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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boring wedding invite drama

207 replies

Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:01

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 21/11/2025 20:04

I think DH needs to go on his own if he goes at all.

toomuchfaff · 21/11/2025 20:04

I'd be advising him he has options.

Its an invite not a summons, and if it doesnt work for him (him being alone all day, bored, lonely, no one to talk to) then he needs to out himself first, fuck the feelings of others and say "I'm going to have to decline your invite, I hope you have a lovely day, best wishes"

No apologies- he's not sorry. Hes setting a boundary that he doesnt want to attend.

indoorplantqueen · 21/11/2025 20:08

He should just go on his own if he actually wants to go. Inviting 6 people you don’t know is not unreasonable regardless of the fact you’re married to her brother.

TowerRavenSeven · 21/11/2025 20:09

Honestly him being worried of being on his own is what is worrying to me.

Homegrownberries · 21/11/2025 20:09

As already said, he should go alone, if he goes at all. I think he shouldn't go.

Ponderingwindow · 21/11/2025 20:11

If he goes, I think he should go alone. It’s very odd not to invite a spouse or extremely long term partner to a wedding, even if you have never met.

I can understand why he doesn’t want to miss his siblings wedding though, despite the rude invitation. He shouldn’t make it worse though by bringing a subset of the children.

Leeds2 · 21/11/2025 20:12

I would suggest he goes by himself, or not at all. I think it is particularly odd not to invite you, his long term partner.

FuzzyWolf · 21/11/2025 20:15

He needs to realise he can go and accept it being awkward or he can say no.

YANBU.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2025 20:15

I dont see the issue with her only inviting him. As in, it's a pretty poor relationship/family set-up all round, why would you care to go. Shrug and leave them to it. If your husband wants to, that's up to him. I dont see an issue with him taking your joint bio children if that's what he'd like to do.

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:17

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2025 20:15

I dont see the issue with her only inviting him. As in, it's a pretty poor relationship/family set-up all round, why would you care to go. Shrug and leave them to it. If your husband wants to, that's up to him. I dont see an issue with him taking your joint bio children if that's what he'd like to do.

I don't mind he

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 21/11/2025 20:18

I don't think your husband should feel forced to go either to be honest.

Is there a specific reason he doesn't see his family? Or just distance?

I would tell him that introducing his kids to his family at an event where everyone is on top of each other for 3 days, when tensions is high, alcohol in the mix etc... is a bad idea.

He hasn't seen them in so long, he can't really tell which way it's going to go, so bringing young children into this is a bad idea.

Pineapplewaves · 21/11/2025 20:18

If your DH wants to go, he should go on his own.

If he doesn’t want to go on his own then he shouldn’t go at all - his reason is that the whole family are not invited, this is a reasonable excuse to decline the invite.

Moonnstars · 21/11/2025 20:19

I actually think it's fine that it was only him that was invited in this situation. The family sounds complicated with the fall outs or whatever it is that has caused fractures within them. You have never met her, so maybe the best you could expect is for her to possibly add you on so he doesn't have to go alone, which sounds like she might be willing to do and then none of the children (which sounds like you are unwilling to accept and want it to be all of you or none of you). I don't really see someone else's wedding as an opportunity to introduce your kids to them. If you want to do that then host your own event or invite people round to visit.

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:21

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2025 20:15

I dont see the issue with her only inviting him. As in, it's a pretty poor relationship/family set-up all round, why would you care to go. Shrug and leave them to it. If your husband wants to, that's up to him. I dont see an issue with him taking your joint bio children if that's what he'd like to do.

I don't mind her just inviting him. But I don't like splitting the kids up. We are parents to all five children. What do I say to the 10 and 11 and 7 year old. They've not been invited but the baby and toddler have?! They are all aware of the biological difference between them but we don't need other people treating them differently for it. We've always been a package deal no one has ever done this to us before.

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 21/11/2025 20:23
  • odd to not invite you as his wife
  • not odd to not invite the kids (that’s 7 seats… that could be 10% of the wedding guests).

