To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

So the belief is that mum isn't selling anything. She just isn't on top of laundry. OK fine, that explains underwear. A bit weird that they don't appear with the clothes every now and them. But the laundry is not explaining wht shoes and watches. Is mum forbitting them from using the shoes when they come over to yours? Are they allowed to wear them when they are at hers? I just find it so weird that the mum would want each kid to have dozen sneakers on the shoerack and make them come to yours in rally shoes so you will buy new ones.

How do the children get to you? If DH is collecting them from home, can you send them with extra bags and ask the children to bring some of their clothes back, even if dirty?

It's not ideal, but nothing is working so far, so your side could be more proactive in getting the kids to help, as the mum isn't interested.

I agree that they are the children's clothes, which they should be able to wear when they like, but it sounds like they just go to mum's house and languish on bedroom floors/ in the dirty laundry pile.

If you can get the kids to bring the clothes back, I imagine you would prefer washing dirty clothes than constantly replacing with new.

Good luck. I do think you sound like you love the children, but are mostly frustrated with constantly buying new clothes, which are getting more expensive as the children grow.

Why aren't you talking to the DC about this? Especially the 11 year old is more than old enough to be thinking ahead.

You spent £175 on clothes for them for ONE WEEK?!

They didn't have any pants or socks at yours at all?! Despite them living there 30% of the time?!

Given the mum won't pack a bag for them I think they're old enough for a bit of straight talking/natural consequences:

1. Current rule agreed with their mum is that they keep clothes at each house, so they don't have to pack a bag to go back and forth.
2. That means that if there are clothes that dad's that they want to wear at mum's, that's fine, but those clothes need to come back again if they want to wear that sort of item at dad's. It won't be replaced until it's outgrown.
3. If all of a certain item has gone from dad's to mum's (eg trainers) then they'll have to make do without at dad's.
4. As they're leaving, make it clear what the plan is for whatever item of clothing - "hey, I see you're wearing your new trainers. Fine to take them but make sure to bring them back on Friday, or you won't have any for the weekend" or "we're going hiking/ice skating/whatever on Saturday, make sure you bring your base layers back or you won't be able to go."

And then follow through. No suitable clothes because it been left at the other place - and you've told them to bring it - they don't get new stuff OR the related activity. It will be annoying but missing out on a few things because they don't have the right clothes might help to reset the behaviour - alongside giving them more control and ownership of their stuff. Ie you trust them with it, but you also trust them to make sure it's in the right place at the right time.

Pants/socks - just make sure that the pants and socks they arrived in + whatever they wore before the day they go back is literally in the wash as they're leaving so you at least maintain a steady number. If they complain about old stuff; "oh that's so weird as we bought a new pack last month! Make sure you bring some back from mum's next week so we can even up again."

We had SC for October half term, and had to buy new wellies for one, new coat for another, new base layers, socks and pants for both due to the activities we had planned. That cost about £175 I hadn’t budgeted for, to replace things I had already bought, or we wouldn’t be able to do the planned activities.

So why didn't your DP warn them in advance that if they don't arrive with these things, they'll be unable to do the activity?

I feel like you two are making problems here where there needn't be any.

@SCProb
I personally would prioritise certain technical items such as the thermal wear, or walking shoes, anything that is needed for certain activities which they could need while at your house.
It’s perfectly reasonable to keep these at your house and to specifically tell the kids not to take them with them. It’s a case of saying something like “Look scs, please make sure you leave such and such an item here at your dad’s so they when you are here we can do such or such an activity
together.

The rest of the items is just how things are when you are dealing with blended families I imagine.

I dread to think what other people would have made of how my two were kitted out when younger, if I had not been together with their father.
I can appreciate the fact that also having a younger child is a sensitive issue because there could be seen to be a difference in care if one child is dressed smartly and appropriately and the older two don’t even have clothes fit for the weather.
My advice would be to just be as kind as you can when chatting with them and explain the reasoning behind why you need to keep some stuff at your house too.
Don’t let your own feelings about people judging you harshly for how they are dressed be part of the issue. As long as they have clothes fit for what you are doing, then that’s all that matters.

We often get them after school so they’re in uniform with school shoes, then wear our stuff back. I’ve recently laid down the law about them only wearing school shoes back.

Because we didn’t know the under layers, pants and socks had been raided, and we expected them to arrive, in late October, with their coats (we bought their winter coats, and last year’s, which were also at their mum’s).

