Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

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I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

Your son is one he does not need a asleepover with his Grandparents on his own. Invite them to your house where you can control things. I would bet that they will be giving him sugar etc if they had him on his own.

You don’t have a problem with a 3yr old child.

You have a problem with:

1. Your expectations of what a child is responsible for vs what an adult is responsible for.
2. What is reasonable behaviour for a child (boys hitting boys back is not ok, it’s the foundation for youth violence).
3. The supervision and parenting being done around the grandparents house.
4. Your expectations on how much you can shelter your child from others who have different approaches to life to you.

None of this is about a 3yr old bully. However, these all need you to work on before you leave your child there for a weekend.

Bit early to think about all this.
The major concern is the lax parenting and supervision from not only SIL but the grandparents - they're all feeding your niece sweets and spoiling her with television etc.
It's hard to tell what you think is unreasonable though as it is your first and 1 is really young so a totally different age. 3 is pretty terrible but they should be hot on redirecting, encouraging sharing, reward chart or consequences etc
If that isn't happening then your dc will have the same!

Maybe let them have him for an overnight along with you or you come in the morning early.. or they have him for the day. He's little still so there's lots of time to encourage the grandparent bond in future with overnights and weekends.

The child is not a bully.

Wait til you have a 3 year old!!

If there is a problem it is the grandparents. Yes, they should be helping a 3 year old regulate their behaviour around a smaller child.

3 year olds are also entitled to play with their own toys without younger children constantly grabbing them (aka ‘sharing’ ). Etc.

And 3 year olds with a strong attachment might well feel jealous when they see grandparents paying attention to a younger child.

It is just bad luck that the grandparents live closer to the cousin. (good luck for them!)

Steel yourself to step back a bit and see what happens. Maybe without you there the grandparents will take more responsibility for managing?

Thank you! Thought I was goong mad reading that 🤣 Agree wholeheartedly.

The 3 year old may have some questionable behaviour but they won’t be a bully already at that age.

Your 1 year old hasn't spent much time with his grandparents yet everyone thinks that it's a great idea he goes there for a full weekend without you? I don't know how he will benefit from that. If they don't live locally and he rarely sees them he will surely be very confused and upset to be left there.

A three year old isn’t a bully, it’s a three year old acting like a three year old. However, if you have concerns about leaving your 1 year old alone with the 3 year old and grandparents because certain behaviours aren’t corrected, or you feel the 3 year old’s negative behaviour will be dismissed to the detriment of your dc then I don’t blame you for having reservations and not wanting to allow contact in this way.

When my dd was 1 yo we spent time with a boy (family member) who was 3 (almost 4). He was obviously very jealous of dd and I noticed that when he thought adults weren’t looking he would do nasty stuff to her (take baby toys from her, shove her, make nasty faces). She was little so didn’t really understand and didn’t necessarily react to what he did so his parents didn’t really react to his behaviour when I pointed it out. Then one day we went to a family party at a pub and he was playing with dd. I was watching at a distance and chatting to someone. As I watched, the boy looked around at the adults, didn’t clock me watching, and then grabbed her hand and lead her away. I followed and I saw him open the door to the car park, tell her to go outside and then started shutting the door on her trapping her outside in the car park. Obviously at that point I stepped in. I told his parents what had happened and they downplayed it and implied I was making a mountain out of a molehill and that I misunderstood the situation, which grated on me. But at the end of the day, he was just a little boy who didn’t understand the consequences of what he was doing. However, after that I heavily supervised them whenever we spent time with them, and I would never have left her alone with him and his parents.

So the point I’m making, if you don’t feel your dc is safe or their well-being may be compromised by spending time with this child without you there to supervise then I would follow your instinct and wait until your dc is older to spend time away from you in this child’s company.

A 3 yo is not a bully.

However, obviously a 3 yo’s parents are responsible for making sure they don’t hurt anyone etc and that they learn to behave better as they get older.

The GPs and you as parents can make a good relationship happen if they/ you make the effort. It doesn’t have to look like sleepovers though, especially not for a 1 yo

A 3yr old bully. Ive heard it all now.

A 1 year old is too young for sleepovers, especially with family who are struggling to look after other children and who live so far away that they barely know each other. Just say no. Re-visit when he’s 5 and old enough to speak up for himself if he needs to.

While I don’t agree they are a “bully”, I do agree however that 3 year olds can have some really bad behaviour if their grown ups haven’t addressed it, things like snatching and hitting etc.

Can you have a frank chat with your MIL, without her feeding it back and causing drama that is?

Say “Hi MIL, I would love for DC to come over to you without me there, the only concern is if cousin is there as I have seen them snatch toys and play a bit rough with DC and nobody seemed to notice. Are you able to keep a closer eye if I’m not there? I just don’t want my DC being hit or getting hurt. I also don’t want them exposed to any screen time yet”

I know exactly what you mean. Don't subject your child to this if no-one will intervene.

I agree with PP who suggested GP come and stay with you. This will help to strengthen their bond in an environment where both your DC feels relaxed, and will give you the peace of mind of knowing their safety needs are being met.

With regard to your DN; it is likely you are going to have some uncomfortable conversations going forward with either GP or BIL/SIL concerning behaviour and expectations of their child. It is very important that you reframe your thinking and more so your vocabulary to ensure open communication and less resentment. Their child is not a bully, their child is LEARNING. they are learning what is socially acceptable, they are learning boundaries in play, they are learning their own strength, etc. This framing puts the responsibility back where it belongs - on the adults!

