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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boring wedding invite drama

207 replies

Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:01

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

OP posts:
ExperiencedContractor · 21/11/2025 20:45

Given the circumstances it’s not surprising that she only invited her brother, he’s the only member of your family that she actually knows.

These blended family scenarios come up on here time and time again. There’s no right or wrong answer because every family, every person, every circumstance, is different. What it comes down to is you are the parent to all five children - your choice (though not through “choice” with the elder two admittedly). But she is not the aunt to all five children - her choice. You cannot force relationships to happen in extended families.

Putting two and two together and potentially getting five, but as your DP has only seen his sister once in 15 years and doesn’t talk to the rest of his family, I’m guessing there is a cultural/religious difference? In which case you are unlikely to win it over.

DP should go to the wedding alone. If he wants to build a relationship with any members of his family that would be better done individually and separate from his sister’s wedding. He needs to re-establish contact before throwing you and the kids into the mix.

PollyBell · 21/11/2025 20:51

Perso gets an invite they decide or not if they go, why do people need to check

It is an invite not a summons, it only needs to be more complicated if people make it so, no more thought needs to go into if no thinking about reasons no long drawn out reasoning- yes or no to what is written

Why is that so hard?

Itiswhysofew · 21/11/2025 20:52

How many plus ones are invited to weddings that don't really know the couple well? I'd say quite a few. It seems odd and hurtful not to invite you.

Toddlergirly · 21/11/2025 20:52

I think he should either go alone or also take his toddler. You can stay home with the baby and older children. Everyone mentioned in your OP has had a complicated life so I don’t blame your SIL for not wanting to pay to invite 5 children when she has a strained relationship with her brother.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 21/11/2025 20:54

There have been a bunch of these kind of posts on MN lately - there are always people who defend the CF bride and/or groom and I can understand not wanting a very recent relationship partner along with the family member. But when you are talking about a marriage or long term relationship excluding a partner is shitty. And picking and choosing among the children of the family is inexcusable.

TalulahJP · 21/11/2025 20:56

So they are tight on space and don’t want to meet a partner they dont know but have room for a couple of kids they dont know. Weird.

He'd be better going alone. Imagine one of the nephews hits one of your kids (even by accident) it’ll kick off world war 3.
It would be better for him to go alone with a back up excuse of “one of the kids is sick so I’m going to check home and may have to go early but I wasn’t going to miss your special day even if I can’t stay for the whole event, congratulations”
That way he can go if he feels trapped with a good excuse of little jimmy having tonsillitis or whatever… If he drives there he can go sit in the car lots too if he’s feeling stressed and say he was on the phone home.

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:58

Maureenwasacat · 21/11/2025 20:43

I feel very sorry for him. He's obviously trying to keep that connection to his family, it can be difficult to be estranged but if she's the better example of their family then he's much, much better off without them!

I feel terrible for him. His sister is saying she really wants him there but I don't think she wants him there that much if she won't also invite all his kids or wife. I haven't said that though. I've just said ill support him going and help with the planning and be on the phone for support etc but that he isn't splitting the kids up. I can see he's upset about it.1

OP posts:
AprilinPortugal · 21/11/2025 20:59

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/11/2025 20:15

I dont see the issue with her only inviting him. As in, it's a pretty poor relationship/family set-up all round, why would you care to go. Shrug and leave them to it. If your husband wants to, that's up to him. I dont see an issue with him taking your joint bio children if that's what he'd like to do.

Agree, and I bet the other kids wouldn't care less not to go. They don't know her

BiBimBap8997 · 21/11/2025 20:59

I really feel for your DH, that sounds like an incredibly difficult upbringing and also difficult situation to walk into.

I don't think it's massively bad if he takes the youngest 2 but YANBU to stand your ground, you know your kids.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/11/2025 21:00

it's harder cos it's the youngest two that can go. it's always easier to explain away the older ones, especially as DH is alone and it's all weekend. I think it's just a straight no to DH taking them. on a practical level, he'll be tied up glamping with a baby and a toddler, in bed early and stuck in his tent from their bedtime onwards alone. without them he can at least socialise. and absolutely because the older ones will know it's cos of blood.

I do think that your DH is partly to "blame" for this thom. you've been together all that time and he's never suggested you all meet up for a meal? He's never suggested getting a babysitter if he didn't want to involve the kids and introduce you to the siblings? I get it's a complicated family but he's intentionally kept you and the kids on the outside, so I'd insist that's where you stay.

Sassylovesbooks · 21/11/2025 21:00

In normal circumstances I'd say that the entire family unit should be invited to a wedding. However, your husband isn't close to his sister, if he's not actually seen her in 15 years (unless she lives abroad), and she hasn't met you or her nieces/nephews. They may well keep in contact, but it's still not a close relationship. In these circumstances I can see why only your husband has been invited. Yes, it would have given your SIL the chance to have got to know you and the children, if you'd all been invited, but she clearly doesn't see that or at least isn't interested in pursuing it. If your husband wants to go to his sister's wedding, then he needs to go by himself. Taking his biological children, as an emotional crutch is not fair on them. He needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with his extended family. If he doesn't want to go by himself, then he needs to decline the invitation.

