Page 11 | Exasperated with nip screw husband.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 2025-11-13T11:18:29+00:00

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father. But he's a nip screw husband. The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical). This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down. It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess. I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'. There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man. Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic? Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

Mikki77 · 14/11/2025 19:57

Tell your DD you want a dishwasher for Christmas xx

Sandflea9900 · 14/11/2025 20:00

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/11/2025 12:14

@Mix56

I usually get clothes (treat myself) Christmas and birthdays. Can't remember when we stopped doing presents for each other. Hairdresser - every 6 weeks. He drives an old Audi A6 and has vans (and motor bikes), I have a new Toyota CHR and a little black Porsche with very little mileage as I mainly have the grandchildren with me.

He's just left to go pick up a new bicycle for our grandson which he's bought on a whim - don't even know if he's grown out of his current one. But he won't pick up a dishwasher which happens to be in stock and closer than the bike shop.

There's nothing he can't mend - he's brilliant really. Will happily do anything for everyone - apart from me.

I once used my friend's phone to call him - a 'plumber' (although he was a gas engineer) to come and mend my shower. He said he'd drop in after 6pm on his way home from work until I gave him our address when he promptly told me to F Off.

It's me - isn't it?

It is very much him and not you. Please do not allow this man to make you think that it’s your fault in some way. It is not.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/11/2025 20:12

Okay normally I’d say leave the bastard, but if there’s a medical cause it might be worth trying to see if you can do something about it first. Does he know he’s changed? There might be some sort of talking therapy or CBT that could help him.

Themaghag · 14/11/2025 20:13

katepilar · 13/11/2025 16:33

That doesnt make sense. If a part is broken and can be replaced to make it function again then it is waste to throw away. This applies even if its a second part that broke.

Show quote history

You've completely missed the main thrust of this thread haven't you? The dishwasher issue is the least important part of it - read all of the OP's posts.

JennyBG · 14/11/2025 20:15

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/11/2025 11:40

@moita
Most of our money is in joint accounts - but I've always asked to spend larger amounts (he doesn't) - he bought a boat without my knowledge recently.

He has been known to send stuff that I've bought back. I'd be embarrassed if I had to arrange for a new dishwasher to be collected.

But I'm not washing the dishes! And I'm not caving in! I will stand firm!

My own money is in savings which cannot be accessed easily.

I don't want a fancy, more expensive model - just a good basic make will do. And I can't see another lasting as long as this one has.

He says I'm extravagant - which couldn't be further from the truth. The current dishwasher is the first one I'd ever had, I refuse to go back to dishwashing by hand.

He actually bought a BOAT without you knowing??? And he’s begrudging you a dishwasher? Is he an electrical engineer? Is he a plumber? If he’s neither of these I can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

SuffolkBargeWoman · 14/11/2025 20:21

Sam9769 · 14/11/2025 19:45

LOL, He sounds fine to me. Recently, the sole on one of my hiking boots started to come away from the shoe and DH offered to glue it back on for me!!
See, he could be a lot worse!
Love your very amusing and well written post😀

Jeez @Sam9769 have you RTFT??

MissDoubleU · 14/11/2025 20:31

I know it’s not the point but I’ve extensively googled to find out what the fuck OP means by “nip screw” as to being tight. Google just leads back to this post.

Essentially, it’s not a thing. At all. Moving on.

Gowlett · 14/11/2025 20:45

Bought a boat? Da fuq?

sbplanet · 14/11/2025 20:47

Leave him. He won't miss you.

Hoipers · 14/11/2025 21:05

Reach out to Women's aid.
Abuse can start at any point inna relationship.
You need to protect yourself from him.

Original poster

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 14/11/2025 21:11

Nip screw is northern possibly - my grandma used to say it as well as my mum and dad. Dad used to say it was about having to use a spanner to get a coin out of someone's hand.

I ordered my dishwasher this morning - my son picked it up for me late afternoon and I've just filled it for the third time - one more load should clear the worktops and I can have a wipe around.

H didn't bat an eyelid - probably laughing at me because I used my savings and not the joint account.

I prefer my old dishwasher - DS was saying that apparently father couldn't get the part he needed and he was still trying to source one before buying new. This lovely new one feels smaller. It's the same make as before.

The grandchildren ate off paper plates this morning and thought it was great. They had a good day at school and afterwards we watched our local news to try to watch our DGS's reception class doing a sponsored three legged walk - all 30 second long clip of it.

H has been his usual jolly self - swearing when my son was making a din fitting the dishwasher, calling DGS names when he didn't eat his meal - he has ARFID - I had to resort back to safe foods but always try him with a family meal first. Swearing because I wasted money treating my son and me to fish and chip delivery although he's spent more on his M&S curry and bottle of wine.

