First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

[Dahl46]

I really need help please. I am 46, as is my boyfriend. I left my emotionally abusive husband five years ago and have three children that I share custody with. I met my boyfriend a year ago today and he is kind and outdoorsy - can be a bit boring sometimes over chatting about mundane stuff but he is a person with good values. He gets on well with my kids - I introduced them at seven months in. On his birthday - two months into our relationship - I thoroughly spoiled him with a beautiful meal out and thoughtful gifts: he loved it. On my birthday (9 months into our relationship) he made a big deal out of my present (ended up being £20 earrings from Etsy) and took me out for an Indian and we only got one course: and the worst part, he said that my other part of the present would be him taking me on a hike (I love to hike but it's something we do every free weekend) and I wouldn't 'have to pay half for the petrol'. I did say to him that this did not feel like a present and he apologised and seemed to see it and said he would never let this happen again. I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag' - get me a book, some chocolate, along with the earrings. Anyway, he's been very stuck on this each paying half thing and has never ever taken me out for a meal - apart from the birthday meal - and here we are today at one year. I did, a couple of months ago, say I'm starting to get the ick (I said it more nicely) about the fact that every single time we go on a trip he mentions paying half for petrol - if we simply take turns driving it's sorted - I'm clearly a generous woman (always buying things for him etc) and not using him for his money. He was mortified and has stopped - said he never noticed. Today is one year since we met (ironically, he was slow to get his phone/card out to pay on our first date - tea/coffee - so let me pay hahhahaha) and he has not mentioned it despite last week saying 'wow we're almost a year together' and a few weeks ago I said 'ohhh we should go away somewhere and go back to the original cafe'. We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah) but I've told him I'll let him know tomorrow morning because I'm feeling SICK about this: he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary. I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'. To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens. He never phoned me last night when I told him what had happened and all he said is he wishes he could give me a hug and he's there if I want to rant. This morning before blabbering on about how he slept, he said 'I hope you slept well and feel better'. I feel so disconnected from him. All these last weeks he's been looking to buy a house and was proudly saying yesterday after putting an offer in that his mortgage will be so affordable AND he'll be able to pay another £250 off per month! I know money has been a bit tight until now (his marital home just sold) but I'm not asking for diamonds!! I would like us to celebrate our anniversary! I would like him to take the lead and enjoy simply taking me out to celebrate! I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too. I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort. AIBU? Thank you!

He's mean and you are being ridiculously generous and making a tit of yourself.

He's mean and boring.
Of course he is going to love extracting as much as possible from you.

You are being really foolish.
You have 3 children and your money should be for them, not flashing it with your mean boyfriend.

He is doing the absolute bare minimum and you are flashing cash.
Your daughter obviously has issues.
Stop focusing on a mean man and focus on your children.

Wake up OP.

Edited to get rid of the random gif but it wants to stay.. 😁

It's just different styles OP

You are quite OTT on the flashy gesture, he is a bit of a tightwad. You just have to be clear about what you need from him because he won't do it automatically - however you may also need to moderate your wants (fill the bag?!) to avoid him getting pissed off with you - not being into grand gestures doesn't mean you don't care about someone.

You need to accept that neither of you is right or wrong, so don't school him.

If he's dull in conversation that's more of an issue, but if you have friends who can fill that void you might be able to get over that too,

Did you start your relationship on the day you met? The only people I know who celebrate their "meetaversary" are teenagers, surely you celebrate the first day of your actual romantic relationship if you're going to celebrate your anniversary at all?

You don't sound very well matched to be honest. Think you need to have a word with yourself about whether you're with him to be with him, or if you're with him to be with someone and are projecting your ideal someone onto a random man.

He may well be a good person, but that doesn’t mean the OP wants to be in a relationship with him! He’s clearly incredibly stingy, as well as dull, as she admits herself.

And it’s ridiculous that, despite this, what seems to be bothering her is not that her teenager is having some kind of crisis to the point where neighbours called the police and she went to her GP, or that she’s in a relationship that isn’t suiting her, but that he hasn’t marked the anniversary of the start of this low-grade, crappy relationship.

The OP sounds vulnerable and completely unattuned to her own needs.

Celebrating the anniversary of when you first met isn’t a thing, unless you’re a teenager. Your financial approaches are also jarring, this isn’t going to work in the long term.

I don’t think a first anniversary is a thing. And you’re not at all compatible.

There's far too much thinking about a new boyfriend happening here.
It doesn't matter if he wants to move in, the only relevant thing in that area is if it's in your kids best interests to have an unrelated male moved into their home and if you want to house a man.

Just enjoy dating, if it's enhancing your life. Don't keep bestowing gifts on him and forking out for things, that's money for you and your kids.

I'm also 46, albeit totally different circumstances.
I wouldn't bother for a day.

