Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

[browser2025]

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

No the child isn't a bully
No the child isn't mean.

The adults are the ones you should have a problem with in that they are the ones who have not set boundaries.

His behaviour isn’t odd, and yes 3 yr olds and 1yr olds take a lot of supervision.

I would definitely have them staying with you to build the bond. I certainly wouldn’t send my 1yr old to stay with grandparents that don’t live round the corner.

To be honest, I wouldn’t send them to stay with people who give 3yr olds fizzy drinks sweets and iPads, to be honest.

Keep the fun at your house where it can be safer!

I have considered this too. I’d have strict rules about no sugar, no screens. I’d like to think they’d respect that.

Yabu, a 3 year old is not a bully. If anything they’re a victim of shit parenting.

One is probably a bit young to be at grandparents for the weekend anyway. His dad, sure. I think DD1 was three before she spent that long with GPs, and she knew them very well as they had looked after her one day a week since she was one. Maybe let them take him.for a day and see how they get on.

Is it an option to ask the bil/sil to not send the 3 year old round that weekend as difficult for pil to manage both children til they’re used to having your one year old?

I think its fair for @browser2025 to use the term bully. Yes a 3 year old doesn't have the capacity to be a bully as such, but his targeted behaviours can certainly be described as bullying, which aren't being corrected by adults. A 3 year old pushing around a 1 year old is a pretty big power imbalance, and the messages supervising adults are teaching the 3 year old, by not correcting, is that his behaviour is acceptable. He'll be a nightmare at nursery and then school, if this is how he is being taught now. Protect your baby @browser2025, I don't think you are being precious.

Personally I think a one year old is too young to spend a weekend with grandparents without you or DH there, regardless of the 3yo cousin. Plenty of time for bonding with them in the future.

The problem isn’t the 3 year old, it’s incompetent adult supervision.
3 is a boisterous age, and needs close supervision around a smaller child, and modelling and correction.

Sweets, and fizzy drinks are absolutely unnecessary, awful for teeth and dc’s digestion.

Screens are going to be the biggest hurdle to gp bonding.

Sorry op but I think you’re going to have to accept that your dc isn’t blessed with the kind of gps that you bonded with.

But couldn’t they spend extended time with DC at your house?

While you and DH pop off to Paris?

No need to be at GPs.

I wouldn’t be sending my 1yo away for a w/e anyway. I know people do but you say he’s not close to the gps plus this cousin issue. They’re too young for it to be bullying but a 1yo needs his parents around regardless and I’d want to be there until he’s older and this 3yo has (hopefully) grown out of this dynamic.

I hear what pp are saying about 3 year olds not being bullies, but some children have more dominant/forceful personalities than others and those children, if unguided and uncorrected, can act in ways that are miserable for the other children around them. This is especially hard if the other child is younger, smaller and less strong.

I’d be saying no to sleepovers without you at this stage. 1 is very young anyway, and the grandparents clearly can’t be trusted to correct and guide the cousin. Encourage the grandparents to visit you more and take your child out by themselves for a couple of hours for now.

They definitely won't respect that. That's one of the things you have to weigh up with your desire for a close family relationship - the fact they will do things differently from you. I'm of the opinion that's good for kids (my MIL used to take mine to church - I'm a staunch atheist) but maybe 1 is a bit little if you're going to worry? You can say not yet and fix a date say 6 months away to show you really want to do it?

Lord get a grip. The child is 3. 3 year olds don't share and they definitely snatch. They are neither bullies nor mean. They are 3.

If this is the case, then your in-laws are struggling to look after their grandchild. They are out of their depth.

This is the reason not to leave your child with them, not the other grandchild.

Bully in the wrong term though - self centred behaviour is perfectly normal at 3 and is a stage of development the way the 3 year old is normal

the failure here seems to be the parents and grandparents guiding and teaching about empathy and sharing etc and how we interact with the world

or they are and the OP is being precious about her 1 year old

either way the OP isn’t ready for this to happen and @browser2025 neither should you be - weekends away from you are a parenting choice and not a necessity. You aren’t ready your child is too young to ask so bench it

abd stop seeing him as anything other than a 3 year old. Even DD who at 16 has never had any form of trouble at school had a couple of moments at 3 and DS was bloody awful

You son is only one.
He is very young.
Gradually ease him into time with GP.

Request that GP have DS1 to stay, first off, for a half day on his own, including a meal.
Then have him to stay on his own for a whole day with two meals.
When you are all confident that DS1 is secure and coping send him for a some whole days when DC3 is visiting.

Only progress to your son staying for the night when you know that he is comfortable being there. That might be when he is three or four and after DGP have learned DS1's bedtime routine when they help at your home..

DC3 will soon grow out of the 'sun shines for me' stage and he'll be co-operatively playing with more consideration before he goes to school.
Adults in his life could be steering his kindness and manners more though.

Do you mean a sit in walker or a push along one. If its a sit in - this is one of the reasons which they aren't safe - off topic I know - can be tipped, pushed off steps, and terrible for their hip joints.

Can your DH do and stay with his parents with DS? Or you could invite them to yours

As you say, it's he lack of boundaries and adult behaviours which are an issue- giving sweets and fizzy drinks, not managing his behaviour. Children often don't know what is and is not ok unless they are taught

I don’t think a 3 year old can really be a bully or be mean. But they can have a huge amount of energy and are likely trying to work out boundaries, emotional regulation etc. That’s where the adults come in. Or not.
You do sound a bit judgmental and it’d be worth reflecting on the words you use re this child: bully, mean, not normal. Your experience with your DC is not going to be exactly the same as others.
That said, if you don’t feel comfortable- and that is fair enough- then maybe wait until your child is older.
Finally, re GP generally, this can be tricky as they may wish to indulge the GC and do so by giving what they see as ‘treats’ like sweets etc. Certainly my mum would give my DD chocolate while at the same time telling me it’s important kids don’t have too much sugar. Just flagging as something to navigate!

If I were you, I wouldn’t be too quick to refer to a 3yo as a mean bully when your child is only one and hasn’t reached that age yet.

I also wouldn’t send a 1yo away for the weekend without building up to it first.

I agree with other PP that a 3yo isn't a bully but I recognise the behaviours you describe.

I think this can be normal behaviour for a 3yo, however, some children seem to behave this way a lot of the time and are allowed for it to go unchecked. My 3yo has his moments but he's generally good at playing nicely with others - he's never rough, but we may sometimes need to remind him to share.

I would actually be more concerned that they're appeasing him with fizzy sweets and iPads.

I spent lots of time with my grandparents as a child and my son gets 121 time with his, including two long weekends so far, but I think 1 is a little young to need a solo weekend to bond with his. That's very much a parental choice, but it sounds like you're not convinced it's a good idea so not sure you need to force it.

No I wouldnt allow it. Not a one year old child who cant defend themselves.
Three year olds can be extremely hard work and need firm boundaries . They have to be monitored very closely at that age.
Don't inflict this on your baby

Yes, some of them most certainly are.

1 is, in my world, way too young for a sleepover without a parent.

I’m going to be eating my words when my son turns 3, aren’t I? I have another on the way too.

Thank you for all the input. I’ll be less critical of the 3yo but won’t be leaving my son there. I think I was considering saying ‘yes’ but with stipulations that the other child isnt there. I’m just sad that there’s this barrier, as I love the in laws and would love for them to have a close bond with him. If my son gets like this at age 3, I definitely won’t be leaving him unsupervised to terrorise other children.