Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

Having just read your update...I had assumed she lived far away. If you live in the same city and just never meet, he should absolutely not take any of the children. They could have met any time if they wanted, but haven't because of complex family dynamics. And a baby and a toddler glamping as a solo parent sounds crap. What's he going to do, sit in a tent from when the baby goes to sleep while everyone else parties?

Not read previous posts but from initial statement, DH should decline the invite. And you all do something nice together instead. It’s just rude

3 days solo-parenting a baby and a toddler on a glamping site sounds like a nightmare, and that's before you throw in pissed up wedding guests and estranged family members. What on earth is he thinking?

I can understand her inviting you but none of the children, but why is she getting married if she doesn’t believe marriage makes you family? Is her new husband or in laws not going to be her family?

I think DH should just decline the invitation. Not out of a sense of outrage, but because it sounds like it will just bring him stress & sadness.

The bride is nuts.
Your H should not go if you’re not invited, he’s condoning her very poor attitude/ behaviour.

It's glamping!?!?!? Yanbu!

He can do what he likes but no way would he be taking the baby and toddler.

He needs some therapy not a human shield formed by clutching onto to his 2 x youngest children for 72 hrs....

Given he doesnt like / isnt comfortable woth his family... In his shoes i'd sent a card and wouldnt attend myself or go for the actual wedding.

Separately your SIL sounds like an absolute dickhead. Shes trying to "make him choose" and he is "choosing" her.
Its all very dysfuntional.

This
its fine both ways.

Inviting and catering for a group of people you’ve not met is not something that should be forced on someone for their wedding. Great if they can, not an insult if they don’t want to

but equally if going by himself after all this time makes him feel awkward, that’s also fine to decline

not worth falling out over. There is a chasm of issues there that cannot necessarily be sorted at a wedding

Thanks everyone.

I absolutely do not mind not being invited myself but I am surprised. I talk to her on the phone and she often video calls and all of us Inc the kids chat to her. It doesn't feel like I don't know her. I know her pets names, I know her work dramas, I know her best friend. We get all their holiday updates. What upset me was her dividing our kids up. My eldest two have been here longer than my 2 kids. I can't get my head around it.

A lot of assumptions from people that my DH hasn't bothered with her. That's not true at all. Up until about 7 years ago he tried a lot. Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both.

Yes my DH has had lots of counselling over the years and sometimes does need yo go back to it.

Some helpful ideas about just attending the actual wedding and suggesting DH skips the rest. He doesn't see it as he's using the kids as an emotional shield but I agree he is.

I also agree it isn't the place for a reunion. But that's his sisters plans. I'm also starting to wonder if she specifically wants DH on his own as he'd be more susceptible to pressure to engage with his parents.

Someone else mentioned maybe it's because she has had to tell other non blood relatives no and needs to stick to the same rule for all. This also makes sense.

When we got married we did it at a registry office and only his grandparents attended from his familial side. His siblings did not attend because his grandparents were there and he's the only one that talks to them. He did not mind that they didn't come.

I'm not splitting the kids up. Yes I can explain that other people see the differences in our family but I can't explain why I'd be the one going along with it. And yes for those saying the kids won't care they will. And I can't right it with my conscience.

Thanks for all the perspectives and advice and ideas x

Not inviting you ( her sister in law) is odd. I know you don’t mind, but it’s still odd. As the wedding is nearby, can he just go for the actual wedding ceremony and not the three days?

It’s absolutely not up to SIL to demand that to see her he has to see his parents. He’s right to have avoided her.

In that context it feels even more like this depriving him of his family is a manipulation to get him to engage with his parents.

In his shoes I wouldn’t go. And in life I would make her do the running.

Life’s too short for this kind of jiggery pokery.

I think you need to tell your dh that if he feels pressured to engage with his parents at sils wedding it’s totally ok for him to leave.
what are the others like? I know he’s not in much contact but could he call one and say he’s worried sil is planning to use her wedding make him talk to his parents, and that’s part of why his partner isn’t invited?

totally agree the kids don’t go.

Wow. Honestly how appaulling. At the very least she should have invited you - together 15 years!

A wedding isn’t an occasion to get to re-connect with a sibling, both from such a troubled background. Far too many people around and the bride will want to be concentrating on all her guests.

I think that if DH has decided it’s time to meet up, then he could arrange to meet his sister before the wedding on his own or taking you with him for moral support. It is very understandable that he might need your moral support under his circumstances I agree, as it would possibly be a very triggering occasion for him.
I think it would be foolish for him to commit to a three day glamping event on his own where he felt obliged to stay. It’s not a scenario with the best chance of success for him.

