To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

Feel your stress OP - had exactly the same experience with SCs turning up in too small/impractical clothes and new ones disappearing only to be returned months later looking like rags (or just not at all).
I'm not sure if this has been suggested, but it sounds like even if the kids wanted to bring the new clothes you'd bought for them back again, they would still be sitting in a pile of washing that hasn't been done yet, back at their mum's - and let's face it, what 8 or 11 y/o keeps tabs on the washing? If that is the case though, they might feel embarrassed to admit it or raise it with their mum or you/DH for fear of repercussions (they may feel conflicted about potentially ratting out mum's lack of laundry routine, or they may be fearful if you/DH raises it and she gets angry with them in response).
As far as others saying that the SCs are 'old enough to understand' yadda yadda, don't forget that they are still at an age when they entirely reliant on all three parents to 'make the rules' at the moment. There is no playbook for this kind of stuff, and coming from a blended family both as a SC and a step-parent, I think it would probably also be fair to say that the kids are just going with the status quo and naturally wanting to take home their nice stuff to wear again, as they spend more time at their mums and will have more opportunity to wear it.
Given all that, I would agree that your DH needs to sit down with them (maybe separately, as sometimes siblings clam up in front of each other as they worry they need to 'protect' one another, or their mum) to have a chat and see if he can unpick what is going on at home. It's an awkward conversation to have, but this is what neglect can sometimes looks like, even if their mum is remarried or doesn't work - and it needs addressing.
In the meantime, all you can do is keep on keeping on - you seem to really care about more than just the financial impact this is having, so if it was me, I'd focus on how this might be the tip of an emotional iceberg, especially for the 11y/o who will probably have already noticed what's going on, but doesn't know how to approach it.
As others have already mentioned, branded clothes take on an enormous significance at this age, and being asked to change out of and then leave their lovely new gear at home with you can also feel humiliating if they don't understand the reasons why, especially if they don't actually have any clean, decent clothes at home. If it means that DH has to shame the DC's mum into doing the right thing by calling out the behaviour, then he should - every. single. time... until she gets the message. I think your SCs will appreciate it in the long run, OP.

New trainers every three months! They’re both in adult sizes and want £50 pairs each time

The 8 year old has adult size feet?

Stop buying them £50 trainers. Replace with cheaper own brands (H&M do decent trainers as do George) and stop indulging the whole "label / branded" nonsense. They are 11 and 8!!!

Sixe 1 is adult size. Normal for that age id assume. DGS is 8 and size 2

Size 1 is junior size (depending on where you look maybe?)

I am a size 4 and I always buy from the kids range as opposed to the adults as its cheaper.

My 11yo has only just gone into a size 2. Although she is petite and there are definitely some kids in her class in proper adult sizes with no option to buy in the kids range.

My point was though why does the OP need to spend so much on trainers when presumably the 8yo at least could still have kids trainers.

I know this would be a hassle but can you just put enough pants / socks / tops / jeans for them to wear for the time they are there in their drawers and keep the rest somewhere else…. Let on they need washing or ironing.

Maybe have a family cupboard for the thermal layers / specialist things so they don’t get a chance to take them home.

Buy cheap stuff from Primark and get them to put their good stuff in the wash before they go by saying it’s dirty and so they have no choice but to wear what they came in or cheaper stuff home.

Or they are old enough to explain to. Just get their dad to say you can’t keep replacing things so mummy buys things for her house and daddy and you buy things for your house and you keep getting in a pickle because they are getting mixed up so can they please leave daddy and bonus mums things at your house.

It's a hassle for sure but might mean you keep more things.

Hope some of that might work - it’s not an easy situation, I know.

We had this when my step kids were little. They would be dressed in very scruffy clothing usually to small or jeans to short for them despite my husband paying child support (above CSA amount) every month. In the end we purchased clothes and shoes but they weren’t allowed to go back to their mums house in them.

My friend has this situation but the other way round. She buys the nice clothes and they end up staying at dad’s house who has them every other weekend. By the time she gets them back they are no good and the ones they come back in aren’t anything she would normally dress the kids in.

