To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

wellies dont cost a fortune
just have a pair that remain in your house, no big deal
go charity shopping for "spare" clothes

Buy Primark or Asda or other ultra-cheap pants in multipacks. Let them take as many as they want; just keep re-stocking. It would be petty and mean to do anything else - they obviously feel the need to keep taking them to mum's, so let them. The last thing you want is for them to be neglected and feel ashamed.

Same for socks. Black or grey don't show ingrained staining like white ones - don't buy white ones.
If you feel there is a need, also keep buying them cheap leggings and t-shirts and keep re-stocking.

Branded clothes: your choices are either a) to stop buying them for all the children, or b) do bag-checks to ensure the expensive stuff stays at your place.
Same for coats, shoes, jumpers, specialist clothes (hiking gear) - bag checks.

Ask them to bring a pile of laundry from their mum's house every visit if you think laundry is the issue; you need to talk to them and find out if that is the issue.

If they come to you straight from school, they go back to mum's in their school uniforms, or in cheap leggings & t-shirts that you are happy not to see again.

Long term strategy - teach them to pack properly for a visit. Give them lists and help them with planning, give lots of reminders.

I'd just sent her home in what she was in when she came tbh.

OP, when it's stuff for hiking etc, I would warn them before they arrive the plans for while they are with you, and if they turn up without the right clothing they won't be able to join in. If they are the ones taking the clothes back to their mum's, put the responsibility on them to bring it all back when it is needed. They are old enough to know they need coats and wellies etc. if they arrive without stuff, you DH needs to drive to the mums house to pick up what is missing. Stop buying to replace, you are just encouraging them to do it mroe

They’re his kids too that’s the point.

we didn’t know the under layers, pants and socks had been raided,

Why didn't you know? You need to keep checking what is in their drawers at your house.
"Raided" is a very emotive word. I think it would be cruel, mean, and petty to do anything other than keep replacing the pants and socks. Buy cheap multi-packs. Buy as many as it takes for them to stop feeling the "shortage" and to stop feeling neglected.
Yes, it is not fair, you shouldn't have to. But if you care about these children you will do it gladly.

we expected them to arrive
It comes down to exactly how they 'arrive' - who drops them off or collects them?
If you collect, don't leave their house until sufficient bags of clothes (even if dirty) are coming with them.
If they are dropped off by mum, make sure you take them back and then collect bags of clothes at that point.

You have no option but to tell them to wear what they came in to go home. That is the only solution.

I second just getting them to pack clothes for your house and not actually having clothes there for them. You can take them clothes shopping every once in a while and let them take it home and just tell them to pack stuff when they come.
We used to have clothes at our house for SD, but because we always picked her up straight from school, she always came in a school uniform and we wernt going to send her back in a uniform on a Sunday.. so every time we had her we lost an outfit , never to be seen again. Plus they grow so fast, some things only got worn once or twice before they were too small so better to keep the clothes at the main house where they will get the most wear out of them.

I think they are both old enough to be given some responsibility or at least awareness about what should be left at your house.
If they are shipping underwear etc back to Mum’s , they need to bring it back or perhaps DH should take them round to collect stuff to be washed and then left at your house. Multiple purchasing of the same items is not a reasonable expectation.
Could DH sit down with the two of them and write a list of what they need for each visit and explain that if they have taken stuff that was bought to be worn at your house, they need to pack it and bring it? If they conveniently forget - buy from a charity shop, not new to make a point.
I would also do a sweep before they leave that things that should be there have been left- it may feel harsh but I think you need to make a point. Don’t buy any more branded items until things stay at yours!

The children are old enough for you to say no to them. No we aren't buying yet more clothes/ shoes. You have x number of this that and the other so wear those.

If they come in unsuitable clothing then make them wear that.

They only do it because you keep sorting it out. So stop sorting it out. Let them wear what they brought.

They will stop when you stop.

At that age I would’ve just said to my ex “please can dd come home in her hiking leggings because we’re going for a walk on Sunday/please can the watches come back with them so we can do the time homework” etc.

otherwise, just tell them as it keeps going missing you need to spend a bit less on their stuff. If my kids lose their nikes they’d get an Asda pair to replace them!

