First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

[Dahl46]

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

But bluntly, so what? You find him conversationally dull, thoughtless and incredibly tight. Who cares if he's desperately in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you? And more importantly, why are you making special anniversary framed photos when you're in a relationship that, a year in, is crap and that you should be ending?

You’re just not on the same page as each other. He’s tight and thoughtless and you sound a bit full on.
I agree with others, I’d concentrate on what’s going wrong with your teenagers.
Oh and did you say happy anniversary to him this morning?

This. Paying half the petrol? Even my teenage son doesn’t do this with his girlfriend. Where’s his pride for goodness sake. Sounds to me like you’re so desperate to be in a relationship even though you know this one’s not for you. Aim higher.

No, she isn't. She's disturbingly unattuned to what a good relationship looks like, five years out of an abusive marriage, has poor self-esteem, problem teenagers, and a freakish amount of disconnect between the actual relationship she's in and the amount of emphasis she puts on celebrating it (probably because it is so crap).

If she were 'grabby', she wouldn't have spent a year with someone who is incredibly tight, obsessed with splitting petrol costs, and was slow to pay for a coffee on their first date.

I agree with most of the other posters on your thread.

You are not meant for each other.

Money is the one thing that breaks relationships/friendships. At some point being 'careful' turns into mean and tightfisted.

I understand you can feel hurt about the one year dating anniversary, but clearly your boyfriend doesn't see it as an important date.

You can't change someone else.

I'd move on.

The anniversary thing is a bit daft, you're not teenagers. When did that even become a thing?

Everything else makes it sound like you are just not compatible. He sounds a bit tight and boring, you sound too full on, and sorry - a bit desperate.

I think you are simply calibrated differently!

To me this reads: He’s wanting to keep everything fair and even and he’s mindful of his poor financial position following his own divorce.

You prefer bigger, more generous gestures to demonstrate that you care and anything else feels stingy and starts to put you off.

sadly I think Yabu to expect him to reciprocate and you need to reduce your expectations or throw this fish back in the pond and start anew.

are you close enough to observe if he caring in other ways - will bring you a cup of tea unprompted when you’re unwell, or notice that your door handle wobbles and just fix it without even mentioning? generous as a lover or selfish?

I empathise with you and don't think you are too much, just different expectations and maybe different levels of past relationship experience. I would be interested to know if he has been married and has children. This might explain why the start of the conversation was around him and his sleeping as some people who are childless can be a bit selfish (not necessarily in a horrible way) and only had themselves to worry about. The zoning out thing when he speaks also reminds me of my ex who was a lovely person but didn't have a lot of depth and spoke a lot about mundane things and a lot about other people. The money thing is also a trigger for me .. my ex was tone deaf when it came to talking about finances and wanting to share his thoughts about investments etc. but not mindful of my very different financial situation. Another ick for me is being tight - I don't like talking about money and get that splitting 50/50 is important to me BUT seriously, mentioning it all the time sets the path for things to come and sometimes its nice to get treated and not even mention the money. He sounds a nice man but sometimes those icks can develop into larger problems.

We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah)

Huh? Why would he make "extras" for dinner?

he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary.

What?! What is there to say?!?!

I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'.

Oh god.

I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too.

You're not "leading by example". You are doing what you want to do and he is doing what he wants to do.

I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort.

Nice.

He sounds stingy, which is massively unappealing. You sound really intense (sorry) and over the top with stuff.

On top of that he's a bit boring and doesn't know how and when to comfort people who need it. I wouldn't be bothering any more, to be honest.

Tightness is so repulsive, I don't know how anyone can overlook it. I do offer petrol money and paying for the coffees when I go out with friends because I don't drive, so they're always the ones driving and I need to compensate them for that. They don't ask for me to go halves with petrol ever, so I have to redress the balance in some way. Your guy sounds frickin awful and I'd be chucking him back.

And his saying you're the light of his life. Well, I could say that. Talk is cheap, isn't it. And actions speak louder than words. He doesn't behave as though you're the light of his life (really, after a year?!), does he?

Best summary.

Turning up at his work as well to really put on a show.

Honestly this. Your kids sound very problematic too, maybe he wants to just keep a distance or not get involved. Come on op, at 46 seems like you have a bit of growing up as well. It’s 1 year of dating, not even engagement, marriage or even living together. You are a bit too intense

The police were called yesterday on account of your daughter's behaviour, but THIS is what you are asking advice on..?
#priorities

She’s spent the time just grumbling and griping at him and trying to make him change. She’s all the things you said and her dictating to him about what he has to buy her is also gross.

Your list of her issues is a succinct summation of her red flags and why he should leave. She won’t stop badgering and berating him. What’s the point? He shouldn’t put up with all this bullshit because she’s a mess and lacking in self esteem.

