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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

162 replies

Dahl46 · 19/11/2025 08:38

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 19/11/2025 14:58

Donotgogentle · 19/11/2025 08:42

Personally I don’t really care about anniversaries so that wouldn’t bother me but his general tightness is grim. Paying half the petrol money for a day out??

I’m not sure you’re ever going to get what you need from this relationship.

I agree with this- I am not keen on OTT people either - however the general tightness- nope !!

HairOil · 19/11/2025 15:02

Clementine183 · 19/11/2025 14:56

Yes, I agree this specific set-up comes across a bit weird, but there are also quite a few posts saying that anniversaries in general are odd and only 16 year-olds celebrate them, which is demonstrably untrue, so just wanted to strike a bit of balance!

That’s the Mn’ ‘no birthday celebrations once you leave primary school’ approach, though. It seems to be a subsection of ‘attention-seeking is the worst thing you can do’. Whereas though I’m vague about when our anniversary is, I love birthdays, and I like attention, too.

RuncibleSpoons · 19/11/2025 15:08

theleafandnotthetree · 19/11/2025 08:47

He sounds dull and tight and you sound a bit intense and hard work OP and like you have a lot going on. I don't think this has legs at all.

Exactly this.

Also a bit old to be fussing about insignificant anniversaries.

TidyCyan · 19/11/2025 15:10

You shouldn't have to calculate mileage expenses to go on a hike with your partner.

elviswhorley · 19/11/2025 16:43

In her only update where she says

"Thank you so much: to be clear, he always says how much I am the love of his life and he wants to live together etc so it's not like he's cold at all or not intense."

So he wants to live together and she's not said no and finds this a positive in how he is.

Boomer55 · 19/11/2025 16:46

First anniversary of dating is a nothing thing. Not sure what you were expecting. 🤷‍♀️

FoxLoxInSox · 19/11/2025 21:34

nomas · 19/11/2025 11:51

Why is women communicating their needs ick to you?

I see the gift recipient (of any sex) protesting to the gift-giver about not having a “full bag” of presents as deeply rude, greedy and ill-mannered. See also: Verucca Salt.

Yet somehow you’ve made this into something about “a woman communicating her needs”. 🤦🏼‍♀️

nomas · 19/11/2025 21:50

FoxLoxInSox · 19/11/2025 21:34

I see the gift recipient (of any sex) protesting to the gift-giver about not having a “full bag” of presents as deeply rude, greedy and ill-mannered. See also: Verucca Salt.

Yet somehow you’ve made this into something about “a woman communicating her needs”. 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s a request for a book and chocolate, not a bag full of Fabergé eggs Hmm

BIossomtoes · 19/11/2025 21:58

Isn’t the entire point of a present that it’s a surprise? Who in the world finds a gift lacking and demands more? I was brought up with more manners than that.

FoxLoxInSox · 19/11/2025 22:43

BIossomtoes · 19/11/2025 21:58

Isn’t the entire point of a present that it’s a surprise? Who in the world finds a gift lacking and demands more? I was brought up with more manners than that.

This

FoxLoxInSox · 19/11/2025 22:44

nomas · 19/11/2025 21:50

It’s a request for a book and chocolate, not a bag full of Fabergé eggs Hmm

So are you saying you tell gift-givers that you’re disappointed that they’ve not “filled the bag” ? If so, you were brought up with very poor manners.

DraigCymraeg · 01/01/2026 17:53

HardworkSendHelp · 19/11/2025 08:47

I think people are missing the point! It’s not just the anniversary it’s everything! I wouldn’t be getting worked up about a one year dating anniversary but the pay half for petrol, never treating you would also give me the absolute ick.

We don't know his circumstances do we? And be fair the OP does sound like heavy going.
My main concern though - if I were him - is her child. Behaving so badly the police are called? Blimey. That is a big red flag.
OP needs to get her priorities right.

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