Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

If he doesn’t want his family to have your address then why would he want to take the youngest ones around them? It sounds like it could be a potentially drama filled occasion with the family history. I would say he should go alone if not everyone else is invited. If she wanted him there so much then she’d offer for everyone to come. Can he not just go for the actual wedding and not all the extra stuff? 3 days camping with people he doesn’t like sounds awful.

It’s really bizarre that she hasn’t invited you. Surely she realises how he would feel attending on his own. You are his family more so than her due to their distant upbringing. Most weddings offer a plus one. It doesn’t sound like she is making much effort for him which is sad.

This is just shit stirring drama. SIL is just organising a wedding, the only one making awkward is him for not accepting that she doesn't view his family as her family.

This.

And a glamping site with bring your own food and alcohol? Sounds so low-class.

No way would I agree to any of the kids going. Why can't he just attend the ceremony? It's an insult to not invite you.

Why not say "We wish you the best for your wedding and marriage. Unfortunately we cannot attend but we would love to have you to ours for dinner after your honeymoon, so you can meet (OP) and our children!"

But every known bit of etiquette out there says it's a major faux pas to not invite the spouse. The bride doesn't get to make up her own rules without facing the consequences. She's baldly insulting the OP.

I don't have a problem with childfree weddings, though. But you can't separate people by "bio" and "non-bio" when they live under the same roof as the same nuclear family.

Bride is a clod. I would not even contemplate attending. If DH wants to amp up his relationship with his sister, a three-day exclusionary wedding is not the time to do it.

Also one last thing but it sounds as though your husband could really benefit from some therapy. Has he ever seen a counselor?

Are his parents going? I can't imagine he'd want to see them.

You tell them the truth. That as far as you are concerned they're all your children equally, but that not everyone will see it the same way. And that that's ok.
It's probably not news to them. No need to make a big deal about it.

It is incredibly rude not invite people who live as married and it is incredibly rude to exclude their children by making judgements about who is or isn't family enough for you.

It's obviously an odd family dynamic. You would be 7 people l, thats a lot at a wedding if she's not met 6 of you. I can see why she'd just want a couple of kids rather than all of them there. Her semi- estranged brother's girlfriend's sister's kids aren't really priority at her wedding.

She obviously should have just invited all of you but sounds odd all round. No reason for the small kids not to meet their family. You're obviously all blended but she doesn't see it that way.

She sounds like an absolute cow, you’re lucky you’re not invited and feel you have to go. Poor DH

He’s seen her once in 15 years, he has no obligation to go to her wedding. I wouldn’t bother personally.

If she really wanted him to go she would have invited you.

Your poor DP. Wouldn't it be better to turn down the invitation but invite his sister and partner over to your house after the wedding to meet you all?

How have you never met her in all these years? Particularly when you all live reasonably close. Is it your husband who hasn’t tried to introduce you? Her that has refused to meet you? I can’t get my head round it. There have been fractures in my close family over the years, and I haven’t spent too much time with my brother, but we have met and introduced partners over the years. I can kind of understand why she hasn’t invited you and is saying you aren’t family if she’s felt snubbed/insulted by not having met you for all these years.

Why though? There is still this persistent idea that married people are completely joined at the hip. That if you want to invite someone to your party you have always invite their spouse even if you don't know them.

I think you need to set aside the weirdness here. It is weird for you not to be invited. Most people would allow a plus one to a guest, and I find it hard to believe that every single invitee is a blood relative of either the bride or the groom.

However, if SIL has mental health problems and your DH is trying to navigate a tricky situation I would try and take your feelings out of it. They haven’t had a normal upbringing and they don’t do normal family stuff as adults. It’s not personal.

If your DH wanted to take his biological kids, I would arrange an alternative for you and the others and explain it to them as: DH’s family is weird, usually we would all be invited, but they have some issues and this is how it is.

I say all this as someone who married a man who was in foster care and has siblings who all went through different struggles in childhood: living in different houses with different influences, some now have mental health problems as does their mum. It’s not the same as another family and you can’t expect it to be.

It’s traditional etiquette to invite established couples together.

If he doesn’t want to go on his own then he doesn’t go at all.

I can’t see that not going to the wedding of a sister he hasn’t seen for x years and who he has never introduced to his partner or family is going to make much difference to the way his family interacts with each other, and it doesn’t sound as though the bride cares a toss anyway.

I think your husband should go to the ceremony and depending how that goes he could have a drink and a snack for an hour or 2 at the glamp site and then leave. That way he has maintained his relationship with his sister by showing his face. It sounds really difficult I’m pleased you’ve managed to bite your tongue and support him

Your other kids will only mind if you engineer that that do. It’s easy to make an excuse why you and them aren’t going. I understand the SIL only want people her or her spouse know.
id encourage your husband to go with the toddler.
Its someone who is almost a total stranger to you so I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t invited.

I don't think the sister is being unreasonable in the slightest.

You don't invite 6 people you don't know, to your wedding. Potentially even more so if it is going to be a 3 day affair, 24 hours a day. That's a long time to spend with people you don't normally live with before you throw all the broken family into the mix.

Your dp is being very unreasonable to want to use small dc as some sort of human shield.

He has been invited, and can choose to go or choose not to go, he is being incredibly unreasonable to try to get you all invited, when it seems he has never invited his sister over to meet you in 15 years of your relationship! I had assumed you lived on different sides of the world, not in the same City.

Even if he didn't want her to know where he lives, he could easily have arranged to meet up for a drink / meal / picnic / walk / coffee etc.

Can he not see that it is really odd to expect his sister to invite 7 people to her wedding when your dp has NEVER, in 15 years, felt it was important enough for him to introduce (in the first place) you, and then your dc, at any point in your relationship ? It's just bizarre that - however messed up his childhood / teen years were - that he can't see a relationship is two way.

I think he should go on his own. His reasons for taking two are all about him and a bit shit. It sounds like he wants moral support (he will be 'on his own' otherwise) and I don't think it's appropriate to ask that from your own children. His discomfort about having to make small talk with strangers should not come over your other children's hurt at being excluded if the two children go. And his reason for thinking it would be good to introduce kids to family...I really don't think a wedding is the beat place to do that. Hyped up people, alcohol, busy, noisy, heightened emotions is not the place for estranged family to build bridges (although can be the start of it).

It's traditional etiquette to introduce your wife to your sister sometime in the decade and a half you've been married, yet here they are 🤷

If we're talking "traditional etiquette" though, I'd say it would be pretty traditional for a man to introduce his partner to his family - or just his sister if she is the only one he keeps in contact with - at some point during a 15 year relationship.

This clearly isn't a "traditional etiquette' kind of a situation, is it ?

thats rude ive been to a few weddings where i hadnt met brife or groom was still invited as my dh wife