First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

[Dahl46]

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

Why? She made an effort on his b'day which he lapped up, is she not allowed to voice her disappointment when it was hers? Communication is key, no?

Actions speak louder than words. You don’t say anything here which makes me think you are both on the same page. Perhaps have a long think about compatibility and life stages and see what your gut tells you.

Agree, got instant Dudley Dursley vibes, a look in the bag at the gift met with “what?! Is that it?! More! I demand more presents!!”

That’s how I see this too. OP is plastering frills and bows onto a perfectly decent sounding-man who isn’t speaking the same language at all, and straining to turn the thing into a great flowery romance.
I’d say she’s stuck at a fairly juvenile stage of development where these things are concerned, what with this ‘anniversary of meeting’ business, and it’s going to set her up for agonising frustration and even heartbreak if she continues trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
Others have said she has greater problems needing her attention, and I’d say that right. Quite understandable that escape into a perfect romance would appeal, but this is not helping her at all.

Wow I can’t even remember the date we first met. It was 27 years ago so I suppose there’s an excuse. You’d be too much for me, OP.

I agree. OP, you are being quite rigid in your attitude. he must do what you do in order for you to feel appreciated. A friend of mine is always buying me tiny rubbish presents. Things I don't like that will gather dust. I absolutely hate it. I don't want to waste money on similar tat for her. Maybe he feels the same. Stop spending loads of money on him if he doesn't appreciate it. DH and I were engaged after 6 months and have been married for thirty years but neither of us celebrates the anniversary of the day we met.

@Dahl46 " My children always come before by boyfriend"

Nah. You introduced them to this fella at 7 months in.
That was way too soon.

However you're being needy over some anniversary that means something to you but no one else.

You should think about your behaviour - you love bombed him and then get upset when he doesn't react how you want.

Haven't read the full thread. He sounds tight fisted and that would make me run for the hills I'm afraid.

You are not compatible.

As multiple other posters have pointed out, you are simply not compatible and instead of wasting time and energy on this, end things focus on yourself and then find someone else.

FWIW gifts are not an indicator of feelings, neither are words.
And no relationship should be making you feel sick.

This is not healthy for you and I don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship just yet.
Find some friendship groups instead.

He’s not your person OP. I think after everything you must have been through with your Ex, you deserve someone who is more aligned to you and shares the same values and desires. There is nothing wrong with wanting a fuss of your birthday or anniversary, don’t let anyone tell you differently.
I generally think that once a person has got the ick there’s no going back. It’s tight of him to ask for half petrol money every time and not buy dinners out etc, not my vibe at all. It’s nice to be treated and to feel special, it doesn’t even have to be expensive!
He also seems to lack something when it comes to really understanding you and your needs, eg with the response he gave regarding your daughter. I’d have a proper think about whether I’d want to carry on this relationship.

he can say what he likes but his actions are what show his actual feelings and the actual effort he is willing to put into impressing you, which is none.

He lets you tag along for things he's already doing and pay. This is a lower standard than I have with my best friends and they don't get access to my body.

Why would you live with him? Does he keep his place clean or is that low effort too?

Sounds a bit like he's reaching older age (which hits men a lot harder) and wants to make sure he's cohabiting with a woman who will be his skivvy for no effort on his part.

But his actual feelings are totally irrelevant, however he expresses them, because the OP doesn’t share them. She thinks, perfectly understandably, that he’s dull and stingy. He may think she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, but the OP doesn’t feel the same about him.

He sounds a bit dull, safe and stingy. I see what others mean about not having to celebrate a dating anniversary but you want to and he should be able to read the room enough to do something for the woman he supposedly loves. I'd be asking what he brings to your life and whether he really is the man for you.

Especially if you share custody. For me, given my child is away a lot of the time, that would be when (if I ever wanted to so degrade myself) I would fornicate and socialise with men.

I've already lost time with my child so I'd not then make them share time with me with a man when there's ample time for me to self-harm when they're not there.

This 100pc

She is because she's willing to live with him in his old age for zero effort.

Where does she suggest she is?

I find it a bit odd the number of people who are saying that anniversaries "aren't a thing". Obviously if you get married, most people move to celebrating their wedding anniversary rather than the day they got together, but if you aren't married, it's the only anniversary you have. Not everyone celebrates it, but it's hardly weird or unusual to do so. The issue is the level of effort or investment, which is always going to vary from couple to couple - some will be happy with a quick "happy anniversary" and maybe a card, whilst others will go all out.

Unfortunately it sounds like you're a mismatch in this regard and maybe you've gone a bit over the top (I speak as someone who has a tendency to do this too, but luckily my partner is the same - we even had a special dinner for our 2.5 year anniversary earlier this week which I'm sure will horrify many as we are in our 40s ;) but hey if it works for you then why not...). He doesn't sound hugely tight to me, just quite practical and not someone who is flamboyant with these sorts of gestures. If he shows he loves you in other ways then I'd just deal with it, but it sounds like you're feeling insecure in general and maybe not entirely convinced about him, which is a bigger issue.

These threads always seem to attract really nasty responses where people completely dismiss and invalidate the OP.

He sounds like he's being very careful with money and doesn't like to spend much on gifts or celebrations. Which is fine - if you're the same. But you're not, and that's ok. But it does suggest an incompatibility with your partner. You might be better off finding someone who enjoys spoiling you and indulging in celebrations?

I wouldn't date someone like him either, OP.

Me too. This is the sort of behaviour I would expect from an adult Disney fan. IYKWIM

Those are not needs. They may be requirements, but for no very serious lack.

Oh Lordy 🤮!

It’s specifically deeply weird in the OP’s case because everything she says about the relationship suggests that it’s not making her happy, she finds him stingy and conversationally dull (on their first date he let the OP pay for the coffees, so it’s not that his tightness is a recent revelation, and the mismatch of expectations about birthday presents has come up already), and it’s just not working. BUT she is nonetheless making a huge deal of marking the first anniversary of a relationship that she’s not enjoying.

It’s the ‘dull, mildly bad relationship I’m complaining about on the internet’ thing versus the ‘I have made a beautiful framed photo present to present to him at work and I’m SICK he’s not reciprocating for our FIRST ANNIVERSARY’ thing that’s striking everyone as weird.

Having said that, I adore DH, but have only the vaguest idea when our wedding anniversary is.

Op i've only read the 1st page of comments & i utterly disagree with pretty much every one of them

Life is v short & i am a huge believer in finding joy & celebrating whatever you can, whenever you can. Its the small moments that add up to the whole

I am not interested in a relationship with someone who doesn't see the value in that & who doesn't feel like our reationship is the core of his life & to be minded & cherished.

I am married 22 years & we're together 25 this year.

We could both tell you the day we met, the day we got engaged etc. We privately mark them all together

We adore spoiling each other whether that's as simple as him bringing me coffee in bed or me buying his fav beer or diamonds & hotels - its all good

You are NOT too old at 46 to want to find someone who will want the same things in a relationship as you

He's not the right person

Yes, I agree this specific set-up comes across a bit weird, but there are also quite a few posts saying that anniversaries in general are odd and only 16 year-olds celebrate them, which is demonstrably untrue, so just wanted to strike a bit of balance!