I would advise him to say no to the wedding for personal reasons but instead, to make an effort to re-connect more privately, a bit at a time and gradually introducing you all as family to his sister and her new husband.

Maybe as a starter, he could meet up with just his sister on his own for a coffee in order to give a gift and card from you all and make plans then to meet up again in order to introduce you properly over a lunch or dinner.

I do have to say though, that I think your SIL isn’t demonstrating much understanding or empathy towards her brother with a single invite, given the background circumstances. I think she should have invited you to be with him at ieast.

Three days is much too long for two toddlers to be away from home and mixing with meth addicted grandparents.

His options ..
Your husband declines the accommodation (not safe enough or predictable enough for the children) and just attends the wedding with you and all of the children.

Your husband declines the accommodation and attends the wedding with you alone.

Your husband accepts the invitation and goes alone. While there, once he is sure of their character) he invites his newly wed sister and husband (and maybe some other siblings) to meet at a suitable child friendly restaurant at a set date about a month after. This is where all children could meet each other.

They might be family but these people are complete strangers. A responsible father would want to know them before introducing any child into their care. He needs your assessment of the family dynamics too. There is too much at risk. Your husband will not be missing out on much if he can't go at all. The family is so mean, addicted and unknown.

I agree that SIL is deliberately depriving him of moral support so she can force him to engage with the deadbeat parents.

He should tell her he can't go because he isn't up to dealing with that. His family now is you and the kids, not his fucked-up family of origin, and it's his job to protect himself and all of you from their psychodrama.

If your dh wants to go for the wedding ceremony he should do that to be there for his sister. But, that is all.

This! He's going out of some perceived 'duty' to his sister, whom he never sees and who doesn't acknowledge the family he created. It would be a no from me.

Sounds to me like he has been invited on his own so that he can be ambushed by his parents.
Don’t see how he can avoid them for three days. If they have addiction problems I’m guessing there will be alcohol there recipe for disaster all round.

I think you’ve been given tacit permission here to drop the rope with her OP. The wedding sounds huge and lavish and with a glamping bring your own type of arrangement that you describe, it’s not a cost issue.

Your DC won’t have the chance to meet cousins and forge family connections.

She’s been clear about she views you and your DC - you and your DC aren’t family. So I wouldn’t be saying hi on video calls or chatting about pets or work drama. Your DH can choose to have whatever relationship with her that he wants, no worries. But that would be the end of things for me, she’d get none of my time again. And I certainly wouldn’t be letting my DC chat to someone who’s going to treat them so shabbily. Your eldest two have been through real tragedy in their lives already, and possibly your foster child too, so they all need shielding from this kind of behaviour.

Also, if I’m being honest, I’d be disappointed with DH for going. Having read your full updates it makes more sense but I’d still feel as if he’s given them the green light to treat you like shit. Presumably other spouses will be there - but not you.

I agree that your SIL is potentially being manipulative and I would make sure your DH is well aware of what she might be up to. Regardless of your feelings, it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for your DC to be exposed to. Or your DH, but it’s his call whether he attends solo or declines.

You and your partner are worrying too much about the feelings of someone who lives near to you but has been minimal contact for 15 years.
Why would you allow this person to dictate divisions between your 5 children and cause them hurt feelings.

I think it's his decision OP. And for him to explain to the dc why he's made it.

He needs to decline the invitation. For a start it sounds like his parents might be there.

that is so hurtful

His family were so dysfunctional growing up that the children grew up in foster care, he has tried to build a relationship with his sister but she has said he either includes their biological mother or she won’t do face to face meetings…She hasn’t included you in the invite despite knowing her brother will be isolated and probably struggling.
She sounds like she has a stack of issues of her own, including not being able to respect other people’s choices.
In your husbands shoes I would attend the ceremony only or not go at all. Having alcohol around people with addiction issues and fraught relationships sounds like a recipe for disaster, added to the mix other people’s agendas that don’t respect other people’s boundaries, it isn’t something I’d put myself through.
No wonder your husband is anxious about going alone, too often blokes feel like they should ‘man up’ and go along with things despite the toll it takes mentally. It sounds like he has come a long way from his traumatic start, tell him he doesn’t need to revisit it alone for the sake of anyone else, and certainly not for someone who trampled over his boundaries.

I would advise your DH not going. It reads like his sister is hoping 3 days wedding will maybe bond together a family thats fallen apart. By inviting your DH on his own - it's provides more opportunity to presaude him to meet with family members he kept at distance. She's already had previous for inviting him mum along and without warning him first or asking.

Not inviting his whole family at glamping destination speaks volume.

I would politely decline and wish them well.