To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

I agree with others, keep as much as you can at your house.

But I also think it’s only likely to last a few more years as soon the kids will be dressing themselves- and either way they are wearing the stuff you are buying- so I wouldn’t make this a massive issue with the mum. Plus don’t underestimate how much kids can lose at that age- my kids get through things like fleeces, socks, water bottles, caps etc like nothing on earth.

I personally also don’t tolerate all of this “I must wear new expensive designer clothes”- plenty of my kids’ things come from Matalan, Peacocks etc or second hand off ebay/ vinted, so there really isn’t a need to be spending a fortune anyway.

Hiking clothes - tell them that as they're not needed at their mums, they must stay at yours. And if they want to take them home, and they "lose" them, then same consequences fr MY children when they lose nice clothes carelessly - I won't buy more and any replacemetns are a) cheapos adn b) paid for by them. Some loss is normal and to be expected, but my children understand the odd mistake leading to lost clothing is one thing, consistent carelessness has consequences.

And/or message mum before a hike to ask if she can please make sure the hiking layers come back as you have plans that weekend.

Socks and underwear - remind them that they need to bring some back if they're not going to leave it behind. I dont' really understand how it's all going missing unless they're packing it with them to take back to theirmums as otherwise it shold be a fairly consistent rotation of mixed socks and underwear.

I get how frustrating this is but it seems to me that you can be more proactive and provide actual guidance that children of this age should be able to follow.

All the LOLs - I mean with 4 kids in the house and working full time I’ve bags of time to spare. I have been known to go absolutely nuclear on occasion.

Have you ever been known to make their dad do his kid's washing on occasion?

That’s a big reach!!

FGS, step parents can’t win on here. OP’s already said she’s happy to and enjoys buying the clothes for them - but that doesn’t mean her and her husband have got an unlimited budget.

She’s getting berated for not making her husband sort it out, yet if she did, she’d probably be accused of not caring.

We had a similar issue with my son, only our house was his main house. He used to come back without things that he liked (football shirts etc). There wasn’t much we could do though because he mostly wore them on a weekend and that was when he saw his dad - though it wasn’t even every other weekend so there were times I’d have to go and pick his favourite things up.

so grandma is also disorganised?

You can't really blame them for being clever enough to figure out that taking their nice things home to keep there (where they don't get as much) means that dad and stepmum replace everything and they get twice/three times as much. From your posts, they obviously really enjoy shopping and buying, so it's an easy way to get it to carry on. I can guarantee if you were replacing the branded trainers with some £15 ones from primark or a pair of plimsolls, it wouldn't happen so often. Kids aren't stupid. I'm not criticising them at all, they are children, but they've got playing you lot down. Mum isn't washing expensive trainers, so they are not getting lost in disorganisation or in a laundry pile.

DH has previously asked their mum to send a bag of clothes, she said no as he should provide everything they need on his time (which is fair enough, I think).

I don’t know what we’ll do when they’re teenagers. I imagine the contact schedule will tip to favour their mum’s so maybe they can pack a bag and we give them an extra allowance.

Also if they’re smuggling the clothes back and you suspect she’s not keeping up with washing or buying them clothes, I think I would prefer them to take the stuff with them TBH. Horrible for the kids otherwise.

But I wouldn’t be buying designer stuff in the first place- it would be good eBay/ second hand or decent high street so this might solve the issue anyway.

Clothes for your shared child should be bought from shared funds, but clothes for your husband's children should be bought from his personal money surely?

I think your answer is that you're going to HAVE to check bags and school bags before they leave. They are 100% young enough for you still to do that.

I don't see any other option. If they are 'sneaking' things then they know it's wrong and you two as their parents need to address it.

I 100% wouldn't have this and I haven't in the past. At 15 and 17 I will still check through my step-children's bags to make sure they have everything one way or the other, or to add things in that they've forgotten etc. I'm just very matter of fact about it now - "Oh, those sliders and pjs stay here so they're ready for you when you come back." "Oh, I'll pop that jacket in the wash so it's ready for our walk next weekend." etc. etc. Super consistent, no drama, very calm.

It's rubbish for the kids going between houses for sure, but you just need to take control of this situation in my opinion given how much it's happening (and this is said with love and care as I know it's very hard!).

Fully agree! I don’t think their mum cares.

I think the problem is a) the particular way OP and husband have set up family finances and b) the relationship between OP and ex.

You can't have one set of kids in Primark gear and the others in better branded goods. But it's irritating if the branded stuff ends up in another house, and it can't easily be returned. Asking relatively young kids to take entire responsibility for possessions and ensuring they always have everything packed up, does put pressure on them - when they already have the pressure on moving between two homes. (Saying they should be able to do what they like with their own stuff, it's up to them etc, is a more appropriate line to take with teenagers who are in the business of learning to look after kit for secondary school etc.)

