To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

The kids are old enough to shop, they are old enough to talk to.

Right kids-we have just bought you these to wear at our house. you don’t go hiking with mum, so you don’t need them at her house you need them here. You are not to take them back to mums. If you do, and we have no clothes for you here again, I will be buying the replacements from Asda. I will not be permanently buying branded clothes for you to take to mums and granny’s. I will buy that kind of stuff twice a year and if you remove it from here, it will be replaced with Asda/primark. Do you both understand? Great.

He isn’t doing anything with this because the OP is the one paying for it and dealing with it!

@SCProb you are BONKERS to agree to shared finances when you earn more. Why are you subsidising kids that already have two parents? Your husband doesn’t care because it’s not his money that’s being wasted!! You need an overhaul of your finances. Shared in blended families is just stupid and always leads to resentment.

@SCProb there obviously isn't an easy solution to this but would it work with the SC if you told them you can't possibly give their mum the extra work of washing their new clothes on top of everything else she has to do so you will add them in with yours to make her life easier?

They will remember your kindness in the long term OP. Now my SC are adults they realise what was going on at the time. As children they started to pack their own stuff when they were old enough, and understood when they went back to their mum's in what they came in, even though there was no problem between DH and his Ex over clothes.

I suppose you could send them in clean school uniform so they can put it on the next day, and keep the "Dad's house" clothes at yours.
I remember from my own childhood not having clean uniform on Monday morning and it's not pleasant, or anyone's fault really if the adult(s) can't cope.

I would be annoyed in your position but in this case it seems nobody else is worrying except you OP, send them home in clean school uniform and yes, frisk their bags for "Dad's house" clothes.

Presumably when they whinge about needing new ones, you remind them that you just bought a £50 pair, and you ask where those are. What is the reply?

The OP has chosen the NN 'SC Prob' when this is very much a husband problem.

She has told us in plenty of detail how neglectful the ex is, but yet seems happy for her DH to neglect his own children and leave all of this to her.

There's none so blind as they say.

if they are arriving in totally unsuitable clothing - get them to swap, put the clothes in the wash ready to pop back on before they leave and say oh put these clothes back on as your mum will want them back.

You need to say, on repeat...

'If you want your nice things here/x toy here/x trainers here.. you must pack them and bring them here'.

They're old enough now to start taking care of their own belongings and if you keep replacing stuff, they will absolutely keep scattering posessions to the four winds because its fine, some adult somewhere will just supply another!

It is frustrating. If washing is the issue and they need clean stuff Dad should tell them they can bring it back unwashed and stick on a washing for them when they arrive. Keep it light so they dont feel awkward. Mum should be doing it but if she isnt dad needs to help the kids.

Mum obviously will not be bothered, she’s getting the extra clothes and shoes! Mum isn’t buying branded so it’s an easy hit to say you have more money as you are buying them! Win win for her! The kids need to understand there isn’t a bottomless bank at yours.

Honestly OP, dad absolutely needs to talk to kids and explain that you can’t afford to replace certain items so they have to stay at yours. Moving forward, Pack with them for going home. The kids like nice brands at that age, and will absolutely want them as that’s what their friends will be wearing and it’s a shame the mum is behaving this way but doesn’t sound like she’s going to change. Dad also doesn’t care as he’s being subsidised … but it’s going to get a lot more expensive once they’re at high school. Telling them to bring clothes to wash is a great idea

Have primark leggings and tops and cheap shoes (if just in the car they can wear whatever shoes they arrive in) that they go home in . Once branded clothes are getting smaller then they can take them as you’ll be buying up anyway.

as the saying goes, do what you’ve always done and get what you always got so you either put foot down or you will end up resentful of the kids and it doesn’t sound like this is what you want

Keep the stuff you buy at your house.

The more I read your updates the more it seems like a really frank discussion with the DC will solve this!

I agree with those saying 5 nights in 14 is nowhere near 50:50 though - you think “oh it’s only two nights less than 50:50” but actually it’s four nights less than the exw has them. So it’s close to being a third of the time. Just as it goes - doesn’t help with the problem but to get rid of the idea that some pps are putting forward that you have “nearly 50:50”.

This has happened with me DC for years, they leave in nice clothes and come back in things 2 sizes too small. I replace all their tiny pants and socks, every time they come back in clothes too small, I donate and buy larger ones.

Ive just come to accept that their dad is a cheap git and doesn’t care.

my priority is that they’re well clothed and comfortable.

it is really annoying though.

Why are you making a rod for your own back by buying branded. You can get perfectly nice clothes and underwear from Primark. I am sure you aren't buying your 4 year old branded clothes.

If the issue is their mum not sending back the clothes and sending them in rags that's one thing. As others have said, just tell them to change back into the clothes they came in.

But if you think the children are voluntarily doing this, then why don't you just stop? They can were the clothes they have, if they want to wear something nice you've bought them then they can ensure it's packed in their bag or stays at yours. If they really care then it won't be long until they find a solution themselves.

Toys or jewellery etc, I kind of agree they should be able to keep them where they want. It's not something you should replace anyway, you can teach them to read the time on a wall clock.

Nuther one team hardball
If clothes / shoes aren’t with them / clean then either skip an activity or wait for the washing machine
It will probably take a few weeks & the odd mistake but the message will sink in

The day before they arrive, have a look at what they have at yours and have a think about what they'll need.
Send a message to the kids and the mum. `little Jimmy will need his thermals, wellies and coat this week. He took them to yours last Friday so please make sure they're returned'.
Send same message to little Jimmy.

It's a pain in the bum, but if you know in advance they've not got what they need at yours then you can make sure they bring it with them. Also, pants, socks etc... buy loads of cheap ones, they aren't expensive and not worth getting worked up over if they go missing.

Trainers stay at yours. They won't have many pairs, make sure you have eyes on them before they leave, if not, ask them where they are!

Why do you pay for their clothing? What does DH pay to equal that?
I would let him know that in future he will be buying any clothing duplicates they need.
If they turn up with no underwear, just wash it at night, don't buy new.
Tell them I future if they take their new clothing home they will have to go without...and then mean it. You might only have to do it once.

Are you buy the clothes for yourself or the kids ?!
Clearly as you have previously stated they are of an age were they dress themselves so the kids are choosing to wear them clearly they enjoy them but who's to say they are not dressing themselves for coming back to your house ?

Sounding very horrible even describing the children in the way you have shows you are not very kind hearted toward them .
If it concerns you enough to come to a online form maybe talk to your partner and the kids mother .

The clothes and shoes you buy them are “clothes for this house” and they get changed into what they were sent with before they return to their mum’s.

When they whinge for new ones tell them you have already bought some for them so they need to make sure they are wearing them when they come to your house.

I would have different rules for technical clothes - hiking, swimming etc. They stay at yours because they can't 'do without' at your house. If other stuff doesn't come back, it doesn't get replaced. But agree to talk to the children about what the barriers are - and if they moan about trainers etc, just say you need to remember to bring them from Mum's house. Text a packing list as someone suggested.

The mother seems to get away with a lot of neglect in this set up, MNers like to make the father the villain while ignoring the mother.

They leave the clothes you bought them at your house and go home in what they arrived in

Because we don’t know the mother’s side of the story. We only know what the OP is telling us.