Strange to have been with someone 15 years who speaks to his sister weekly, and never met her!!

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:27

Moonnstars · 21/11/2025 20:19

I actually think it's fine that it was only him that was invited in this situation. The family sounds complicated with the fall outs or whatever it is that has caused fractures within them. You have never met her, so maybe the best you could expect is for her to possibly add you on so he doesn't have to go alone, which sounds like she might be willing to do and then none of the children (which sounds like you are unwilling to accept and want it to be all of you or none of you). I don't really see someone else's wedding as an opportunity to introduce your kids to them. If you want to do that then host your own event or invite people round to visit.

That's why it's over three days because she said it gives everyone time to catch up. She's hired an entire glamping site. There will be the other nieces and nephews present that have never met each other. She has specifically said no to me attending because I'm not family. It's just what she's saying about the kids that I can't get my head around. It's really hurtful.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 21/11/2025 20:30

Dh goes alone

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/11/2025 20:32

She has specifically said no to me attending because I'm not family

Will her husband not be her family once they’re married? Very odd.

Why hasn’t he seen her in a decade and a half? Also very odd.

I’d say he goes alone without using your young kids as human shields.

puppymaddness · 21/11/2025 20:32

Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:27

That's why it's over three days because she said it gives everyone time to catch up. She's hired an entire glamping site. There will be the other nieces and nephews present that have never met each other. She has specifically said no to me attending because I'm not family. It's just what she's saying about the kids that I can't get my head around. It's really hurtful.

Show quote history

"You're not family"?! You've been her brothers' partner for 15 years and you share kids together!!! she sounds very strange.

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:32

MidnightPatrol · 21/11/2025 20:23

  • odd to not invite you as his wife
  • not odd to not invite the kids (that’s 7 seats… that could be 10% of the wedding guests).

Strange to have been with someone 15 years who speaks to his sister weekly, and never met her!!

Edited

You'll find it even odder when I tell you we all live in the same city so it's not even because of distance!
DH grew up in foster care and all him and his siblings were separated. They see his mum and dad but he doesn't. So he keeps them at arms length to avoid dramas and has never wanted them knowing our address etc in case his parents find out. They have addiction and mental health issues still. The sings are all very amicable just not that close. But they have group chats and acknowledge birthdays etc with cards and presents.

OP posts:
Bananaandmangosmoothie · 21/11/2025 20:33

Bringing two kids because he will feel anxious/awkward otherwise is a really bad reason.

Daffidale · 21/11/2025 20:34

I think the whole “you’re not family” thing is hurtful. But I’ve seen enough of these type of threads on MN to realise people clearly have two very different definitions of family.

Your definition is that by marrying her brother you’ve become family. And the adopted/fostered kids who live with you and her brother are also family.

She has the opposite view that only blood relatives are family. Being married to a blood relative doesn’t count. Being a step child/adopted/fostered doesn’t count. Those people aren’t “family” to her.

it’s hurtful to realise that she doesn’t think you and your other kids are family and she never will. Sadly I doubt there is anything you can do to change her mind. But at least you know where you stand with her. You aren’t her family, and she isn’t yours.

SquirrelFan · 21/11/2025 20:35

I think it stinks to invite only some children of a family rather than the whole family. Splitting the children up by bio/not bio is unacceptable. If I were you, I would not want to meet this sister and I would be hurt by both her and my partner if he went with just the bio kids. It sends a really crap message. On the other hand, if he wants to maintain the family connection (goodness knows why) he should go alone, maybe just for one of the days. If anyone asks why he's not staying for the whole wedding weekend, he can say because he didn't want to leave his real family for that long.

Perplexed20 · 21/11/2025 20:38

He can't use the children as a human shield.

He has to decide whether he wants to go or not..

Maureenwasacat · 21/11/2025 20:43

I feel very sorry for him. He's obviously trying to keep that connection to his family, it can be difficult to be estranged but if she's the better example of their family then he's much, much better off without them!