Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

He should just go for the wedding. Not for the 3 days.

I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my toddler and baby with their dad to a family event if the extended family is so messy. No matter how capable dad is. Maybe its just me but I'd worry about their safety. Toddler and baby can be a handful at best of times, without toxic (drunk) relatives

Well she's never going to get to know you if she doesn't invite you to such things!

Her loss I would say. You sound like a lovely person for taking in your sister's kids and fostering another. Those kids are very lucky to have you.

Sorry this is causing you grief, but I think she’s done you a favour. Stay home and enjoy lovely activities with all five of your children, and your partner can attend on his own. I’d suggest he just attends the ceremony, sticking around long enough to give the happy couple his congratulations in person afterwards, and then returning home to you and his family.

It’s definitely a bad idea to take two very young children into this potentially heated or toxic situation. But you could play weddings with the children, dress up in bow ties and veils and tiaras, and make a cake, and send a framed photo of the dressed up children to your SIL as a gift so you’re joining in on terms which work for your family.

It’s a hard no from me. A volatile family with history of drink and drugs on a three day jamboree.?That’s no place for a toddler and a baby plus their Dad may well feel stressed and emotional.

I agree he should go alone, if at all!

If this was our family, DH would be choosing not to go because he would consider himself equally dad to all 5 children and would have no interest in either going alone or participating in favouritism to 2 of the 5 kids, nor having to cope with the emotionally complex event without the backup of the rest of the family.

100% this

I do not feel sorry for him. He is a wimp. I can understand not wanting 5 extra kids there, whether she knows them or not but to not invite you is VERY insulting He should decline no matter what the consequences to his relationship with sister. She isn't worried about their relationship when excluding you!!!

I would expect you to be included as his long term partner. I would not expect any of the kids to be invited (that’s a lot of extra). I didn’t invite any kids to my wedding - if I did that’s 30 friends I’d have to cut out for 30 kids I barely know. But she definitely should have invited you.

@Simplesbest This.

SiL has shown her stance on the invite, especially given the circumstances. Very odd.

Stick by your guns.

I think the best thing to do is say what is on our mind, whenever we are in stress about something. We can chose a good time to bring something problematic up.

It sounds like she is manipulative if she won’t see him face to face without his parents. I think she wants him there alone (without you) in the hope he might talk to his parents. I think as others have said - he should just go to the ceremony and tell his sister he would like you to all meet up another time so she can get to know you. If she declines then he should consider giving up on that relationship.

I can see your point about splitting the children up but in this scenario it seems like the least of the concern.

He refuses to meet his parents face to face, but...won't they be at the wedding? Point that out to him, and he probably won't want to go. Problem solved!

She’s being unreasonable not to invite you, but lavish or not, from her POV, you and your children and four extra plates - it’s not cheap.
youre being unreasonable to not allow the younger two to go though, you know your DH won’t go alone so you’re essentially ensuring that he doesn’t.

But there are no ‘plates’. It’s a camping site (‘glamping’) with instructions to bring one’s own booze and food for three days.

And why should a baby and a toddler be exposed to their substance-abusing grandparents in such a manner, without the protective presence of their mother and older siblings?

It sounds like Mike Leigh meets the zombie apocalypse. With garlands.

You are completely in the right OP, stand your ground with DH.

I don’t think any of you should go. Your DH is not going to enjoy himself on his own in the circumstances you have described.

You’d think he’d rather go on his own than bring a baby and toddler ! I can understand your hurt but honestly at this point the sister means nothing to you personally so don’t waste time worrying about it. I would also say the kids shouldn’t be divided up in the family/non family way ..he can go on his own, or not go and maybe try to arrange a full meet up after the wedding .

If he chooses the family that have already abandoned him over the family he has made with you and all of your kids then he is an idiot.

Its a camping weekend, with all the other children and spouses of the family, except her brother and his children.

The instructions are to bring your own food and booze for the 3 days.

Assuming the addicted “D”GPs, who also have MH problems, will also he taking their own booze and god knows what else, and they are the reason her DH grew up in the care system, I’m not sure why you’re advising the OP to send her two youngest along.

Also this!

just be there for your dh, that is all you can do, be his sounding board

In case people have missed this point:

SIL chose not to attend OP & DH’s wedding because their grandparents would be there. DH should feel under no obligation to go to any part of her wedding when the addict parents that he is no contact with will be there.