Exasperated with nip screw husband.

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

You aren't stupid. But you are prizing 'bricks and sticks' above your own happiness and most especially, your financial security. Why does the house mean so much to you that you're willing to sacrifice your happiness and your financial future for it? Houses are not happiness. It's the lives lived within them that are. And don't say "Oh, there are good times". I know that. DH and I had wonderful times, fabulous times and if I'd stayed I'm sure we would have had them in the future. But those momentary 'good times' would end upburied under the growing slag heap of abuse and sadness.

I've already said upthread that you and I are in very similar positions. The difference is that I decided that our house (3300 sq ft, on 3 acres just to clarify what I've 'given up'), the house we raised our kids in, simply was not worth the abuse and unhappiness I was enduring nor the unhappy future that lay before me. I am much happier in my little flat than I have been in the last 6 months. What will happen to our house? I have no idea, but that's something for down the road. For right now, I'm content to be living in peace and calm and by my own rules. And the knowledge that I have moved 'my share' of the finances to where he can't touch it. And that I'm pursuing legal avenues to see that he never can and that, should he run out 'his share' I will not be liable for his foolishness.

I'm not telling you to leave. That has to be your own decision. I'm just saying to be completely honest as to the ramifications of the choice you have made because things are not going to get better. But more importantly, please don't say 'never' when it comes to leaving your house. Just say 'for now'.

The only way I convinced hubby we really did need a dishwasher when when I got eczema on my hands and handwashing made it so much worse!

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of being the bad guy. I'd waste money alright, by going out to avoid his moodiness.

I'd leave him to come to a decision himself about whether to
a) do the washing up himself,
b) fix the old dishwasher or
c) buy a new one.
He's caused this problem, let him figure out the solution. Show him you're not his handmaiden and won't tolerate his manipulative behaviour (which is designed to get you to back down).

There's loads of places you can go. The leisure centre, the cinema, the library, the pub, a restaurant, a friend's house, horse riding lessons, a pilates class, join the women's institute at the community centre, driving around aimlessly in your car, taking a walk in the last of the daylight, tourist attraction if you live in a big city where things are open late (the London eye is great at night), church service, wandering round the late night opening at the shopping mall.

Anything other than hanging out at home in an atmosphere. Go have fun and live life. Stop trying to fix everything and be all things to all people, including him.

He can't control how you spend your money! And it's for something that benefits you both!
Have you ever asked him why he's so generous with your children and such a tight arse with you? Is he doing it to wind you up?

This is one of the saddest threads I've read in quite a while. Partly because it feels you have accepted this life and won't do what's needed to be happy again.

Please OP, don't put a house ahead of happiness. There are other happy houses to live in.
Don't waste the rest of your life hoping in vain that he'll stop hurting you.
Don't risk the mental health of your grandchildren tip toeing around a man they know they have to keep on side or the nasty side will come out.
Don't wait until you are older and poorer and your physical & mental health is shot, lonely because the children and GC no longer come to see you as H has got even worse. Don't wait to regret your life choices.

Do you really think he can't help it? Does he treat people outside the family like this or can he control it? Is he even trying to get medical advice and help for these outbursts and awful behaviour or is he simply enjoying having everyone dancing around him?

You are not unintelligent, but you are being 'stupid' to hold on to put up with this.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche

Sounds like you've made it his problem. Leave it and don't worry about it. Tell him if he wants dinner he'll have to wash up. Or eat out or order Deliveroo (and eat from the packaging) which isn't cost effective.
He now incentivises himself to get on with the fixing or give up.

I do see where he's coming from, dishwashers aren't cheap. If he can fix it that will save a lot. I suspect he wasn't confident on fixing the old car quite so easily. 'He hates me doesn't he' is a bit melodramatic.

You're doing the right thing making it his problem... see how long he lasts!

I would be getting a LOT of mileage out of that boat. It would be hanging precariously over his head every day, until the day I finally got sick of his tight fisted penny pinching ways.

It's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Order this dishwasher - if he threatens to send it back then back the boat goes too.

Any chance he agreed to the generous car deal for daughter and is now looking for places to cut spending?
if he’s happy to do all the washing up then he can take his time fixing dishwasher.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I have seen similar in my professional life (healthcare). I think movies and TV shows with people waking up from comas and massive trauma with nothing changed have done a lot to mislead us on what it's actually like. I can't say if his personality change will be permanent, but what I will say is that you have to look out for yourself first. Your husband as he was, before all this, would have wanted you to be happy I think, not wanted you to be living on eggshells and being sworn at. And for your husband as he is now, being allowed to behave like this is doing him no favours either. Would he move out for a while if you asked him? It might be good for him to be on his own for a bit and have to face his own behaviour.