Gently, I have never heard of anyone celebrating their one year anniversary with their boyfriend.

I understand celebrating anniversaries for after your married but why do you feel you need to make a big deal out of being in a relationship for 1 year - where have you got this idea from??

OP you seem a bit intense.
For most couples it’s a “omg I’ve just realised we’ve been together over a year now” - it’s not something that is discussed in length, exchange gifts and certainly not something to feel sick about or make excuses why you can’t see him - that is so silly.

Please don’t tell him happy anniversary in the way that you are planning - I think you may look a bit silly.

Forget about the anniversary for now.
Focus on whether you actually want to be with him - it doesn’t sound like you do.

It sounds like there are a lot of issues and it doesn’t matter what he says about loving you etc those are just words.

Ignore his words and focus on his actions - do his actions show that he loves you?
Are his actions that of someone you want to be with?

If not, end things and return the frame.

I don’t think you’re asking too much.

It’s not even about the present is it OP. It’s about the acknowledgement that he cares.

Heads up. His actions are that of an avoidant personality type.

I'm sorry OP, I don't like tight men but I really think you are over the top with all this gifting I would find this all too much hard work at this dtage in a relationship.
Can you not just enjoy your time together? Its still early days and this is not a wedding anniversary.
Id be annoyed about the 50% petrol business though, that's a bit much.

For those giving OP a hard time, I disagree. If she has been clear about what she'd like from him and he doesn't do it - be a happy anniversary card, going to their original cafe where they met or something then he's not respecting her. After all, in the early days it's supposed to be all sweet, loving, thoughtful and silly isn't it? My partner and I were all cute for a few years, it's now 20 years down the line we can't be arsed.

The halving everything is just madness and does create an issue - just take turns surely? But then if he is as tight as OP says, she'll end up paying for a slap up meal and he'll take her to mcdonalds when it's his turn!

OP, stop spending so much money on him and expecting the same back - it's creating resentment for you. I realise that you didn't know what he was going to be like when it came to your b'day, but now you do!

He's a dullard already, and look, he's probably never going to actually get more exciting, is he? Things will only go in one direction from this unsatisfactory starting point - time to make your choice, I'm afraid 😒

To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens.

I am quite shocked that you can write this in the middle of talking about your boyfriend and your ‘anniversary’.

The priority here should be yourself and your kids.

Why are you giving so much energy, time and money to a man that isn’t giving you want you want.

You are feeling sick and stressed out over it - how is that good for your life?

I actually don’t think he’s done anything wrong and I think you have a lot of issues -

but sometimes we need to recognise that being in a relationship (even if it’s with a nice man and brings positives) is actually detrimental to our lives and sometimes we need to be single and focus on ourselves more.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Honestly it sounds like you both have different priorities. You are one year in and he is showing you him at his best.
I do think you are being a bit intense about the anniversary.

This.

And I wonder if the teen daughter is behaving badly / trying to get attention due to her mum putting all her time and energy into her new boyfriend....

Yeah OP, I agree. You know who he is and you'll spend forever trying to make him become who you want him to be.

I'd lose interest in making an effort after being told to 'fill the bag'. With kindness OP, that would have been hurtful. Most men wouldn't even know of Etsy, never mind use it to find handmade or unique jewellery as a gift.

I can see how the petrol money doesn't seem like a gift though. He probably saw it as a way to pay for an activity he knows you enjoy. Similar to paying for the cinema, even if you normally go every week. He missed the mark and you certainly let him know.

As Chim says, does he want a framed trilogy of your first year together? How would it feel if he said he'd rather you'd 'filled the bag' with eight cans of Stella instead?

Sorry but you are just not a good match. There is nothing inherently wrong in your approach and wanting to celebrate significant dates - although many people would find gifts etc for the anniversary of a first date at your age a bit much. Equally, there is nothing particularly wrong in him being less emotional, being very practical and equal about splitting costs etc. However, you both need to find other like-minded people for your future. You will become increasingly upset at what you come to see as his coldness and meanness and he is going to get frustrated with what he feels is your constant need for validation.

I want to thank you all very much for taking the time to respond. There were quite a lot of misinterpretations (my fault for not writing the post properly) but I received all your comments with an open mind and heart, and also gratitude. It was beyond helpful. Please know, my children are well taken care of, I am a devoted mother and have taken yesterday and today off work to focus only on them. I do have CPTSD from my abusive marriage and am in therapy. My children always come before by boyfriend. What I failed to express was that this was taking up noise in my head too when of course, it shouldn't be and that was pissing me off too. I do have a lot more growth and recovery to do. I didn't mean I'd show up to his workplace with the gift (which I shall not give now - thank you!) I meant meet him after work arrghh going to his workplace would be the worst - I'd never do that!! Anyway, there were other misinterpretations eg. 'fill the bag' but I simply appreciate your time. Thank you!