Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

She sounds awful, if she’s throwing a 3 day lavish affair, she won’t even have time to babysit your partner let alone realize that you and the other kids are there.

Either partner goes by himself or all of you go, not just the 2 bio children, what an awful thing to do to make the other 3 children feel like they don’t matter. Your partner can’t use the kids as a shield, that’s not their job.

reading some of your responses, they are an “appearances” family, group chats, birthday cards etc but put no real effort into a connections based relationship. Only turning up to big events put on a show, smile for photos etc. Why would your partner even want to introduce your younger kids to the family when he doesn’t even want them to know where you live etc?

I feel for you as there is so much family trauma there for your partner and you will periodically have to deal with that until he cuts them off (if he ever will).

You are a family of 7. Your SIL doesn’t get to pick and choose and divide your family. I think your DH needs to go on his own if he wants to indulge his sisters self centred whims. SIL is choosing lavish 3 day wedding rather than a smaller affair that can accommodate her extended family.

I think your DH needs to consider why he is going if you aren't invited.

Yes to all of this.

I can't see why taking a baby and toddler is going to make him feel better about "going alone"; if anything it might make it more stressful. It isn't as though they are teens he can sit and chat with if he finds himself sitting alone.

I can understand her not wanting all 7 of you, given the distant relationship, but if she has said she can stretch to him and two dc, I don't know why she didn't just ask you and him and leave it at that. Lots of weddings don't ask children, but most ask partners.

The whole dynamic seems really very odd.

This is aside from the main point, but some issues surrounding weddings these days never fail to surprise.

People's time, money and annual leave are precious. On whose planet are three whole days a reasonable 'ask?' I'd suspect that a whole day plus an evening event are more than enough for most people. That said, quite a lot of people freely expect their guests to lavish large sums on travel expendure and their valuable leave days to attend overseas weddings.

Three days' glamping at my own expense whilst appeasing difficult relatives is not at all my idea of a good time. DH's attendance or otherwise is of course up to him, but this event doesn't sound suitable for young children, even if you weren't inclined to give this a hard pass on their behalf thanks to the divisiveness of the invitation.

Some couples appear to lose their entire grip on reality the moment they issue their invitations. Weddings like this are more trouble than they're worth.

If they were all in foster care they will have skewed perception of ‘family’.
your husband should go alone and stay for a day. It’s a compromise.

This post is from November. Do you really think k your contribution was of any value?