He sounds stingy and boring and like he doesn’t actually think about you as a person (the part where he goes on about how well he’s slept when if he thought about you he’d know you slept badly) it’s totally ok to want to be with someone who says happy anniversary! 1 year of us! And he isn’t that man. I’d say to him I’d like to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be celebrate being with me for a year, and that’s not you, so I think we should call it a day.

You don’t sound compatible.

You feel how you feel, and you should listen to your gut. An anniversary also isn’t something I’d personally prioritise - me and DH both totally forgot our wedding anniversary to this year - but that isn’t the point at all. The point is this guy isn’t making you feel loved and cherished at all, which is why you’re hanging on for things like anniversaries. You’re craving the affection he’s withholding. After a painful divorce and the complexities of co-parenting - is this worth it at all? You deserve peace.

my husband s the same and it ended up with me having a psychotic break partly becasue we didnt spend money when we needed to and I didnt have thigns I needed fro me academic work

I also agree absolutely with this. Don’t give him much thought. Ask: what is he bringing to my life? Is this making my life happier? Doesn’t sound like it at all.

He sounds tight in every way - with his money, his affection, his thoughtfulness. And you seem to have a lot going on in your life (teenage daughter etc).
I don’t think it’s the right time or right person for you, despite you trying so hard.

"Just fill the bag" you are ungrateful.
What is hus financial situation, he is in the process of a divorce.
A lot of casual couples go 50/50.
It's sensible before committing.

I don’t think I would expect to celebrate this? At least I never have, not with any relationship.
Aside from that a deal breaker for me is someone who is tight - my husband was a very generous man and that was very appealing. This nickel and diming you describe is a total turn off. Plus boring as well? I don’t care how good his ‘values’ are (though sharing doesn’t seem to be one of them), you can do better.

The anniversary thing wouldn’t bother me. He does seem a genuine guy even if he comes across as being a bit tight with money. As nice a gesture as it sounds please don’t go to his work with the gift.
I think you really need to have a good think about what he’s bringing to the relationship and if you’re happy, but from what you’ve said you both seem to be on the same page.

I barely remember my wedding anniversary. If I do it's a quick "oh yeah, happy anniversary!" It's just not that important to me and many other people. It's important to you so YOU do something.

I don't think I even know the date I first started going out with DH. We celebrate our wedding anniversary (when one of us remembers, which is not every year) but I don't think I know anyone who celebrates the anniversary of first meeting or getting together. So the anniversary would not be a deal-breaker for me. What might or might not be is his transactional approach to doing everything together. I think there are three ways forward that might not result in years of resentment:

1. you lay your cards on the table, explain what you think he should be doing, and he agrees to do it;
2. you adjust your own behaviour so you are not giving him so much;
3. you split up. But you split up because your values and expectations in general are different, not because he forgot an anniversary that wouldn't mean much to a lot of people.

OP, this is silly. You’re desperate to celebrate a frankly crappy relationship. You admit it yourself — he’s dull, tight with money, thoughtless, and the relationship isn’t working for yku. So WHY are you so desperate to celebrate it? A year in a relationship isn’t something to celebrate, unless it’s a satisfying relationship, and this isn’t.

Focus on the real stuff, like what’s going on with your teenagers. Forget dating till you’re better at prioritising your needs and wishes, not trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.

Personally think you have different values and it likely won’t work long term. He showed you who he was on the first date by making you pay. You continued and have seen time and time again how he differs massively from you. I’m sure the earrings from Etsy were lovely but not comparable to how much you spoilt him, for example.

You’re just different and misaligned which is fine. Cut your losses now.

Anniversaries are for marriage and, let's face it, most middle-aged couples don't make a big deal out of it, because it's a bit uncool to behave like a teenager in your 40s/50s/60s.

Just relax OP, because being so overenthusiastic risks pushing him away.

You’re not compatible and have very different values
id call it quits
and mean with money is mean with emotions - making you is for petrol for your birthday present is thoughtless and mean

But I think it’s mostly important to the OP because the relationship itself is crap!

She’s focused on him making gestures because the actual relationship is totally unsatisfying to her. And it makes no sense. She stresses his stinginess and dullness and says he’s making her ‘SICK’, but she’s made a ’beautiful’ photo frame of three photographs of herself together with Mr Dull and is going to his workplace to give it to him — despite the fact that it might be over by the weekend. (Or so you’d hope…)

I get you, OP. Having had to lead a horrible, penny-pinching life until about five years ago, now I have some spare cash and I like to make the most of birthdays and anniversaries. I try to pick something that the recipient would like, not necessarily expensive but something that says, in gift form, 'I hear what you say, I understand what you like and need. I am listening to you.'

Your man doesn't. And while it's all right to start with, a few years in it starts to grate when you've been mentioning those new boots you like or standing in front of windows pointing at something and saying 'I really want one of those for my birthday' and what you get is a box of chocolates (or a stuffed owl, ask me how I know...)

So you need to think whether having a dependable, boring but steady man who really doesn't take on board what you are expressing is worth it to you.