To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

Sounds like they are very insecure if they are smuggling out their own possessions. Do you or your DH talk to their mother? If so could you discuss what is going on with clothes and personal items, is it her or is it them? Don't buy expensive small items and keep the best clothes at your house.

I love them. I’m not keen on spending hundreds every month to re-buy clothes.

It will be because they’ll have worn the nice clothes around the house for the last few days if they’re anything like my son. And changed several times a day, so you’re baffled why they’ve got not clothes when you’ve just done a huge load of laundry. Then despite knowing that they’re supposed to be going to their other parent, they’ll not tell you they’re running low on clothes and you won’t know until they turn up at the door wearing a scuba diving outfit, in the style of Rhys Ifans in Nottting Hill. And you’ll have to go with it because there’s no time to deal with it.

1. He would, but as we have shared finances this would end up costing me more because they’d end up coming home with fun stuff, not what they need. Which then impacts my household finances even more

Fun stuff instead of what they need???

When they've gone shopping with a fully grown responsible parent?

Honestly, it's not a SC problem or your DH's ex problem that you have.

You've actually married a child who takes no responsibility for the children he's produced.

I’d sit the SC down, describe the situation (we buy £50 trainers etc etc only to be never seen again, it is madness) and set the boundaries - if you do not bring back your things, I will buy cheap used things in charity shops/ Primark/Temu, and you will be wearing them until you start bringing things back home. We are not made of money. You can bring everything to the other two houses, fine, that obviously means you have nothing here. End of.

There is something else going on if they are smuggling clothes under their normal clothes and hiding them in school bags. You should have put that in your op. As above, my dc go between houses and they don’t do that. If they did, I’d assume they were being neglected at their dad’s house and he didn’t have any clothes for them, in which case I would try to get to the bottom of it. But the children are right, the clothes do belong to them, not to a particular house.

This is their mum’s perspective, and I get it. Ideally they’d have equally nice clothes in both houses and it wouldn’t matter. But I’m buying packs of socks and underwear every month, and I’d say about half the clothes we have bought are actually in our house right now. I don’t think it’s fair that we’re responsible for paying to stock their mum and grandma’s house.

sounds like there are piles of clothes at their home, quite normal
i would stress less
buy less

Oh don’t exaggerate

What’s going on is their mum doesn’t buy anything new or nice for them, she doesn’t keep up with laundry (they’ve turned up without pants on regular occasions as there’s none clean) and their house is cluttered.

But none of that is illegal or something that can be changed by us. Their mum is very defensive and not open to discussing the matter.

There are at their mum and grandma’s!

My kids packed a bag with clothes when they went to dad’s house.

Every time you pick them up, I would start sending them back to the house for suitable shoes or whatever. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to learn this skill. If they are able to put stuff in their bag to go home then they are able to put stuff in their bag to go to dad’s house.

I would tell them to leave stuff at your house if they really can’t pack a bag each time. It might make them think. Otherwise you’re going to have to pretend things are in the wash so they are there for next time.

I share this sentiment.

Stop buying clothes when they already have them!
Definitely stop doing silly things like buying trainers you can't afford every 3 months.
If they turn up without their clothes, take them back round to their mums to pick their clothes up?

The 11 year old is old enough to sit down and talk to about this, and get on board with a plan. The 8 year old is young enough to follow instruction.

It’s shit for the kids but you are absolutely right to resent this.

Whatever their ages I would bet she knows exactly what she's doing unless she is incapable of seeing that the clothes they leave her house wearing are unsuitable. The new clothes from the OP's house are probably worn on all other occasions at her own house!

So stop doing it then.

Tell their mum to pack a bag for them for the weekend. Send it all back to her with them.

That really, really is the easiest way all round.

I used to do it with ds. If his dad had something planned, like swimming or something, he’d let me know and I would stick in a swimming costume. He’d come back with his bag and I’d stick it all in the wash. There was no need to keep any clothes at his dads house.

It’s nice to buy children clothes occasionally, but they are for them.

And hundreds each month on clothes? Ds is an adult now, but I have two younger ones, 5 and 12 and I don’t spend hundreds in an entire year on the pair of them.

How do they get to your house?
You need to start checking at the time, do they have coats and shoes? Do they have hiking stuff or swimming stuff if needed.
If the clothes are at mum's house, go get them. Don't go to the shops and buy more!

How do you know she doesn’t keep up with laundry this is just your opinion right rather than fact? You sound extremely bitter and resentful. I am a step mum too by the way but my girls also have a step mum. I have an amazing relationship with my husbands ex wife clothes missing? Toys broken, gadgets lost, homework not done or done, not liking food I cook, loving other food I cook. Let the kids be kids for god sake. You’re buying this stuff not them. If you don’t like buying it then stop.

Rubbish, if she didn't like them she wouldn't be buying stuff for them. She certainly doesn't like the free-loading mother, with good reason.

Them turning up not wearing clean underwear is an issue I would speak to school about, if the DC are arriving at school in unsuitable clothing too then they may act on it.

In the meantime ask the DC to pack a bag to bring with them and retain some of their clothing at yours sending them back in what they arrive in. Stop buying lots of branded goods until the situation has improved.

If the mum can’t provide clean pants for them then you have bigger issues than a few fancy clothes disappearing.

I wouldn’t allow my children to go to their dad’s house if he was incapable of washing pants.

I feel your pain OP!!

2 DSC (and I have 2 DC myself too) - DSC here 50% of the time. We had a spate a while ago where everything was at Mums - we had weekends where DSD wouldn’t even have a pair of shoes other than her school shoes. No leggings, no tops, no coat in the dead of winter.

DH had a very stern word with his ex and a lot came back. We’ve also had to drum into the kids that if they don’t have clothes/shoes here then they wear what they do have - school shoes for example. It’s the only way they seem to learn to organise themselves. They have now started to bring things back with them, though not everything

DPs ex often sends the kids with dirty washing too - not kidding. We’ve also had it that she has dropped the kids off after their holidays or a weekend away with her and left their entire holiday suitcase with us and when we’ve asked why - she’s apparently too busy to wash it!!!!! All the LOLs - I mean with 4 kids in the house and working full time I’ve bags of time to spare. I have been known to go absolutely nuclear on occasion.

Surely Watches and Jewellery are gifts, therefore the children's to take with them where they want and use them as they want. Once given they are nothing to do with you anymore.

Its awfully controlling to buy stuff and then insist it can only be used a certain way (which limits its use) by the recipient. As for clothes kids need to wear clothes 24/7 not just during visitation hours. It comes down to two things really, either they HAVE clothes at their mothers (in which case she is probably equally as irritated by you constantly sending more clutter over to her house) or they don't have clothes at their mothers in which case you what? want them to go without to draw lines in the sand of the custody agreement (which is nothing to do with you)?

Buying kids stuff isn't tit for tat and not a place to petty and weaponize custody, its about the children.

Really custody and providing should not be your duty, its your husbands.

So don’t. When they whinge about new clothes, have their father tell them they already have new clothes, and if they want to wear them when they are with you, they must bring them when they come. He needs to be the adult in the room and deal with it with their mother if it becomes a problem.

If “she sends them” in clothes then they aren’t making decisions about what they wear, which means you can do the same.

Their mother with all the fancy cars and holidays (why is it always those things?) is not your responsibility, it’s up to their father to deal with the situation.