First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

[Dahl46]

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

A framed picture of my boyfriend and I, is what I gave my first serious boyfriend at 19!! You are grown, mature adults, not teenagers in the throws of first love. I agree with others, you are pushing your idea of 'romance' onto your boyfriend. Is a framed picture something he'd actually want?? I met my now husband at 31, and for our first anniversary of dating, we went out for a meal and he bought me flowers. You want your boyfriend to perform all these grand gestures of 'love', but it's as clear as day, that he's not going to do this. It's not him, he's completely oblivious of the fact you want these gestures. I suspect he'd find it completely overwhelming and have no clue even where to start! You either need to accept that this is who he is and understand that your way isn't his or you need to end the relationship and find someone, who aligns more with you. The tightfistedness is a completely separate issue, you need a conversation about the lack of thought regarding birthdays and splitting absolutely everything. If you were a man, I'd find it all far too intense and it would make me feel claustrophobic.

'To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did).'

Why? What's going on with her?

I think I would leave the relationship and focus on my children in this scenario.

He wants to live together to save on bills because he sees how generous you are.

Do the bare minimum for him. Match his effort, spend a tenner on his birthday present. The more you do for him the more he expects.

If you have the ick, dump him now.

He isn’t for you.

What grand gestures has OP asked for?

This twat is so tight he limited them to one course at dinner.

OP has asked for a few bits like a book and chocolate, hardly grand gestures.

I don’t think you’re very well suited. You sound a bit dramatic and over the top, and he sounds like a dull tight arse. Judge people off their actions not their words. Is he all talk?

Match his energy.

Keep your gift til he offers something. Start to focus your energy on your self and your own family.

if that level of engagement doesn’t work for you, so be it.

You are being ageist.

OP I wouldn't expect a big fuss about anniversaries, and I do think you two are quite mismatched on that front, but the 50% petrol thing (and "letting you off" as a birthday treat) are a total turn off.

I despise meanness. It's a trait I couldn't put up with in a partner. On a recent wedding anniversary DH sent flowers, had a ring remade partly from one of his late DM's, which was sentimental to him and bought me a watch that was several thousand pounds. Even our adult DC took us out for a meal and presented us with a UK holiday (so I could take the dogs). That's not some weird brag, it was a significant anniversary. I'd have been upset if any of them had ignored something so special to me.
DH would never have remembered a dating anniversary. I get different love languages, but your expectations seem more alligned with a teen dating. I wouldn't care about this and I go OTT for most events. It's the other meanness that would have me running.

Surely at the age of 46 you dont need to be going on like this?

I get the being tight thing is annoying, but maybe he has had people take the piss out of him in the past and he has set a boundary.

I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings.

I got the instant ick (about you) when I read this sentence.

You two seems to have different values and expectations

I couldn't be with anyone this tight with money.

He does sound stingy and I would find this off putting. Who takes someone out on a birthday trip but asks them to "pay half the petrol?" unless your driving to Australia?

People often have different ideas about when their relationship started. I would tell him that you see this day as you're anniversary together and would like to celebrate it. You'd like him to take the lead with celebrating 50 per cent of the time. See what happens.

You know my husband isn't a romantic (I couldn't imagine him planning an anniversary trip ever, at least he hasn't in the 15 years we've been together) but he's very thoughtful and caring in other ways so I don't mind because I just understand that he's not that way. He's not stingy at all though, he's quite the opposite.

If my teen DAUGHTER had been so distressed LAST NIGHT that the POLICE were called, and if my teens in general were having a very problematic time of late, the very LAST thing I’d be asking MN about the following morning is whether my new boyfriend should’ve stretched to a dessert course on my birthday earlier in the year.

😵‍💫 😵‍💫 😵‍💫

Why is women communicating their needs ick to you?

Really? we still celebrate it 20 years later 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s an excuse to go out for a nice meal.

Been married almost 19 years and we are low key with it, always have been. We each don't make big fusses over it as family life keeps us busy.

Neither of us can put a finger on when we started dating and never have done. We used to celebrate our anniversary but money is, and has been, tight in the past.
You have different values and I suggest you have a look at the “Cheap” thread to give yourself a chuckle!

This anniversary thing seems either the straw that broke the camel's back or it has finally opened your eyes. With everything you have written hear, I'd say that he is a user. You're never going to get more from him, but he will always be very happy to accept the fuss you make over his birthday, while in return he'll put every penny spent between the two of you on a scale.

Sounds tedious to me.

You just sound incompatible.

I wouldn’t have a problem with his approach to birthdays and anniversaries but it clearly doesn’t work for you so best to end things now and find someone who’s a better match.

You have entirely different love languages.
His might be very small things, like making dinner, or cups of tea. Yours is more about bigger shows, gifts and meals.
Either you accept he is not like this and probably never will be, or move on.
If you want a gift giver and fancy meal surprises, being whisked off for a weekend away, it sounds like you are with the wrong man.nothing wrong with either approach but either you are happy with tbe staus quo or if you want something different in the long term he is unlikely to change himself to be a person he is not.

This.

You don't sound compatible at all OP and if your DD is screaming at the neighbours you have a bigger problem than if your BF of a year doesn't make enough effort over an anniversary.