First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

[Dahl46]

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

You just don't sound compatible.
What is important to you is, obviously, not important to him.
It does sound like he is happy dating at the moment and you want/ need the support of a fully committed relationship.
Neither of you are wrong, just different.

I didnt say he was either of those things!

One person's smart with miney is another person's stingy. One person's boring is another person's reliable.

Have you spent any time since you left the abusive relationship really thinking about who you are, what you want from a romantic partner and what you are prepared to offer?

When you said you felt you wanted to change plans to meet him elsewhere, give him the gift and leave - what were you hoping would happen then?

He sounds stingy and unsupportive, and the things that matter to you don’t matter to him (or maybe you don’t matter that much to him).

As time goes on, this is going to bother you more and more. It doesn’t sound like this is going to work out well.

In my experience, you never really come to terms with this sort of unmet expectation in a relationship and things tend to limp on (unhappily)!

I think you have to tell him what you expect. It's our anniversary where are you taking me or I hope you got something nice for our anniversary. If it's important to you, but not the sort of thing he thinks about tell him. Same with wanting half the petrol, it would make me feel like an acquaintance he was giving a lift to, tell him it's not appropriate, but if you are both broke offer to pay for trips alternate times or something. Either he's really tight, or a bit clueless and needs a bit of help.

“Just fill the bag” is so gross to me.

With you 100%

Wow I disagree with these posts

you find him boring, you have the ick, he is winding up up with cringeworthy tightness - there is ongoing lack of support

THAT is why you focused on the year anniversary - you want him to prove there is something more there.

Listen to your instinct and end it.

She is saying 'just fill the bag' because she feels this man does the bare minimum.

I get the anniversary thing. I met my partner when I was 32 and we area few years in now, aren’t married yet but have a baby. And every year we celebrate the anniversary of our first proper date (we met at work so had spent a bit of time together before our first date). We love each other and spoil each other all year round, but I still think is nice to acknowledge the start of our relationship, and every year go out for a dinner on the day, and we have fallen into a pattern of taking it in turns to organise the meals/activities. So as a fellow non teenage anniversary celebrator, i get where you’re coming from.

However I do wonder if this relationship has bigger problems. Seems you different values and expectations. Maybe this is a good time to reevaluate and question if this man is really who you want?

I’d welcome splitting the petrol and meals out etc. It’s so quick and easy to do and requires no thought. I’d see being able to do that as a green flag. It doesn’t mean either party needs to be tight. I’d not like over the top gift giving. I like things like that to be kept simple.

Neither of you are right or wrong you just have a different style.

Jesus what a song and dance about nothing.

One year of dating at 16: get a gift
One year of dating at 46: who even knows that date?

You are way over thinking.

You’re just not compatible. You need and want big gestures, he just wants half of the petrol money. This is never going to work.

I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag'

😳

No, she said she was unhappy with the gift, he promised to be better, she gave him tips, book, chocolate. Greedy and grabby.
I'd have took the earrings back.

To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens.

Hang on a minute. You have all this going on with your child but all you're focused on is what your new boyfriend is buying / spending on you???

This is who he is. You’re not going to be able to change him. You need to be honest with yourself if you can cope with him as he is.

Grand gestures aren’t all they are cracked up to be. It’s how he treats you day to day that’s important.

He sounds like a good egg if a little bit tight (paying for half the petrol WTF?!). You need to decide if it’s enough for you.

He sounds a bit tight and not into marking milestones. He is vey unlikely to get better at either of these things, and probably it will get worse as he gets older. If it bothers you this much, it sounds like you are not really compatible.

Sorry you're having trouble with teen DD. Hope it gets better soon.

Petrol is bloody expensive. If someone else was doing all the driving, I’d expect to chip in.

And if I was doing all the driving and the other person didn’t offer, I’d start saying something about it.

I couldn’t make sense of this bit tbh. I don’t know why the guy is bothering being involved with a woman with so much drama going on in her life who’s only berating and criticising him anyway.

OP I think you’re trying to force him to be something in order to falsely create the kind of relationship you want and need right now when your life isn’t going well. But you can’t force him to be what he isn’t and he shouldn’t have to put up with you bitching and moaning at him over everything he does.

Just end it and focus on yourself and your family.

Yes, that's not right.

She’s grabby, controlling, and dictating. It’s gross.

Sorry op i think you need to take a big step back and reflect on your whole situation and how you’re reacting to things.

I do agree with a PP that it’s quite alarming you’re focussed on not getting a gift instead of what is going on with your DD.

I wouldn’t expect your bf of a year to call you and some people are just more into texting. And also, maybe see the issues with your DD from the other side of the relationship, it might be a bit intense for someone who has only been dating you a year.

You do also sound like i did in my early 20s when i was very inexperienced with realtionships and i think you need to work on your self esteem.

Why are you even bothering? He's tight and can be "boring" and you sound pissed off with the relationship.

At this stage a relationship should be fun and make you feel happy.

You want him to be something other than what he is. Unless you enjoy taking on a (human) project, I would tell him you don't see a future and wish him well.

The problem you have is you find him boring. At 46 you should be looking for someone who lights up your world with interesting comversation and sparking of minds.