H is quiet for now - watching TOTP in his room while DS and I are watching a Christmas film in another.

I've had a good day overall - I've no idea how to let the foul mouthed abuse go over my head and stop taking it personally - but I now really dislike hearing any swear word, even the mild ones make me feel sick - I've heard too much. When H is amenable - he says he doesn't mean it. He thinks he genuinely can't stop himself from his outrage/outbursts. He says he listens to what comes out of his mouth and it's like it's someone else ranting. He will not consider any counselling - the person that he would have been referred to is my younger daughter's , NDN's daughter - but he doesn't know that. Small world.

The support group that I'm on has many people explaining how wretched they feel, treating their families terribly after they've had adverse effects/brain damage from ICU stays. I think it's these sorts of comments/explanations that keep me here - well that and the fact that I will in no way ever leave my home because I've been forced out. I'm staying - I've got my own pot of money that he can't touch. I need a coat of armour for his insulting/abusive behaviour to bounce off.

Having told you all how crap he is - last month we had a fabulous night at a family party in a local hotel - dancing, singing and laughing with friends and family. It was just like before his surgery. I cannot fathom him .... there are still glimpses of his past personality.

OP posts:

swimsong · 14/11/2025 21:20

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/11/2025 11:45

@OriginalSkang

No idea - where it comes from. Just thought it was in normal use - unless it was just made up by my equally frustrated mother.

I think she's misheard something but can't think what. Maybe skip new?

diddl · 14/11/2025 21:27

If things were that unbearable I wouldn't be staying for a bloody house!

Any happy memories would be tainted now.

I understand though that seeing him occasionally gives hope, that & he really can't help it.

I wouldn't be happy at him not considering counselling though.

99bottlesofkombucha · 14/11/2025 21:29

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 13/11/2025 18:27

@PrizedPickledPopcorn

Aye - all six grandchildren are ND. One DGD has a life changing illness. Another DGD carries this illness. Another DGD has a growth on sinus which we've been told is benign - gives her terrible headaches, it continues to grow. One DGS has espilesy and we get the impression that school can't be bothered with him and will inform us at his next EHCP review in November that they can't meet his needs (also global delay). One DGS has ARFID and is painfully small/thin. One DGS has many meltdowns per day.

I knit daily and I'm learning to crochet. My life is full of medical appointments and hospital visiting. DGD has had more than 15 weeks in hospital in the last 14 or so months.

And to cap off my wonderful day - all three of the DGC I picked up from school paddled through a huge pile of dog dirt plus dog diarrhoea. So three pairs of disgusting shoes. Oh plus worm casts as I told them to wipe their shoes on a grass verge and they ended up mud caked in addition to dog dirt up the fronts and sides of the shoes.

Both my daughters have offered to have me live with them but I would never do that to them. I wouldn't leave my home.

Whenever I ask H to talk about our situation rationally it's never convenient. There's a birthday this weekend so we'll turn up and smile as usual. Straight after he's going to our static caravan for a week of walking with his father - my respite. He refuses to go from Fri - Sun when I can go because the 'site is too busy at weekends' so he only goes late Sun -Fri, so I can't go because I'm taking DGC to school.

We rub along daily, I don't talk to him unless I have to. I go out regularly on evenings with my daughters and with friends - we get dressed up and have a good time. I have a social life now which doesn't include him. I'm not lonely for want of being with people, I'm missing our past social life, lovely meals out, days out at weekends, gardening together, hikes, skiing - it all seems a lifetime away.

If the boot was on the other foot and it was me who had a changed personality/brain damage - I don't know if he would have walked away.

He always said that we'd be the white haired old couple holding hands on the bench, looking out to sea.

It's such a shame - I believed him.

Yes you do know op. He’d have sprinted the fuck away, and you know it. He’s walking away every time he carefully chooses to go to his caravan when you can’t go.

go to your Daughters. Stay, ‘my daughters offered but I can’t do that to them.’ Yes you can, you’re their mum who gives endlessly to support them. Tell him you will no longer live in a house without a dishwasher so you’re off.

I remember your threads. I’m sad you’re still struggling along with him.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/11/2025 21:36

Would he be more open to therapy if he thought your marriage depended on it? You don’t have to put up with this.

Mischance · 14/11/2025 21:39

He says you are extravagant and he bought a boat .......

Vaguelyclassical · 14/11/2025 21:42

I am wondering if this could be a quite separate medical issue. The kind of disinhibition, lack of impulse control, personality change you have been describing is a characteristic of, for example, damage to (or tumors on) the frontal lobe of the brain. I do realize this is miserably unhelpful, but ......

Lunde · 14/11/2025 21:43