Depending on your DN level of understanding, you can also use learning with reference to your DC. For example 'oh, remember DC is still learning, can you show DC how we share?'

Don't bother with the sleepovers, at 1 there is really no need.

I know someone who had this exact problem, with their cousins who were never told off and left to run riot while the grandparents and adults didn't pay attention, the person would never leave their child unattended with them as she didn't trust the adults.. the only times she ever left him alone there he was always injured in some silly way, the last time quite seriously as he had been held down and intentionally suffocated during a 'wrestling move', they didn't even ring her when it happened and her child was in such a state, they waited for her to come later and tried to downplay what had happened, no apology, nothing, she was absolutely furious over it, and it caused a big rift in the family that never really recovered, she never left them with them again.

I'm not saying your child's cousins are in the same league as that, but it is the exact same problem, which is complete lack of adult supervision.

Wait till he's older and can advocate for himself, if at all!

It's poor behaviour indulged by grandparents ideally they would learn actions have consequences but it doesn't sound like the grandparents are on the same page as you regarding having a bond with your child as well as the granddaughter your child nearly having a nasty fall should have been a wake up call it hasnt been because you were there to catch and prevent it from happening I wonder what the reaction would have been if you hadn't been there? Sweets all round? Or actual consequences (being at least told no)

Does this child go to nursery or is it grandparents only?

So not the same situation, but I do have a friend with a pretty violent toddler, and separately, my parents live a long way from us.

On the first issue, yes, whilst he's little, I just limpet on to my son when he's with the rough toddler (this has been going on since DS was a newborn - whenever I've met this child, he's tried to hit or bludgeon my son, and is very rough with his sister too). My friends "gentle parenting" doesn't seem to be the right strategy, but I just meet them and make sure I'm on hand to intervene.

So no, you don't have to leave your 1yo at the mercy of this child. In another year or so, he'll be much bigger and more independent.

On the bonding issue, my parents live 200m away, and see my son 4-5 times a year for a few days at a time plus facetime. He's 2 now, and he asks after them, chats with them, and asks to call, just as much as the local grandparents he sees once a week

He even asks after my mum, who quite frankly semi-ignores him half the visit, whilst my dad is hands on all the time.

So no need to panic about bonding.

In which case invite them to yours and you and other half go away for the night - the one year old has their home surroundings, you can hide the iPad etc and the grandparents get their 1:1 time

The other child is 3. All 3 year olds are still learning to share, be kind, want all the attention etc.
Surely this is an opportunity to build relationships between the cousins. They could end up best friends later.

3 year olds haven’t learnt to share yet. The issue you have is with the grandparents. I don’t know how old your child is but there is no way I would let my child stay with them if this is how they care for the 3 year old. Why on earth would you think that’s a good idea? If you want them to have a relationship invite them to yours or for days out. Problem solved.

This would be a good idea. They do come here sometimes. The only issue is that we are limited with space for them to stay over if we’re away as we only have 1 single-bed spare room. Unless they slept in our room, but would that be weird?

Well, I do agree that they're "learning to share/want all the attention" etc.

But the majority of toddlers I know age 1-3 are all variably able to share, and especially want each other's attention (which is not to say they're good at it).

If the parents aren't supporting that learning, it won't happen at all. Where I live, every toddler is being followed by a parent intoning "you have to share", often contradicting another parent saying "don't snatch, that's not yours".

It's a bit mealy-mouthed to say that 3yo are still learning if nobody appears to be teaching them.

I honestly have had this exact situation
Slightly older cousin but basically there all the time my 1 year old was there
Was so rough with her and not GPs fault but the parents never set any boundaries/consequence
My pp anxiety was so high in the first year
People told me it's fine and not to worry about it and I did leave them there a few times as I thought maybe this is just my pp anxiety getting the better of me and my DC got pushed around, things thrown and hit them etc, trying to bounce them too hard in the jumperoo etc, touching her when she just had surgery in the exact place I just told everyone "don't touch her there she's had surgery"
The sad thing is now my DC is 3 and absolutely now hates going to GP house. Says "I don't want to go there. " Or even "it's scary there" Or will say "no 'Oscar', just Nanna there"
So now we barley go round as she doesn't like it and it's all down to that first year. I try get the GPS to come here but they are so tied with obligations to the other grandchildren it's harder for them, I'm sure in an ideal world they would love us round there more but it's just not worth the aggro.
The cousin is older now and doesn't bother with her now but shes got those memories ingrained and they are stuck there from her first couple of years and that's it, her mind is set and it's affected the bond with that side of the family

So meet them half way between for days out.

Those adults need to step in to manage the 3 year old behaviour, not reward it with fizzy drink ( his teeth !! ) sweeties and iPad !
he’s just being a 3 year old but an unmanaged one .
I wouldn’t let your little one stay without you there until this is manageable

This is a very weird take when talking about very small children. Obviously you don't want anyone to hit a 3yo, what's wrong with you?

My own dc have survived to their teenage years without "hitting back" or, in fact, hitting anyone at all. Teach your dc to know when to seek adult help instead.

The 3yo isn't a bully, they are three! Your issues is clearly with the gps late of ability to supervise, I guess, but blaming a small child is really off. Their brain simply isn't ready to empathise and control their impulses as yet.