Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

None of you have seen her in 15 years, despite living in the same city. You have explained the incredibly difficult childhood they all had, so there are obvious reasons for this. However, is she now saying she does want the kind of relationship where they meet up? Or after the wedding, will it go back to no meeting again?

If either of them want the kind of relationship where they meet in person, they should start building this up slowly- just the two of them to start with, a sudden invitation to see her AND a load of family that he presumably has no desire to see is a massive step. And I completely see why he’d want you there with him as support if he did decide to go. The kids will probably care less than you think- it’s not like this is their favourite Aunty- however I get your strong feelings around this, and I think that’s a fair line to draw.

It sounds very messy OP, I’m not sure there’s an easy answer- I’d focus on supporting what your DH wants to do as far as you can, but it does sound like the best option is for him to go alone for the shortest time he can to see the ceremony and congratulate the new couple, and then to head back home.

Your DH's family just sound unhinged.

A wedding is probably the worst event for a family reunion. If there are tensions that needs to be aired or dealt with, it needs to be done before the wedding.

Your DH doesn't need to go for 3 days. It's weird you have not been invited as his wife (why did you say partner in your OP). Personally I wouldn't want to be introducing my DC into his family until you know what they are like. From your posts it sounds there's a lot going on

It isn't the done thing on here but I would be telling him if he goes I would be rethinking our relationship 🤷‍♀️

The reasons for this would be as follows:

1. No invite for you as you are 'not family' despite 15 years together and several children. You are his family, more so than the blood related knob jockeys he is currently dealing with.

2. The complete disregard for the none biological children, especially as other nieces/nephews are attending. It is just cruel in my opinion.

3. The fact it is all just an elaborate way of getting him to interact with his addled, addicted parents and this doesn't seem to have occurred to him? How does he propose to avoid them for three days? Taking a toddler and a baby (addled parents grandchildren) is like sticking a big red cross on his back ffs! It would worry me that he is somewhat unable to see this.

If he goes he needs to put his big boy pants on and go alone (ideally just for the ceremony) so none of the children/you get sucked into the drama - sounds like there will be plenty of it with his family!

If she was in and out of foster care then maybe meeting your fostered children would trigger her. That’s why she just wants biological family. You’ve never met her so I don’t think you can’t take offence to this.

On a practical level wouldn't he just end up stuck on his own in the tent during the evenings with two very young children? This doesn't sound like much fun for him.

So rather than feeling empathy for OP's older foster children, her SIL, who was a foster child due to her abusive and drug addicted parents, bans her brother's foster children from her wedding and invites the parents who completely failed all their children and who are probably not safe people to be around any of their grandchildren, biological or fostered. I think that the wrong people are being punished here.

You live in the same city and facetime regularly
But you haven't met her
Why haven't you and the kids gone to meet her ..have you met the other siblings of your husband
Maybe if you had made the effort to meet his siblings you may of been invited
Why don't you make the effort now ?
Invite his siblings over for a meal , invite them over Christmas..they can meet your children and you meet theirs
It's a two way street getting to know people..you could of made the effort as much as she could .
I expect the wedding is not until the summer... plenty of time to get to know her before then ,maybe she will invite all the kids if she gets to know them...and if she still doesn't invite them ...
Plenty of people can be funny about weddings and not inviting step children.
I expect your older DC will get invited to their dad's side of the family , weddings and parties..you can't make everything equal in life ,when you have a step family situation ( or similar)

If I was him, I wouldn't go, if my family are not invited especially my spouse, then I'm going to politely decline and wish them well for their wedding, it's a hard NO from me.

He shouldn't go if you're all not invited. He needs to decline.

He goes on his own. I can see why he the only one invited. Why you not meet her in the 15 years

Awful for sil to not invite you, then to invite some kids but not others. Completely agree you should not allow any of them to go.

I also suspect sil is trying to get him to alone so he has to speak to parents. If I were dh I would go to the wedding ceremony and possibly the meal afterwards. Definitely not 3 days on my own with parents I dont speak to.

If he is (very understandably) completely avoiding his parents, he shouldn’t go. If he really wants to, dragging any of the kids into this dynamic is a bad idea, and he should go alone.

SIL wont meet DH face-to-face unless he has a relationship with addict parents.

SIL wouldn’t come to your wedding because DH’s grandparents were invited

SIL obviously wants to engineer DH meeting addict parents at her wedding without you there to support him

SIL can fuck off with her manipulation and demands

A remote campsite, unlimited bring your own (a huge mistake as some people will interpret this not as ‘a few ciders’ but ‘multiple litres of vodka’), a dysfunctional family, historical drug issues, generational trauma, divided siblings, fractured relationships, hurt, pain, resentment- what on earth could potentially go wrong?!

OP, trust me when I tell you I know, your DH should put tight, tight boundaries around his attendance, BUT behave in such a way that dsil can’t really complain about it. Arrive just on time to the ceremony, smile enthusiastically and clap, but buy a generous gift and write with your help if necessary a heartfelt card: ‘Dear Mary and Jim, what a wonderful day to see you guys get hitched, we all wish you a lifetime of happiness together etc’ then GET OUT OF THERE after the ceremony before the booze comes out and ancient feuds start fermenting.

