To be annoyed with the one-way transit to SC’s mum’s house

[SCProb]

SC are with us 5 nights in 14, so “main house” is their mum’s.

I’m getting really fed up of the one-way transit of stuff to their mum’s. I’m buying new packs of pants and socks every month, anything small like jewellery or watches are smuggled off and never seen again, anything valuable like trainers or fancy clothes immediately disappears. Clothes worn back are of the second-hand holey Primark variety and left here, which means there’s constant moaning about wanting new clothes and having nothing to wear. And on a selfish note they look like complete scruffbags when we take them out, despite us spending loads on them!

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

Do you have children?

Did you not notice they were leaving your house wearing the hiking stuff though?

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

why would you be tackling anything?

Send them to change back into what they came in - even if it’s unsuitable ( I guess you drive them ? Perhaps not )

Check their bags before they leave? If you don't want the stuff going to the mums house that's the only way you can do it.

No because it’s under layers. And small stuff seems to go via school bags. Anything like stationery, books, small toys ends up mysteriously disappearing.

I don’t think their mum is selling it, but their house is cluttered and she’s not on top of laundry. I think it’s just piling up. Their mum gets a lot of bin bags of second hand clothes for her friends and passes them on to other friends (which is also annoying as it means nothing is getting handed down to our youngest)

Yes, DH and I have a younger child (4) whose clothing costs are negligible compared to SC

Sounds like you need to be a bit more proactive then.

They aren’t small children, so you just have to be clear with them if they moan about needing new trainers or watches or whatever that they had those things recently so they need to remember where they left them.

Their dad should be buying them nice clothes regardless of where they wear those nice clothes: if they wear them when at their mum’s, they’re still benefitting from the clothes, it shouldn’t be that they have to wear the clothes whichever parent bought when with that parent. Anything like hiking stuff you just ask them to leave with you, because it’s for an activity you do together. Honestly, them looking a bit scruffy is just something you’ll have to let go of, when they’re teens they’ll wear all sorts of interesting get ups that you just have to learn to say nothing about.

You make no mention at all re how your husband is dealing with this issues regarding HIS children and HIS ex

With the 11 year old I would definitely be setting up a monthly budget for her to buy clothing of her choice. Trainers I would say a new pair every 3 months. (It’s a while since I bought footwear for kids so not sure if that’s reasonable).
Make this exciting and the younger one will want to join in. Once a month take them shopping and have fun. Maybe lunch out too.
Teaching spending limits is good for kids. I used to give mine their portion of the family allowance for clothes but coats, footwear and school uniform remained my responsibility.
Be firm that no other clothing will be bought outside of the budget. My dc could buy a top and jeans every month or save up to buy a more expensive brand if that’s what they wanted.
Once old enough they liked to go with their friends rather than me but by then they were pretty savvy with their money.
Honestly, it worked brilliantly.
You might need to remind to bring that lovely top they bought last week as they looked so lovely in it etc
Get a cheap waterproof coat that stays at your house so they’re never without but if they’ve got a preferred one at mums they’ll start to remember it.
The sense of (managed by you) control does wonders for kids, teaches budgeting and gives them an internal sense of stability in what can be a difficult world. You will also feel less frustrated about the situation.

Could be selling them on vinted

I’m not surprised given the age difference and children start to care what they wear and brands

Not the op

Her husband

their father

How can I tackle this without looking really petty?

You don't, you leave it to their dad to tackle.

And as suggested very early in the thread, he needs to make sure they're travelling home in the clothes they arrived in.

Just send them back in the clothes they came in. I can’t believe you have that many missing clothes if they are only with you 5 nights a fortnight. Tbh it doesn’t sound malicious, more like their mum is struggling to keep on top of everything. It’s hard to be a single parent on one income and juggling everything.

New trainers every three months! They’re both in adult sizes and want £50 pairs each time…

I like your suggestion, but that’d cost £400 a year in trainers alone. A monthly shopping trip for an outfit each with lunch would easily be another £130 a month. Plus there’s no much which isn’t “fun” so they wouldn’t choose it - pyjamas, coats, wellies, school clothes, sports clothes, underwear… We don’t have the budget to spend 2k a year on their fun clothes, on top of buying everything else they need and 6k on maintenance.

She’s not a single parent, she’s remarried and a SAHM.

Also my children are 10 and 7, so similar ages and I don’t spend £50 on trainers for them. It’s not necessary

Your husband needs to talk to her. Does he?

You sound like my DDd step mum which frankly has been an awful experience. There’s nothing wrong with kids wearing Primark clothes. It’s not your issue or concern to be involved in either. My girls now have 2 separate wardrobes at each house things go missing and vice versa it’s hardly a life changing issue. Step mum now refuses to let me wash the belongings from their house as she “doesn’t like my smell” please don’t let bittnerness get the better of you the mum is their mum regardless of the annoyances.

Really weird how you don’t clarify what, if anything, your husband has said or done about this

And the fact I have to buy everything for SC twice+ before it’s grown out of

Do

It's your husbands problem to solve. If it inconveniences him enough he can fix it.

The clothes need replaced from his own bank account, not the joint one. He needs to drive his kids back to their home with instructions to go in and get XYZ.

He also needs to teach them how to select clothes for the weather and how to plan what items to bring.

They have two parents, don't give it headspace.