I think it would make a lot more sense for the kid's father to take responsibility for buying clothing for all his children, as then he might be more proactive about the difficulties re this situation.

The OP can take over responsibility for something else - eg car insurance, a particular bill etc.

I

This is the best solution given the situation.

This too shall pass.
Sympathy.

If their mum isn't keeping up with washing then that's not nice for the kids. What can they do to help this? Do you have washing time for an extra load at the weekend? For the kids.

Actually I’m more than happy to take charge of sticking our washing in! Not that I need to justify this to anyone but DP is an emergency services shift worker and it’s not as easy for him to fit in whereas I can get a full wash load done and hung out before I head out to work. It works for us. I just don’t appreciate DPs ex adding to my pile and for that he steps in to fight my argument with her.

This sounds enormously stressful for them. How must it feel to grow up with the choice between "smuggling" your own clothes and possessions or wearing grotty clothes full of holes that your own stepmum sneers at.

Sending back in the clothes they came in would at least stem the tide. Shoes and coats you could unobtrusively "police" - one nice pair of trainers & one coat by the front door, check they are still in situ as they leave the house. But poor kids. What it must do your self esteem at 11 to have to keep 2 separate wardrobes because essentially your dad and stepmum don't trust you not to lose everything they buy you. (And I totally get why you can't trust them with their own clothes, but it must still feel absolutely rotten to them, no matter how much you blame their mum.)

Assuming you do the laundry

Hiking gear/base layers etc. Once they’ve been washed put them away where the children can’t access it - e.g somewhere in your bedroom.

New clothes. I’d stop buying branded stuff as a replacement. Just buy non-branded gear. If they want to wear branded gear, they’ll need to start bringing it with them.

Absolutely this. I don't understand why it's such a problem? Explain to them that clothes and trainers you buy will stay at your house and they can return with what they come with.
Is the mother selling the stuff like watches and trainers? I would no longer give her that option.

Can you ask the children what has happened to their stuff?
I wouldn't be putting up with this.

I get what you're saying but it's only 'your' pile because you choose it to be.

There are plenty of single parents in the emergency services who manage to take care of their children's laundry.

This is the most bollocks excuse I’ve ever heard for someone not doing the laundry. My DH is also an emergency worker he does the laundry as much as I do. He strips beds, cleans, does pick ups, drop offs, club runs, walks our 3 dogs and still does shifts!! It sounds like you’re family set up is the one that needs a bit more help. You’re frustrated at the mother when actually she hasn’t done anything.

The hiking stuff is easily solved. Everyone changes out of the hiking stuff and has a shower when they come home. You wash the hiking stuff and put it somewhere they can't access.

They return to their mother's house in the clothes they came in. You check bags and if you find "smuggled" stuff just say sorry, it needs to stay here for the next time you are here otherwise you won't have anything to wear when you are here.

Exactly.

Fine if all these women want to run around washing their SC's clothes etc.

But they're NOT running around after the SC and they're NOT running around after the ex wife.

They're running around after the man they live with, who 'delegates' these things to the woman he now lives with.

They probably want the good stuff to wear in their everyday life when they’re at their main house bless them. I don’t know what to suggest, maybe just start binning the holy / too small stuff when they’re take it off so it’s not an option to send them to you in it.

When we got married, we agreed to joint finances and on the whole I’m happy with it (I earn more and we put all leftover money into a joint savings account at the end of the month). But increasingly I am starting to resent this issue and am wondering if I should say it has to be paid by DH now.

We had SC for October half term, and had to buy new wellies for one, new coat for another, new base layers, socks and pants for both due to the activities we had planned. That cost about £175 I hadn’t budgeted for, to replace things I had already bought, or we wouldn’t be able to do the planned activities.

Their mum was on holiday so we couldn’t get anything from her house.

Thats £175 that should have been spent on our household or put in our savings.

As a step-mum, I do sympathise with some of what you say. It is annoying to buy them nice things only to never see them again. We have had this many, many times.

However, I don't see why on earth you would have to spend any money at all, never mind "hundreds" each month to buy them new clothes?! They're not turning up naked?! I'm sure you have some clothes of theirs at your house if they are there 30% of the time. So just let them wear what they want and if they look scruffy then so be it!

I think you're massively exaggerating this problem tbh and yeah, it doesn't sound like you really like your SC at all...

Also, they're not "smuggling" anything. They like the stuff you buy them and want to wear it outside of your house so they take it with them. They aren't open about it as they probably know they'll get told off....