PollyBell · 21/11/2025 21:01

Hotflushesandchilblains · 21/11/2025 20:54

There have been a bunch of these kind of posts on MN lately - there are always people who defend the CF bride and/or groom and I can understand not wanting a very recent relationship partner along with the family member. But when you are talking about a marriage or long term relationship excluding a partner is shitty. And picking and choosing among the children of the family is inexcusable.

Again people can just decline the invitation they don't need to stick their own drama on to it

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 21:02

ExperiencedContractor · 21/11/2025 20:45

Given the circumstances it’s not surprising that she only invited her brother, he’s the only member of your family that she actually knows.

These blended family scenarios come up on here time and time again. There’s no right or wrong answer because every family, every person, every circumstance, is different. What it comes down to is you are the parent to all five children - your choice (though not through “choice” with the elder two admittedly). But she is not the aunt to all five children - her choice. You cannot force relationships to happen in extended families.

Putting two and two together and potentially getting five, but as your DP has only seen his sister once in 15 years and doesn’t talk to the rest of his family, I’m guessing there is a cultural/religious difference? In which case you are unlikely to win it over.

DP should go to the wedding alone. If he wants to build a relationship with any members of his family that would be better done individually and separate from his sister’s wedding. He needs to re-establish contact before throwing you and the kids into the mix.

There's no cultural or religious differences at all. All born and live in the UK and no religions between us.

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 21/11/2025 21:03

I normally roll my eyes at wedding invite dramas. But this is out of order! His sister sounds rude and obnoxious. As it currently stands you are more family than her future groom is. If one of my siblings pulled this shit and with this explanation then l wouldn't be going

Original poster
Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 21:07

Toddlergirly · 21/11/2025 20:52

I think he should either go alone or also take his toddler. You can stay home with the baby and older children. Everyone mentioned in your OP has had a complicated life so I don’t blame your SIL for not wanting to pay to invite 5 children when she has a strained relationship with her brother.

I understand that, but she wouldn't have to pay extra. She's hired a campsite with a crap Ton of entertainment for each of the days. Having 3 extra children there wouldn't make a difference. It's bring your own food and alcohol.

OP posts:
SixSeven · 21/11/2025 21:07

He goes alone and stays for as long or short as he likes, once he’s sussed it all out.

I don’t think you can be upset that all the children weren’t invited, but it’s odd she excluded you. Would you have been able to go just the two of you without all the kids?

arcticpandas · 21/11/2025 21:08

I feel sorry for your DH who is nervous about seeing his fucked up parents at the wedding. I would just decline if I were him and explain to sis. They live in the same city and never sees each other and you have never met her so it's not like they are close.

Duckyfondant · 21/11/2025 21:10

I'm not sure why he wants to go. It'll be awful. If they live in the same city and haven't seen each other for 15 years, a 3 day wedding is not the time to break the ice

Jopo12 · 21/11/2025 21:12

Inviting a husband and not a wife (or vice versa) is utterly unreasonable.
If someone invited my husband and not me my husband would not go, and vice versa. You become a single unit when you get married.

As for the kids, it's either all or nothing. Your family is 5 kids, there's no debating that. Whether your sil gets it or not, you love all those as though they're your own. They are your family and both you and DH absolutely must defend that position and not distinguish between them.

There's no doubt in my mind that DH must turn down the invite. You and his kids are the most important people in his life, and if he doesn't stand up for them, then who will???

Eenameenadeeka · 21/11/2025 21:18

It sounds like the family issues growing up (and still) mean that she sees things really differently than what most of us would because you would generally invite both husband and wife, though many people don't invite children. It would be a lot for him to take a baby and toddler and go without you, so I'd think he either goes alone or misses it.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 21/11/2025 21:21

PollyBell · 21/11/2025 21:01

Again people can just decline the invitation they don't need to stick their own drama on to it

Show quote history

Can you really not see what a horrible situation that would be for OPs DH? They are not the ones creating the drama here.

tierdytierd · 21/11/2025 21:23

What a horrid position for your DH to find himself in.
in your position id not want the children to be split up, it’d just be a real kick in the teeth for them and for you & DH also. Neither of you have created this situation but both of you are thrown into it.
can he go for the day/ceremony and then leave? Does he really need to go for full days /overnights?
also as another poster said it’s not a summons, he’s protecting his family the ones who show up for him /eachother everyday x

NConthe · 21/11/2025 21:25

This is a hard one, very complicated. Is the wedding in the same place you live so he could go for one of the days and come home afterwards. Maybe take the toddler but not the baby?

Dollymylove · 21/11/2025 21:28

Weddings are supposed to be family occasions. Your OH should politely decline. I wouldnt want to go to to a 3 day wedding anyway. One day is more than enough for me!!

OVienna · 21/11/2025 21:30

Simplesbest · 21/11/2025 20:27

That's why it's over three days because she said it gives everyone time to catch up. She's hired an entire glamping site. There will be the other nieces and nephews present that have never met each other. She has specifically said no to me attending because I'm not family. It's just what she's saying about the kids that I can't get my head around. It's really hurtful.

Show quote history

The campsite is a big drip feed, OP.

I was envisioning more of an adults "mainly", if not exactly "only", type venue which I could understand her inviting just the two of you to and not all the children. It is odd that you've not met her in 15 years.

Now there's an event where everyone can bond?

No, you can't split the kids up. Dunno what I'd do tbh but probably just go the two of you to attend the wedding as a first step to building up a relationship?