Exasperated with nip screw husband.

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

WE need a new dishwasher update please

Had dishwasher just over a week. I prefer the old one - I could get more in it. I will wangle to get my money back into my savings after Christmas

Had a great week. H was away.

They set off back home yesterday morning but had to turn back because of road conditions/closures, so I had an extra day of peace. Although I'm sure he could've gone the longer way round and got to clearer roads within the hour. He's due to get home any minute. I'm at my daughter's today so won't see him (apart from on the ring doorbell when he arrives home ) - he'll be in bed by the time I get back.

I'm up and out early tomorrow for the day so won't see him until evening.

Wonder how long he'll be amenable for this time? He was in great spirits when I spoke to him yesterday (child-like even) - as he'd already decided to have another night away. Oh and his father will have been with him - he speaks more nicely to me in public.

Hey ho.

Does he know about the dishwasher?

No matter how much he does with them it will affect them. What makes it worse is him saying they will get worse at school

Does he realise that he thinks doing the same is ok. Comparing himself to a primary school child that has little self control and a bullying nature isn’t something to be proud of.
He is ok with his GC getting bullied during and after school

All those names he calls them and you. Telling them they are stupid or an idiot and you have a flagrant disregard for money. These things all chip away at a persons self esteem and confidence.

Think about the courage it took you to buy a new dishwasher against his wishes.

You might feel confident but ultimately the years of abuse have taken their toll even on you.
In the meantime he is giving away thousands and spending money on what he wants

I think you need to divorce for several reasons.
Your GC shouldn’t be hearing this abuse

You shouldn’t be managing his outbursts. Whilst the old him might put in an appearance every now and then. But waiting around for that brief glimpse of what he was like is not a way to live your life.
And also just to preserve your money as over the years he will spend and give away most of what you have.

It does sound like he doesn’t care about anything or anyone beyond his own wants and needs.

Probably the reason he couldn’t source the spare part he needed was because the machine is so old

It was plumbed in and working before he went away.

@FairKoala whilst I try and shield the grandchildren as much as I can and I instantly defend them, I can't stop his outbursts.

I wonder if his main problem is fear, which triggers anger - he had a frozen elephant trunk procedure and he is genuinely convinced he could die any second. It must make him angry.

Sometimes I feel sorry for him and it's such a shame - other times ....

Thing is, however sad, however understandable, you have to protect yourself and the GCs.

Oxygen mask and all that.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche sorry but I disagree with ‘he is genuinely convinced he could die any second. It must make him angry.’ Wait a minute - if you thought you were going going to die any second, would you go around saying horrible things to the people closest to you? Day after day after day?? No? I didn’t think so….
Stop making excuses for him.

You may try to instantly defend your GC but the damage has already been done. The only defence against their gf’s abuse is NC

I agree with goody2shooz

Stop making excuses and step back and look at what he is doing and saying through the eyes of a stranger who is witnessing this
for the first time

Oh and his father will have been with him - he speaks more nicely to me in public

So he has control over how he behaves.

I think you need to stop making excuses for him. Stop thinking that it is because of his surgery.
It isn’t.

I think you are still seeing him as the man you married. That man has left the building, he might or might not return but he isn’t going to stay. The man you are married to is financially and verbally abusive.

You talk about how much the GC love him and all they do with him.
Is there a pattern to his abuse.
He abuses them, then when he thinks he has gone too far does he does something nice with them so they like him again and just as they are letting their guard down he abuses them again.

I think you are in danger of losing your children and GC over your inability to divorce someone who is abusing them.
Your children will one day say enough and walk away and stop you from seeing your GC because whilst it is their father who is abusing them you are pandering to him and putting them in the firing line of the abuse and no amount of defending can stop him abusing them.
I think your dc not talking about Christmas Day is a sign they are really thinking about a way out of not being around their angry abusive father on Christmas Day
Who wants to go to someone’s house where they know that them and their dc will be abused and you have spent £££s and multiple hours choosing the perfect gifts only for it to descend into an argument caused by one person.