I have no idea why you have overly involved yourself in this. Sounds like you have a DH problem. He needs to speak to his ex-wife and request the items back. If he needs to make a special trip to go and collect them from the house rather than collecting the kids from school, then that’s what needs to happen. I’m absolutely buggered if I would be spending any of my money on my stepchildren’s clothes unless it was my choice and a gift. I’ve always had a wonderful relationship with my stepchildren but I’m always crystal clear with their dad what his responsibilities are!

Errr..projection 😆

How old are they? I actually think you should have some sort of amnesty with the kids - tell them they can bring all of their dirty pants back with them to your house and you’ll wash them for them.

It sounds like they’re “smuggling” stuff to Mum’s house as she’s not providing for them and they want nice stuff there too. They shouldn’t be punished for Mum’s inadequacy.

So if they’re old enough, make it clear they can take whatever they want to and from your house, but it won’t be replaced so they do need to bring it back when they come. And it’s fine if it’s not washed, you’ll help them solve that when they’re with you. And maybe have a load of cheap clothes to send them home in - Primark tee shirts and joggers - so the full days they’re with you they can wear what they want, but you keep the family hiking stuff together so ask for the under layers back to wash and store once the activity is done.

I mean her house must be covered in clean washing that’s unsorted if they are taking that amount home. Which also doesn’t explain the trainers or watches.

Though I also don’t buy the washing excuse. 11 and 8 are old enough to go though a clean pile of clothes and find their pants and socks.

11 is old enough to load a washer and turn it on and tbh so is 8.

11 is also old enough to of twigged if we go to dads in our shittest clothes they will take us shopping for new things.

I’d ask them to make sure they are bringing certain things if you know it will be needed. Don’t forget your winter coat, wellies need to come back for our winter walk. Oh and your thermal layers might be chilly

But also don’t let them leave with their wellies unless they are being dropped off straight from a farm or something. Keep some cheapo black plimsoles for the wet shoe issue.

But designer trainers that never come back the children either are using you for suckers or trashing / them someone’s selling them.

Who said she's a singe parent?

Sounds like bitter ex-wives when posters say that on here when the OP has given NO indication that this is the case.

Actually sounds like she cares MORE than the mother.

I would have a chat to the SC about this - about making sure they’ve got decent clothes at yours - either by leaving them at yours all the time or by packing properly when they come back.

Are they scared of their Mum at all? Do you think she’s putting pressure on them to leave all the decent clothes at her house and take old things to yours? Could she even be selling things on?

Hopefully you can have a conversation and get to the bottom of it.

I have this the other way - all the new clothes I buy for DS11 are forever disappearing to Dad’s house and Dad doesn’t seem to buy anything new or a minimal amount. Then makes it hard for DS to collect anything forgotten. Not because he is deliberately piling stuff up, but because he’s lazy and also too tight to buy things.

I’ve had to chat with DS about making sure he brings things back and he’s getting better at remembering things (he has ADHD).

DD17 got good at organising her own stuff from about year 6/ age 11 so haven’t had to worry about hers for ages.

Id not keep replacing things that my kids kept " losing" they'd have to go without

What about the extremely happy “ex-wives” what do they say? The ones who we the one to leave and thank their luckily stars every day that they made that decision.

DH has previously asked their mum to send a bag of clothes, she said no as he should provide everything they need on his time (which is fair enough, I think)

But you are providing clothes for them to wear on "his time", so it's reasonable that you expect to see at least some of them them again when they come instead of turning up in rubbish with their hands out for "more"

I also don't like the "you've got more money" script, which sounds as if they're being coached, so for me this would stop right now before they're teenagers with even more expensive tastes

Simply tell them that if they want/need decent stuff to wear at yours they have to bring what you bought them last time - and stick to it

You could either be direct and ask the mum what happens to the stuff you buy, or maybe send them back in the house to get for eg their hiking stuff as you will be going out. If this is too awkward have a separate wardrobe at your house so they go back home in the clothes they came in. Even if their mum I struggling thats still no excuse for the stuff you buy them doing a disappearing act.

Why are you buying them clothes? I would never expect a partner to buy my kids clothes. It’s up to their dad.

Had this with my first husbands daughter.
Ended up washing what she came in ( usually rags) to send her back home in.

I would go with a PP’s suggestion of having them shower + put back the clothes they had when they arrived.
I would also have a quick look into their bags to make sure they are not taking clothes with them. So yes, you might still be a couple of underwear/tshirts down but at least you’ll be able to keep the larger items.