To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

Send them back with what they came in and no more ?

What age are they? Can your dp speak to his ex?

Is the mum struggling for money? Does your dh only pay the CMS minimum?

You can always send them back in the clothes they arrived in, and put the new ones in the wash.

Did this with some success when they were younger, but they’re 11 and 8 so we don’t tend to dress them now. Plus often they’re arriving in completely unsuitable clothes like bare legs and shorts with no jumper, in a thunderstorm.

We have seperate clothes. They go in what they came back in last time. They com back in clothes from their dads, I wash it and send them back in it next time. Bit different as we are main house but you could same?

Whatever they wear to yours is what they go back in.

@Meadowfinch
The op says that they spend loads on the kids.

Mine do this....and still wear the same clothes back to ex (EOW).

No he pays more, and she has a similar amount of money to us as far as I know, but she has different priorities. She spends very little on SC but has a lot of holidays, fancy cars and stuff for herself. Her prerogative.

It doesn'T matter what she spends her disposable income on, tbh.
Just get them into appropriate clothes when they arrive, and send them back in the clothes they arrived on. Be firm on this with the SC.

Eventually they will learn to bring what they need, and take back what they need. They just need help with this to begin with.

Since they’re 11 and 8 and do have nice clothes as you’ve said, I’d guess they’re dressing themselves and she isn’t picking them up on the fact what they’re wearing isn’t weather appropriate or has holes and such in. They’re not very small so I’d presume she isn’t dressing them anyway and I’d also guess they’re packing their own stuff.

Get your DH to have a word with her and just ask her to tell them to clear their damaged clothing out and only wear weather appropriate items.

It wasn’t so much of an issue when they were little but now they have expensive tastes and everything costs more. I resent paying for a £50 for trainers to never see them again and have them whinging about needing new ones!

My son used to go to his dads every other weekend and I would just pack a bag for him. He never had clothes at his dads house, Christ, his dad wouldn’t even buy him anything (“I give you maintenance for that”), so it was all taken and brought back.

I actually think it’s really odd to have different clothes in different houses. Just let the mum/them pack a bag and stop having clothes at your house.

At tat age, the children shouldbe more than capable of thinking about what they will need when they're at your house and understanding that the clothes you buy for them at your house, are sufficient.

So when they next go "home" remind them that you've bought xx amount of underwear recently, and their new jacket or whatever and that if they want to wear it next time, they must bring it with them.

You don't have to dress them! Just tell them to go & change into what you've put in their bed (or whatever)

'smuggling' how can they 'smuggle' their own belongings? If they take things to their 'mums/main house' then don't bring them back they have to do without, it doesn't really affect you.

change clothes. Shoes etc before you take them back & leave jackets etc in your car.

Theyre old enough to understand.

They never choose inappropriate clothes at our house so I feel it is a systematic swapping out.

Agree with sending them back in what they arrived in. If they are in the car being dropped off it doesn't matter if they are in shorts with no coat. I wouldn't care about the odd pair of pants or cheap leggings.

If the suggestion is that the mum is selling things on, buy supermarket basics for them to travel in, and keep the good stuff at your house. Your dcs if older, will understand.

For example, in the past we bought them analogue watches (£40 each, personalised, of their choosing) because neither can tell the time.

Never saw them again.

These would have been helpful for learning.

Another example, we bought them sports under layers for hiking, which we do regularly. I’ve replaced them three times in a year because they go to their mum’s and then are “lost”. They need warm clothes or we can’t go.

So yeah, stuff like jewellery doesn’t have an impact but other things do.

Either - stop buying clothes and shoes and they need to pack a bag.
Or - have mum's clothes and dad's clothes and get them to change back into mum's clothes to go home.

Why are they wearing hiking clothes to go to their mum's house? Are they hiking over there?

Are they packing a bag to move between houses? I assume they must be if they are managing to take multiple pants/socks/outfits etc. Base layers don't need to leave your house. Once used take them to wash and put them away so they don't get packed.

I hate the whole “mums clothes and dads clothes” thing.

Could you imaging spending every other weekend somewhere and while there, you have to wear different clothes, which you then had to leave there?

I think I hate it so much as I knew a man once that used it as a form of control. As soon as his dd stepped into his house, she had to get changed into “his” clothes. As the dd got older, she flatly refused to do it, she wanted her own clothes. He doubled down so she just stopped going.

No, which is why it’s annoying! Because it’s new and cool and branded I assume. I could buy them non-branded but as I’m buying the rest of the family branded items (because it’s better quality and lasts years - if it isn’t immediately “lost”) I worry this would upset SC.

SC spend a lot of time at their maternal grandma’s house so I suspect we are inadvertently stocking her house as well as their mum’s.

I used to have this, just sent her home in what she came in.

If home is not too far drop them home to get proper clothes, every time.