To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

Get them to have a shower before they go home, and put them in the clothes they arrived in. Make it your new routine.

We had to do this as my SC's mum would send them round in clothes that were too small all the bloody time. We'd buy new clothes, and wouldn't see them again till they'd grown out of them. I have no idea wtf that was all about. Best was sending a 4 year old in dungarees that were aged 18 months, with the poppers for nappy changing.

It really pissed me off as it made us look shit. So we stopped sending them home in new clothes and would send them back in what they'd worn to us, and keep nice clothes just to wear round ours.

Of course it's not ideal, and it's a totally shit. But they obviously don't want to wear crap, so don't send it home. Hopefully as they get older they'll cotton on and have more awareness and choice in what they wear.

Why do YOU have to???

Will you please tell us why it's down to you and not their dad?

DH and I have shared finances and buying kids’ clothes is my remit (I don’t mind, I quite like it!).

He has raised it with their mum repeatedly and every few months she’ll send a bag of our clothes back, often damaged and well worn. It’s her view that clothes are for the children so should be kept where they want to keep them.

I think you are making a big deal of this to be honest, either send them back in the clothes they came in (they are old enough to understand that they will have different clothes/shoes at different houses!), or if the clothes are really that bad, buy the cheapest of cheap leggings/tops etc, and send them back in those, they can go home in the shoes they came in!

I'm hazarding a guess that your DH doesn't mind them taking the clothes home but you do? Otherwise why is this not his problem as well?

Why are you buying them clothes though?

Why can’t they come with a weekend bag? I don’t get it. I was in the same situation. My son took clothes to his dads house, he didn’t have differnt clothes there.

You are making it far more complicated than it needs to be.

Well, she’s not entirely wrong is she. If you buy clothes for the children, then they are for them.

Honestly, just tell the mum/kids to pack a bag. If you want to buy them anything, it’s for them. You really can’t control what they do with their own clothes.

My SC always returns in the clothes they came in (I wash and put them aside ready). We do sometimes loose items of clothing to the other house but that’s not from a lack of chasing for them to be returned. Your situation sounds extreme.

DH and I have shared finances and buying kids’ clothes is my remit (I don’t mind, I quite like it!).

If you quite like it, then why the thread?

The solution here is so very simple.

1. Tell your DH to make sure they wear the same clothes home that they arrived in.
2. Tell your DH from now on he'll have to take them shopping for anything they need.

If you're unwilling to take that simple advice, I don't know what you're hoping for from this thread?

I think they are old enough to be told that they won't be getting multiple replacements of expensive trainers and outfits. It doesn't need to be a "have a go at mum" conversation. It's easy enough for them to understand that they need to bring back what they want to use and not to expect another item, certainly not fancy stuff. If they leave behind their hiking gear, they don't go hiking. You could give them a set clothes budget they can look at themselves.

I think they are fully aware of what they’re doing, and to be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if they hide things from their mum to ensure it stays there. Their mum (and they, parroting) often say things like we have more money and we should be buying more.

I agree about it making us look shit. It’s infuriating.

How old are your SC now and how is it?

I did say it was a while since I bought footwear for kids but I remember lamenting they only lasted 3 months as their flipping feet insisted on growing.
If you’re already spending a fortune on clothes you are affording it somehow, I’m just suggesting a more controlled way which would benefit the kids and you.
You have choices
Take them out in holey tat , the eldest will soon realise she doesn’t like this
Continue as you are
Make sure the clothes you buy stay at your home
Get your dh involved or does he like being generous dad?
If you don’t enforce a change then you will continue to be frustrated and angry. This affects your well being but your dsc will feel your resentment and this situation is not their fault.

So why aren't they packing their clothes to bring to yours for the weekend?
Do you live near by? If they have forgotten to pack clothes can you nip back so they can pick them up rather than buying new every time.

That’s children for you. They don’t tend to take care of stuff or think ahead in terms of what they need. I bet my exhusband thinks the same in terms of things he buys for our 12 year old, that he never then wears back there. It’s got the the stage where I’ve suggested keeping his own stuff as his house as I don’t have time to manage clothes at his house as well as my own. I work full time and always make sure that 5 sets of school uniform are washed every weekend. Casual clothes it’s difficult to keep up with as they tend to change outfits several times a day and never think ahead to keep nicer things for when they’re going out. You can’t ’dress’ them in the way you do for smaller children. Same with sizing etc. I do 2/3 big shopping trips a year where I throw out any worn/smaller items and do a restock. For my ex husband who doesn’t see a lot of the child admin, it must seem like I’ve got lots of time for this type of stuff, but really it’s at the bottom of a long list of priorities.

1. They‘re smuggling things under their clothes and in school bags. I’m not hugely comfortable with the idea of bag and body searching pre-teens…
2. He would, but as we have shared finances this would end up costing me more because they’d end up coming home with fun stuff, not what they need. Which then impacts my household finances even more

I wanted a vent really and to see if anyone else had been through the same.

Stop buying expensive stuff and buy cheap Primark stuff for them

Obviously just keep the nice stuff you buy at your house. Do you think she is selling the stuff you buy or binning it just to spite you? Or that they just use it at her house? You could ask them where the trainers are that you just bought, if they are asking for more new ones and why they don't have their watches on.

You aren’t keen on your SC are you?

Do not buy any more stuff and tell the kids why.

just tell them the rule is they have to change into the clothes they came in to go back.

If they're in charge of dressing themselves why are they always arriving in scruffy clothes?

I can’t believe that kids that age are ruining clothes so frequently. Clothes don’t look well worn after a few months of wear. The only clothes my kids have that look old are hand me downs not stuff I’ve bought brand new for them and they’ve worn for a few months.

If the kids are moaning that they need new shoes or want XYZ that you’ve recently bought then you need to tell them that they need to find their trainers at their mum’s house and wear those.

Spending money on expensive personalised watches is bonkers at that age sorry.

I sympathise because my kids’ dad’s flat is a black pit, but I deal with it by sending them in the few clothes that he’s bought. You can do it subtly. My kids are going to their dads this coming weekend and I don’t want to send my ds1 in the more expensive joggers I’ve bought so I will just put the ones his dad has bought in his wardrobe so they are there for when he gets dressed on that day. Ds1 won’t notice or care. Obviously if he did care about wearing something specific that’s different. If I need stuff back I send him a message with explicit instructions “please can you bring ds2’s Minecraft onesie back” or if I am picking them up from his, I ask for things back there and then and don’t leave until I have them. But your dh needs to be the one dealing with it.

They go back in what they came in. We had this for years and multiple other issues with clothes that were returned.
a month after going back in what she came in got the message across and although that didn’t stop she also started turning looking a bit decent

I wish I had this problem. Instead I get bags and bags of toys deposited along with the child, to the extent that next time said child will be travelling with an enormous box as I simply have no more space!!

Yes , including trainers and coats. Are they going back in the car ? If so no worries about the weather.

If they are “smuggling” them out, then there is obviously an issue that they are becoming aware of. Either they own the clothes, or they don’t.

Are you buying them for them or with the condition that they must only stay at your house?

It would be like my mother buying me a lovely dress, but saying I could only wear it when I came to visit. I wouldn't actually be mine.

Maybe they are just confused and want the things they like all the time, not just when they see their dad.

You need to stop this. Sure buy them things, but realise that if you buy someone something, it’s theirs to do with as they wish.

Tell their mum to pack a weekend bag for them in future and then this all stops.