep visits to yours.

Yes,3 year old kids can be mean.
Looks like the other child has nobody to correct their behaviour

Invite GP’s over to you if you want them to build a bond with your child.
I wouldn’t send my child on its own purely for safety reasons.

My child wouldn’t be staying there without me because the GPs sound unfit if they think it’s appropriate to appease toddler tantrums with sweets, fizzy drinks and ipad. Your nephew is 3!!! He’s only tiny and he’s not a bully FFS. You’re looking at this all wrong.

I wouldn’t allow my DC to stay, no.

Much better to invite the GPs to visit you and get to spend time with your child.

Is your child 1?

The problem isn't that your nephew is a bully, 3 year olds are just like that, it comes with the territory. Your placid 1 year old may well be a demon 3 year old - some of them are!

The problem is that your in laws can't supervise him well (this is not really their job anyway, it's the parents job). Your in laws don't sound up for looking after 2 kids under 3, which is fair enough. This isn't on your nephew at all, but your in laws aren't going to manage them both at that same time, so I'd leave it until the kids are a bit older.

Oh, OP, I think you're wrong in using both the word "bully" and "mean".
He's 3! Life is very egocentric, for a three year old. I concede that maybe, if your LO is smaller, then parents/grandparents need to supervise, if they are together.
However, my own neice and nephew used to come and stay, frequently. They absolutely bounced off the walls, were noisy, maybe "rough" at times, didn't share, etc...
They are in their 20s now, and are truly, excellent people, who I would be proud to be parents of.

My 3 and they are close, despite geographical distance.
Don't write him off, with rather cruel ( if I'm honest) language. Because, he will become, ( in your mind), what you call him. And that's not necessarily true.

Irrespective of whether the cousin is there, I don't think I'd want my child spending loads of time with grandparents who don't intervene when they're misbehaving, and reward bad behaviour with screens and give them fizzy drinks

How old is your child? Does the 3year old spend any time with other children? If he's with adults all the time then he's going to struggle to know how to play and share with other children. It's your job to protect your child and if you think leaving him isn't safe then don't leave him.

How old is your DS? Sorry if I missed it!

I guess it just doesn’t seem like normal 3yo behaviour to me, as I have other nieces and nephews. They were never like this at that age and I’d never feel uneasy leaving a child unattended near them. But I agree that regardless of their nature, the child isn’t the problem at that age, if the supervising adults aren’t correcting their behaviour. The word bully was wrong. But the child could turn into a bully I’m sure, if they continue to go unchecked.

The grandparents do spend time at ours instead. But they still would like a closer bond and more time.

My son is 1

“Unclench and let them have fun”

😂😂😂

Fun for the other child might not be funny for OP’s child.
It doesn’t take long for accident to happen when supervising adults minimise the impact of a child who doesn’t know right from wrong.

”oops,sorry” doesn’t fix the behaviour of out of control child regardless of age. It also doesn’t fix injuries sustained.

Speaking from experience

I heard
“I don’t know how it happened”
“I didn’t think it would do any harm”
”Oh,he was tired/upset/not well”
”I only turned away for a minute”

All excuses under the sun while the little darling runs riot.

I don't understand why you are blaming a 3 year old instead of the adults, Op. Regardless it doesn't sound like a good idea for your child to do sleepovers.

How old is DC? How do they feel about it? Why would DPs need to have both kids for the weekend?