Boring wedding invite drama

[Simplesbest]

Trying to keep this short and factual.

Been with my partner 15 years. 5 kids. Two eldest are not ours by birth. My Sister passed away 10 years ago and her kids came to us. Also have one (long term been here 6 years) foster child and 2 bio kids all under 7years.

SIL is getting married. I've never met her. DHs family is very fractured. He has seen her once in last 15 years but they talk /text weekly and I always say hi to her on video calls. She seems fine towards me, very friendly.

Get her wedding invite in the post this week. It's just DHs name. He said I was wrong and we're obviously all invited. He double checks with her and she said no Its just him. No space issues this is a 3 day wedding very big lavish affair. She said we aren't invited because she doesn't know us.

DH then asked her if she would consider inviting us as well because he doesn't want to go alone. He doesn't talk to anyone else in his family and is understandably a bit anxious seeing them all after so long.

She has replied that he can bring our youngest two bio kids but not the older three as they "aren't related to her".

I've actually said nothing to DH because I can see he's hurt. He is still going to go.

I've said to keep things fair none of the kids can go because I can't and won't explain this to them all. So that's my AIBU really. Dh wants to take them because he's worried about being on his own and also his family has never met them and it could be a good time.

Sometimes things just really kick you in the teeth when you aren't expecting it and this is one of those times. It's really got me down. I don't want to slate his sister to him because she's the last person in his family he talks to. But I'm really hurt.

Knock it back with -the "bio" children aren't coming as they don't know her and will be at home with their family.

It’s not shit stirring drama. What healthy family dynamic excludes kids of said sibling and wife?

It may be the normal in your family but having attended plenty of weddings in my time - it is not normal or healthy to not include relatives. It’s literally the brides nieces and nephews and sister in law she’s excluding.

I dont see why the kids have to go at all. But I do think it’s a bit mean not inviting you and your dh as a couple as you have been together a long time.

All of this does sound incredibly manipulative. Saying you’re not damily when you’ve been married to her brother for years is truly awful.

All of this is her springing his “D”Ps on your DH without the Supoort that you woukd naturally provide.

As has been said upthread. She can and should fuck right off.

I don’t think it’s necessarily manipulative - I do think she has grown up with an unusual idea of what family is, which is not surprising

If his siblings all still see their parents, then the parents are highly likely to be at the wedding. But you said your DP is still estranged from his parents, so how’s that going to work out? Is he ready and willing to reconnect or would he keep his distance from them at the event (and maybe experience pressure from other family members to speak to them, bury the hatchet, don’t spoil the day, etc)?

I have a different perspective. I'm not a 'unit' with my husband. We are two individuals who have chosen to share a life. We are not joined at the hip.

I was at a wedding only last Saturday, of an acquaintance of mine. Why would she invite my husband? She doesn't know him, and my child - who has played with her kids - is at the age where he would have been bored senseless. I specifically told her not to waste any +1s on me - weddings are expensive, and I'm a big girl and perfectly happy to attend unaccompanied. I got on famously with her family and friends and had a lovely time.

As for the 'family' issue, as far as I'm concerned DH's family are acquaintances also. I barely know them - there are good historical reasons for this. I'd just have happily have skipped their weddings if it wouldn't so obviously have caused gratuitous offence (they are that type) and when DH and I married we did a flit abroad, inviting only 2 people and their children (none of whom were family on either side).

I wouldn't give DH a hard time if he wants to attend alone, OP, even if this is only out of a sense of obligation. There is, unfortunately, no law to say that our in-laws have to accept us as family. If they do that's lovely and a great bonus - it's one I can't help wishing I'd had, particularly as I lost my parents at a comparitively young age. But to coin an infuritating but in this case accurate phrase, 'it is what it is'.

You know how your SiL sees you, and can now conduct your future relationship on this basis. It actually doesn't sound much of a relationship to start with. I do understand how this must sting, especially in view of the death of your own dear sister - life doesn't seem fair in this respect, does it? Condolences on your awful loss.

She hasn't divided his family. She does not have, nor should she be handed the power, to do that.

She is isolating him from his herd (you and all the children, esp.
the older ones who have voices). Her purpose is to force/coerce him into meeting with his parents etc. whilst he is without his support system. This won't turn out well for him. There are addiction issues and there will be alcohol and drugs of choice available for three days. Emotionally fragile people and alcohol don't mix. It could turn into a battle. Maybe just attending the ceremony is an option, then he gets to welcome her new husband into his family and remind her that you all are his family. Don't bring any children, they don't need to witness the disfunction/possible emotional turmoil.

Well if this were me, I’d be hurt too, and if I were your H, I’d not go. You ARE family. You’re HIS family and as for the BS of “I don’t know you” how the fuck will she ever get to know you if she excludes you and your kids?

if I were your H, I’d send my best wishes and a gift and decline the invitation altogether

not like it sounds like losing any one of his family members would be any kind of loss.

I think he needs to SHOW his ridiculous sis what family actually looks like, by saying it’s all or nothing.