The wellies was on DH, it turns out he’d let SS wear them back the week before because it was raining and his school shoes were wet.

I bought them each ten pairs of pants at the beginning of September. By half term, SD had two pairs in her drawer, and SS one (plus the ones they arrived in). It’s not just wearing things back; it’s them taking things too.

I didn’t have time to buy second hand as we needed to go on our holidays the morning after.

Why should he pay over the minimum CMS when he has them nearly 50/50?

Come on, the children are old enough and according to you are doing it themselves.

your DH needs to speak to them and explain you can’t and not going to constantly replace stuff.
if they want to have nice stuff to wear at yours, they now need to bring it back - given they are smuggling it they are perfectly capable to do it in the reverse.

if they don’t, they either wear unsuitable clothes or get cheap unbranded replacements. They also don’t get to go hiking if they smuggle hiking clothes out and don’t bring them back.

seriously?

Sorry but I don't believe for one second that an 8 and 11 year old have taken every item of clothing you've bought for them to their mums without you noticing. It just isn't possible!

Our (teenage) DSD doesn't stay over anywhere near as much these days as she's older and has her own social life, however she still has drawers in her room with underwear, pyjamas, t-shirts, leggings etc that have just built up over time. And sometimes she's only over once a week!

You have these children for 1/3 of the time and yet they don't have a single pair of pants or socks in a drawer?!

More to the point, when he has them almost 50/50, why the hell do they need new socks and pants buying every time they stay over?!

It not rocket science, just as other posters have already mentioned.
What you buy stays at your house and you send them back to their mum's in the clothes they arrived in.

I think the taking things is one you need to tackle separately and direct with them with some straight talking:

"You know the arrangement is that you have enough clothes at both houses, and we want you to feel like your clothes are your clothes no matter where the clothes are. But this means we need to make sure you have enough clothes for when you're here. So it's fine to take clothes to mum's, but you need to make sure you bring them back again afterwards because we are just not going to be replacing things constantly. This is one where you're old enough now to take responsibility for your things. If it helps I'll make you a packing list for what we've got short of and need to come back next time."

If they've got no clean underwear and socks, I really can't blame children for taking new ones back with them so they have some for the week (how sad for them! Honestly this would be my priority, making sure they had clean underwear vs what I'm spending)

Have you tried talking to them? But not focusing on the money at all, just asking what's going on?or maybe their dad could, whatever they'd be more comfortable with. I would speak to them and if they say nothing was clean, tell them they can bring dirty clothes over in a bag and you’ll wash them. I know this is very annoying and you/your husband shouldn't have to but I would just want to help the kids

I was neglected as a child and it was AWFUL and makes you sneaky and ashamed of yourself. Are the children boys or girls? With boys they are better with conversations in the car so you aren't looking at each other if that helps

I would buy them expensive stuff as often as you would for anyone else in the family (1x a year etc) but if it's lost replace it with cheaper versions. I would explain this to your SC though so they don't think it's personal/unequal treatment, you just can't afford it.

I would bet they love the shopping days out too so I would try replace them with something similar so they still get that time and attention.

Dad should check the clothes they have when they arrive and go and get anything the need from mums. Check bag, if pants, socks, hiking gear missing pop over to get it. If no trousers or jumpers get them too.

Actually my family set up with doing washing and housework is just fine - highlighting that his ex drops her own kids washing off at ours to do and you twist that to being that we are the ones who require help!? Behave. Have a day off!!!!

5 nights out of 14 is more like 65/35 nowhere near 50/50.

I would definitely put my foot down on the whinging to start with. At their ages they will know fine well if you've already bought them trainers. Tell them to bring them next time. It must be a pain for them to have two separate houses but only one body for their clothes.

it would be more sensible if they came with a bag of clothes
and dont need to keep clothes with you

How far away does their mum live? If they're not arriving with this stuff then their dad needs to take them back to collect it until they learn to bring what they need.

What is their dad actually doing? Why isn't he dealing with this? Why is set up as you v their mum?

I would start a set up where they change before heading back, and check stuff like the hiking layers are at yours, but I would also buy lots of cheap pants and socks and let them take those, it’s neglect by their mum to not have clean pants. Have you shown the elder one how to use the washing machine, and told them they are welcome to bring a bag of dirty clothes and you and dh will wash them?