Then when the bride is reflecting on it afterwards, she will say ‘shame Bob didn’t stay (and witness the police being called to a remote glamping site to fend off multigenerational murder after 500 rum&cokes in a field)’ and her DH will say, ah well, sure at least he came and look, he gave us an amazing present and wrote this lovely card’. The end.

He needs to be like smiling Teflon, tell him to imagine he’s Prince William at a particularly annoying engagement the day after Harry has issued more revelations. ‘Yes, LOVELY weather isn’t it, ah DOESN’T THIS look nice, yes delighted to meet you, WOOO what a MARVELLOUS OCCASION, CONGRATULATIONS okay bye now,’ then back in the car.

No words of wisdom to add, but just wanted to say that you sound fabulous! You have 5 kids, have your priorities right and are so level headed and calm about his damaged family.
I hope your dh can come through this unscathed and get on with life with his amazing, not so little family around him . . .
And I'm sorry to you lost your sister. ,

Yes, all of this…

I truly can't think of anything worse than the expense and hassle of having to wrangle a big family and keep them entertained and well behaved for three days at the wedding of someone I don't know. I would be grateful (after feeling a tiny bit miffed at first) at not being invited. It does make sense.

If DH wants to go, it's best he goes alone. Don't make him feel like he is letting you down if he does. Be supportive. If he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to - again, be supportive. But is there really no one who will be there who he;d like to see? Old school friends? A nice auntie? he could ask to be seated next to people he feels comfortable with.

And I'd make some low key nice plans for the family while he is gone - family film night with popcorn, a day out if it's fine.

A lot of assumptions from people that my DH hasn't bothered with her. That's not true at all. Up until about 7 years ago he tried a lot. Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both.

Interesting how people read it differently... i def got the vibe he made the effort.

I think he needs to go solo and either

1. Declines
2. goes solo to just for wedding and initial party
3. Goes solo for whole weekend

Option 2 is easiest / least drama filled with highest moral ground.
It means he's attended so sil cant be too fucked off but dodges being press ganged into "familyyyy" for 72hrs.
Sil has given him the PERFECT get out ( "oh i'd have loved to have stayed for the whole thing, but sil didnt want to invite all the children and i'm not the kind of father and husband who would leave the lovely @Simplesbest looking after all five of our children! solo for 3 whole days"

And you do sound very lovely! Its an incredible thing to do and a real shame his family can't show 1/100th of that generousity and kindness too.

Id be hurt too OP, but is this really more to do with supporting your DH make the right decision, than it is about why you and all the kids weren't invited...dont get me wrong, I 100% agree that you should have all received an invite if she was prepared to open up the invitation from just DH, to DH and the 2 bio kids but I think if she applies emotional blackmail to your DH to get him to her wedding, there is gonna be fall out either during the 3 days or subsequently with his own mental health.

He clearly has boundaries (doesn't wish to see/speak to his parents) and his DSis should be accepting of that and expect him not to be able to attend her wedding, despite how disappointing that might be for her.

Why do her feelings over wanting DH there, trump his feelings from not wanting to be near 2 people that caused so much upheaval in his childhood? Just because she accepts them, doesn't mean he has to. He's understandably nervous about attending because he has no idea if something is gonna kick off so personally I'd be telling him not to go...you'll be dealing with the aftermath if anything horrible happens...

Read all your posts OP - YANBU.
You're doing the right thing by your kids.

Ultimately it's up to your DH if he wants to walk into the lion's den alone... I would be curious about his willingness to meet with his parents on this occasion, when the rest of the time he refuses to. What's so different about this one day (or three days)?

I can get how he doesn't want to jeopardise his relationship with his sister when he doesn't have much to hang on to by way of original family relationships... even if she does sound very withholding and even manipulative.

You sound like you're striking the balance between being understanding of him whilst upholding the important boundary around the children. He sounds lucky to have you.

Agreed. She doesn't want OP there because you'd sensibly suggest he disengages and leaves when his parents ambush him. The kids are neither here nor there - she just wants him to come and invited the 2 the kids as a compromise.

It sounds like SiL is fully in FOG trying to engineer this reunion.

I think he should say to her that he will only come if you can come too for moral support. She must know it will be hard for him. I can see why he might not want to miss the opportunity to see family but having you by his side I would have thought is non negotiable

I also agree @Shelby2010 is on the money.

You should spell it out to him in case the penny hasnt dropped

I'd suggest perhaps he goes alone, just to the wedding ceremony

Sad family situation. Probably a lot of trauma there

It seems to me your sil has a dream of her family all being together in a way that has never happened since her (and DH’s) childhood and she thinks her wedding is a time for them all to come together for a big reunion putting the past behind them in love and joy. I highly doubt that will be the reality. Three days??? - the chances of something kicking off are somewhere between extremely likely to inevitable.
This is not a suitable event for a toddler and a baby.
DH should go if he wants to, preferably with escape car if he needs to but no way should he take the children.