Order the dishwasher complete with fitting , and the removal of old one.

“he bought a boat without my knowledge recently”

He ordered a boat? Well, I’d be ordering a Fisher and Paykel dishwasher. Or a Winterhalter under counter!

I think I'd better join you in that! 🤭

She's already got her new dishwasher, installed and in use.

Presumambly its your house too so you can do what you like. Order it, get someone in to install it and put a padlock on it so only you can use it. Do your own cooking and use dishwasher for stuff youve used. All his unwashed stuff he can do himself or look for it in the garage where if i were you i would have put it.

It's possible that your husband's abusive behaviour will never improve. It could get worse. I understand that you do not want to leave your home, but staying with your husband does not sound sustainable. You have so much on your plate with all your DGC and their additional needs, but maybe you should start prioritising your needs a bit more. It really can't be good for you to keep sharing a home with this man. You do not have to do what your dad did - and I bet he was not taking care of a clutch of disabled children whilst caring for your mother.

Please put yourself first for once. It will do you good, and will keep you in good health longer to be able to spend time with your DC and DGC.

@AcrossthePond55 talks a lot of sense, and has been through it herself. Please consider her advice.

@Gair

The surgeon told us that if his personality changes hadn't improved after a year it was most likely permanent.

My dad didn't abandon my mum when she got dementia - he looked after her. And I do think it made him depressed - it was relentless.

I don't know whether my dad, not abandoning my mum, was the right thing to do. I would have been horrified if he'd left her because her health failed. That's most likely my sticking point.

When H is being particularly nasty I have told him to go and leave me in peace - he refuses to leave. There are places that he can go and live - we've had a property become vacant within the last year and I did my best to persuade him that he'd be better off living there. We have a holiday caravan - he does spend a lot of time there to be fair.

I know a pp mentioned Richard Hammond and his personality changes after his accident on Top Gear. I also know they recently split.

I know the saying never say never. I may change my mind one day and leave. I have made real friends here and I do take all advice on board. It's a release for me.

Currently can't sleep for thinking about H telling me that this morning, the football coach was shouting at DGS (5 tomorrow). The coach screamed 'have I told anyone to boot the ball like this?' He kicked the ball far away and then mimicked DGS running after it. Our DGS is hypermobile, low axial tone, global delay and epilepsy. A parent/guardian has to stay pitch side and watch him at football club whereas other parents drop their children off and leave or sit inside the clubhouse (especially when it's raining).

It has upset me and I'm thinking that maybe they don't want him there but don't say it? I get the same impression from his primary school.

I just don't think it's nice for people involved with children to mimic a disability. I'm a bit shocked. I think I should tell my daughter. Of course H says not to.

Of course you should tell your daughter. Any parent would want to know of any issues regarding their child.

He is correct for trying to fix the dishwasher… it could be just one small part that needs replacing. And he is saving a large item from going to landfill!
But I think you two should have your own bank accounts and purchase what you wish from them (bearing the environment in mind).

@SunnyOchreNewt

He fixed the dishwasher a month ago. It didn't last long before it stopped working again. He couldn't source a part which he needed this time. It was old in terms of usage - I suppose nothing lasts forever. I was resenting being without my dishwasher for the second time in a month, it took him ages to get around to fixing it the first time.

He was a gas engineer and there wasn't a boiler that he couldn't fix - he liked saving people money and would fix a boiler readily rather than saying a new one was required. He also knows that, the more parts you replace, the more unreliable an appliance becomes. He has mended boilers which he knew would be better being replaced to save people money - sometimes it's false economy. He would mend a boiler and tell the owner that it probably wouldn't last long, then get a call shortly afterwards demanding another call out immediately as it had broken down again.

My new dishwasher was installed yesterday - same make. I hope it lasts 15 years.

I moved into my first home 38 years ago and I've only ever had two fridges - we don't swap and change appliances for the sake of it. My hairdryer is probably antique.

Fair enough too, sorry I was a bit blunt.

He bought a BOAT without speaking to you?

Buy the dishwasher.

Of course you should tell your daughter about her child being bullied at football - it's disability discrimination. Your notDH has a terrible sense of judgement.

Though I also wouldn't necessarily believe his interpretation of what happened, but you or your daughter should attend football and film it. That football coach sounds terrible and unfit to teach children, the FA would not find that behaviour acceptable.

She should also contact the school about bullying and the horrible nicknames, and kick up a fuss.

Don't make the kids another generation to suffer in silence.