Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

Might she be under pressure from other family members? My extended family does a very nice line in vicious spats & long, implacable feuds so if you try to organise any large family event, about half your headspace is taken up with, "Doreen won't come if you invite Ruby" & "You can't invite any of Alan's lot, not after what his Dad did to your Great-Aunt Nellie" & so on. Even if you try to satisfy them all re invites, whoever does show up will spring some new shunning on you or spend the next several months picking at the scab of an unreciprocated round or a "funny look". It's exhausting, it's childish & I've realised they won't ever stop.

It’s wrong that she didn’t invite you but considering your description of the family I would count this as a blessing - I would rather stay at home.
If your DH wants to show respect to his sister (despite of her not inviting you!!!!) he should go to this wedding alone, stay for the ceremony and maybe a bit more and then come back home. No need to stay there for 3 days.
It’s not Glastonbury.

I'd let him take the toddler and baby assuming he's hands on enough to manage them both and you can have a fab time doing "older" stuff with the 11, 10 and 7yos that they can't do with babies around.
In his shoes I'd decline the invitation. Weddings are boring anyway, and "glamping" is my idea of hell.😱

It sounds like there are a shed load of problems there.

I would stay out of it

Probably best he does go alone

He can go alone. He doesn't have to be there all three days. His momentary discomfort I'd nothing compared to a life time of the kids feeling less than the others while your bio kids live the guilt. So hard no to taking one set of kids

Normally I’d say that the person getting married is being unfair but if in 15 years together you haven’t met her I don’t think she owes you an invite

OP isn’t invited either. Blood relatives only.

You can't bring children to be a buffer, really. Sounds shite being at a wedding where there are no adults you know, but with the added responsibility of being responsible for two bored children. And it's not their "job" to be an emotional crutch for an adult.

Agree too, that you can't invite some of the children but not the others, for all the obvious reasons.

Why do weddings seem to bring out the worst of people?

I thought the SIL said she and the blood relative children could come?

Oh I see, no. Bizarre. I think I'd leave it.

Well, now you know why his family is so fractured that in 15 years you’ve yet to meet his sister. Dysfunction with a capital D.

I cannot see why you’d want to go and honestly, I can kinda see why she didn’t invite you. You’ve never met despite being in each other’s family for 15 years. But your Dh has a choice. It sounds a hot mess and if I were him, there is no way I’d be going. I wouldn’t want to be around any of them frankly if this is the one he’s closest to and she treats all of you this way.

Hes more worried about being alone than about his sister dividing his family?

If he wants to go, he should go alone. Either his family is welcome or it isnt. And thats either a problem or it isnt

He should say to his sister he’s happy to see her on her special day but isn’t able to do the whole three day event because of family commitments. Compromise, people usually accept that, they think you’ve taken more trouble to take time out of a busy schedule.

We (I) have frequently attended an event but tell the hosts in advance that we are unable to participate in the whole day, so they don’t waste financially. I hate receptions, the speeches, and prolonged parties, so I never attend when I’m alone.
The last time we weren’t lying and the bride (husbands sister on her 2nd time around) and her adult children accepted that we had a to go (after a brief interlude from the speeches) to visit our son in hospital (although he was actually in a situation of no visits that day).

Honestly it sounds like maybe her childhood has left scars on her, which is a shame. Because in light of what you've said, it's really particularly odd behaviour. However, that's not for you to sort - all you can do is shield your own kids from her damaged and damaging behaviour.

If the initial invite was just for one person under these circumstances I think a polite decline is in order. I would not want to attend a wedding where I was not sure I was welcome and I would expect support from DH in also not going.

Different scenario if you are struggling for childcare and then only one person can go, but it is really rude to exclude in you this way. Your SIL clearly does not see you as family and certainly does not see your extended family as anything to do with her. I would just politely decline and maintain the distance. nothing good is coming from a close relationship with this person.

He should go alone. No child needs to be made to feel they have a lower standing in the family

I agree with you. The other children are with you through no fault of their own. They need to be included. The decisions you make now will affect them for life.
You sound like you are lovely and I think you stand your ground here.

Have I read that right, she won’t invite you, his wife, as you’re not family? She has a strange view on family, either invite all the kids or none. I can’t understand inviting someone and not their husband/wife!!!

Could he maybe go with a friend instead if he doesn't want to go alone, and then not for the whole 3 days.
I can understand that with such a quite frankly fucked up childhood and background his sister will have different ideas of what family is, and also have different boundary needs with relationships etc, so may not behave in a way most people would expect when it comes to wedding invites. However, that doesn't mean I think you should accept what she has done, hence my thinking of an alternative way to allow him to go to the wedding but not alone.

Sorry - it sounds like I meant it was someone's fault. I meant that they are already vulnerable because of circumstances

It sounds like your SIL jsut wants to have a wedding with people she knows and loves. You do not fit into either of those categories. I wouldn't take offense at it, you haven't said anything that you have done to try to build a relationship with her outside of your DH so it makes sense she doesn't really care that much about you.

Your DH has also not facilitated any relationship between you and his family either so it makes sense that your SIL doesn't really see you as a wedding guests, when I am sure she has lots of other people that she sees regulary.

As sad as your DH will feel, nothing about this situation is unreasonable. Wifes and Husbands are not automatically seen as a 241 situation any more. Your DH shoudl absoutely go to the ceremony and some of the after party stuff and give your SIL a hug and a present, but sack off the 3 days- thats ridiculous.

If I were him, I'd go to ceremony to see my sister get married and then I'd leave.

I wouldn't hang around for the 3 day glamping that you have to bring your own booze & food to 😳
PASS 🤣

Very bad form not to invite you in the first place, even more so since you have been together for so long.
To then just invite 2 of the kids...
I swear weddings make people insane.

Finally, the comment about you not being family! Get out of that now SIL.
It's generally standard to invite a guest's partner or give them a plus one.
Even more so if that person is your brother's partner of FIFTEEN YEARS.

The mind boggles.

This really. I think it will be horrible, awkward and painful (and will he really want to be in sole charge of a baby and toddler while navigating it all?)

I think you should gently point out to your DH that his sister is not considering him at all and giving him a token invite. She’s making life awkward for him and it’s not for financial restrictions which makes it so much worse.

Why should he make the effort when she’s being so disruptive? I’m sure there is more to the story and a past of dysfunctional dynamics but he doesn’t need to play anymore.

Did you not invite her to your wedding @Simplesbest ?

So when you had your children, she didnt pop round to see her niece or nephew? All so odd