I think for the people defending the mum, how would you feel if you kept buying branded school uniform and your kids went to school every week and came back without something or wearing someone else’s? It would start to irritate after a while. This is no different really.

In the years that you had the SC over but didn’t have your own child OP, did you not ever think - cripes, do I really want to bring a child in to this family where money that could go to my child is going to others?

one of the many many many reasons why I will never ever blend families

Although if your child is 4
and his youngest is 8
i don’t suppose you had much involvement before you fell pregnant yourself?!

For those saying to send them home in what they came in - sounds like they come to their dad’s straight from school (which may also limit what they can bring, if they need to keep it in a school locker or peg during the day)

The eight year old has size 3 feet. I was quoting a previous poster who suggested we buy new trainers every three months… We don’t.

Oh I totally get how fucking frustrating it is.

i just think they're old enough to be told to change before they go back to mums.

warm under clothing for hiking stays at yours & is put in the wash when they get showered/changed.

ask where things like watches are when they first turn up without them. They're old enough to be responsible for their things & having them where they're needed.

you (both) need to stay on top if it & make the kids responsible for their things/clithing/shies etc.

How near us their mums place?

if it's near make a pest of yourselves stopping there to collect anything reasonable. Dressy clothes, jackets, shoes etc

make them change into their inappropriate clothing to go home. It won't hurt them.

you (two) are the ones who will have to get change to happen.

its shit, but unfortunately sometimes you just have to be firm & wade through it.

keep in mind there are reasons their relationship didn't work & most of the time these reasons make co parenting difficult xx

So 'systematically swap (back) out'

i don't know what you want anyone to say. For a change, we've all said much the same thing.

why is this solution not ok for you?

If at 8 and 11 you think they are old enough to demand £50 trainers and branded clothes then they are old enough to understand what happens when the lose/smuggle the clothes home never to be seen again.

To echo a pp there is nothing wrong with supermarket or primark clothing especially when dc grow so rapidly.

I would say this isn’t the hill to die on - just breezily tell your dc if their new items go missing then they won’t be replaced until you and their dad decide.

I tell mine ex likes to see in the clothes he buys so go back wearing them please...i lay them out on the bed ready.
If they came to me in school clothes/shoes theyd return in them...just say mum cant be loosing school stuff so put in on to go back please.

They are 8& 11. You can check their bags discreetly before they return. If they say anything just say oh i think you packed those things by mistake, i've put them in the wash now so theyll be clean for next time. Big smile 🙂 no negotiating.
Am expert after 6 years of it 🙄

Yes thats agood point. Wellies, raincoats, base layers, bathers etc are boxed in airing cupboard & garage and only come out when needed.

Trying to limit clothes in bedroom would work - could you put 1 outfit out each day for them?
Could you work that?

I'd definitely be buying nice things only the first time. Any replacements that are needed before they would have grown out of them are the cheapest you can get.

And checking the whereabouts of the expensive coats, base layers etc before they leave, and getting them to get dressed back into the clothes they came in where possible.

Can you be diligent about picking up dirty laundry when they're home so they can't pack it?

Get DH to speak to mum that only essentials will be bought and they won't be branded until the situation resolves itself.

It will keep happening if you keep replacing the stuff that never returns.

I would buy basic wellies. Have spare basic coats. Turn up bare legged - have some leggings spare. Turn up with just a t shirt - have a basic jumper/hoodie spare.

Also, educate them. You love that they love what you buy for them but they can't be replaced all the time. Explain the cost. If you don't this could lead to very spoilt teenagers. Tell them they need to start bringing with them clothes that they want to wear if they are not going to leave them at your house. Suggest they put their bags together at home with clothes they want to wear.

OP, you don’t like your SC’s mum very much, do you?

Why are you making this your problem? They’re not your kids.

I wouldn’t be surprised if once they get the choice they stay at their mum’s more tbh. You sound awful and clearly like slagging off their mum.