She’s acting as a flying monkey for the rest of the rotten family, getting him isolated and exposed to the poisonous dynamics

nah…. Hard pass this, he’ll absolutely regret going, either way this wedding is going to be the last straw. He’ll end up hurt/damaged by his family, and it’ll break the relationship he has with his sister anyway.

A lot of assumptions from people that my DH hasn't bothered with her. That's not true at all. Up until about 7 years ago he tried a lot. Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both.

Yes, well people will assume things if you don't give them the information yourself. Withholding information that is pretty crucial to the dynamic and dripping it in 5 pages later is pretty unhelpful if you want people to be able to offer their opinions and advice.

With that information, I've now changed my opinion and think it's pretty clear he should just decline altogether. He doesn't want to be face to face with other family members and they will be there, so why would he even consider going, let alone exposing two of his small children to this ?

I agree that her upbringing might be have some influence on how she sees family members but I think she’s probably old enough to realise, however she was brought up, that inviting her DB and not his wife and only 2 of his DC is a total dick move.

but this is also the wife and kids that her DB hasn't bothered to properly introduce her to, despite living in the same city. he's hardly demonstrated he considers them a unit has he?

If she’s never met you, I can understand her not inviting you. But inviting just some of the kids isn’t right. Let DH go alone.

Weddings are boring anyway . 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t expect any of the children to be invited, but to not include you is very odd.

This sort of post always gets me going! 😠
Forgive me for making assumptions and of course I know nothing about this woman apart from what the OP has told us, but from that info his 'sister' comes across as more than a little narcissistic and totally unsympathetic to the feelings of others... 😥
She says: 'we aren't invited because she doesn't KNOW us.'! 🙄The first thing that came to mind when I read that was to wonder how many other people will be attending, either friends or family who will have been invited to bring a 'plus one' and if so how many of those will she actually 'know'?! 🤔
Whilst I appreciate that from DH's point of view he feels that he wants and needs to go as obviously he feels it keenly that his sister is the 'the last person in his family he talks to' but seriously is that even the recipe for an enjoyable day for him and if he thinks about it honestly would he have a good time knowing that his family, which by default is his sister's also biological or not, had been casually and IMO wrongly excluded? 🙁

I would suggest that DH goes to the Wedding service and leave it at that. He isn't comfortable going alone but to take 2 under 7's sounds ridiculous. Where would he stay for 3 days? Presumably at own cost. As a Mum, I would want to be there for the children as it could be quite an overwhelming for them to be meeting dozens of people. This sounds quite a pretentious wedding. The sort of thing Hooray Henry would organise and as such would probably not be the right place for young children. I'm not sure I would want to go were I invited, with or without children.
I hope your DH makes a sensible decision.

I do get he wants to go. If she’s the only family he has outside of you. I personally would let him take the bio kids & I would do something with the other 3. You’re not close to her, she’s unlikely to have any other power over you & in truth she wasn’t bothered about meeting her niece/nephews & only when pushed did they get invited. The truth is your bio kids will come home & probably tell everyone how boring & awkward it all was anyway. Kids don’t tend to enjoy weddings g

"DH grew up in foster care and all him and his siblings were separated. They see his mum and dad but he doesn't. So he keeps them at arms length to avoid dramas and has never wanted them knowing our address etc in case his parents find out. They have addiction and mental health issues still."

"His sister is saying she really wants him there but I don't think she wants him there that much if she won't also invite all his kids or wife."

"Twice however when they turned up to meet she had brought his mum along. After that she said she doesn't want a face to face relationship if he won't involve their parents. But they get on fine on the phone and it suits them both."

"I also agree it isn't the place for a reunion. But that's his sisters plans. I'm also starting to wonder if she specifically wants DH on his own as he'd be more susceptible to pressure to engage with his parents."

I think it's clear that your husband's sister prioritises her relationship with their parents over her relationship with him. Surely their parents will be at this wedding? How would he avoid engaging with them? His sister / the bride is going to press that engagement, and it's all going to get very uncomfortable for your husband very quickly.

Even without the complications of her being rude as fuck about inviting you and the children, I think he'd be far better off declining the invitation.

Hopefully he’ll reply no thank you.

Never mind.

Well, isn't SHE just lovely.

I’ve only read your posts op but I wanted to say that u are being an amazing mum to these kids, whether they are biologically yours or not! That side of the family have a lot of baggage and sound screwed up a bit, which means it’s hard to understand how they think?
Try not to be hurt over it all as people have their own narrative! Honestly u and your kids not being there is their loss!

your husband should go briefly to just the service and then leave. Making it clear that you and your family come first in his life. He should absolutely go alone so the kids don’t get hurt.

read the let them theory by Mel Robbins and it will help u leg go of others actions!

Personally he should tell her to shove her invite where the sun doesn’t shine; this is HIS family they are HIS children therefore they are HER nieces & nephews & should be invited you are her sil but from now on when she phones ignore her don’t speak either that or just go oh it’s her I don’t speak to people I don’t know & leave the room but if she’s anything to go on I’m not surprised he’s not on talking terms with the rest of the family.