Exasperated with nip screw husband.

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

He has recently replaced DD's car and is allowing her to keep the money that she gets when she has sold her old car - which should be around £12,000. He is a generous father.

But he's a nip screw husband.

The dishwasher which I have had for 15 years broke down a month ago and instead of replacing it with a new one, he ordered the part required and fixed it himself (he's also very practical).

This part lasted short of a month and the dishwasher, which let's face it, is elderly, has again broken down.

It has been broken for a few days and I hate washing up as he insists on cooking and he uses every pot and utensil we possess.

I have sourced a replacement which can be picked up in store within the hour. But he says that he's going to fix the old one and 'don't you dare go wasting money'.

There are two days worth of dishes piled up in the kitchen because I am refusing to (blackmailing) hand wash anymore. He's stomping around effing and Jeffing because there are no clean teaspoons. Poor man.

Should I order whatever I want - I can get delivery tomorrow? Or wait for him to be bothered to order the part he thinks he needs - which may or may not fix an ancient relic?

Why is he generous with the children but not with me? Should I LTB? He hates me doesn't he?

Have just read YOUR posts. You are 1000% amazing, if I am even half the grandmother you are I would be truly exceptional. 💕💐

Husband is an arsehole, he gifts daughter a car and you get nothing, I'd buy what ever I want and maybe a divorce, no dishwasher he can wash up, go on strike, how can he waste money on a car for his daughter who already has one yet you get the mouldy old washer, sounds abusive to me, i hope your account is shared, I'd be spending, as it's financial abuse you are suffering from

I had an ex like this my boys father. As I’ve got older it amazes me that I put up with it. If something breaks I don’t ask any more I just go and buy.

THe football club needs to get rid of any coach who would mock a child in this manner, especially a disabled child. I am speechless that this happened and you're not sure whether or not to say something!

I would be raising hell!

I also don't chuck things that could be easily repaired too , but sensible enough to realise when something has had it's day . It's not YOUR dish washer OP ...surely it does the dishes for the whole family so you all benefit from a new efficient one ? He's had a go at fixing the old one which meant you squeezeed a bit more life out of it , which was great,but now he' really needs to let go and stop throwing good money after bad methinks.

Have you told your Doctor about his behaviour?

But I bet when it breaks he is not the one washing up, sounds like when it breaks OP has to do the washing up

So he bought a boat, but you are not allowed to buy a dishwasher for the house, he is a bully, and maybe you've been under his nastiness for so long you don't realise what he has been doing to you, he is controlling financially, but frivolous for the kids and himself, he obviously doesn't respect you at all, time for a divorce, what was his excuse for buying a vital boat?

I was imagining this happening. Point out to him how much flooring with need replacing after HE cleans up the flood.

It's not though if she is solely responsible for the dishes though, which she is. 15 years is good innings as well, and dishwashers have improved with power and water efficiency in that time.

As the mum of a kid with "invisible" (unless you are a good observer) ALN, I say tell your daughter. Your DGS will probably be feeling hurt by this horrible treatment, and needs his adults to stand up for him (why did your husband not have a firm word?). It is her decision as to whether she pulls the coach up on his unprofessional behaviour and/or moves him to a club with more inclusive coaching, but she can't do that if she does not know about the issue. Take a look at the link, and then I would ask the club how they are meeting their England Football responsibilities on the disability front:

https://learn.englandfootball.com/articles-and-resources/Welfare/resources/2023/Equality-Diversity-and-Inclusion-in-football

Sorry to hear about everything else. Sending a squeeze!

P.S. I moved my kid from a primary where they were not meeting need and not very nice with it, but it was made easier by the Covid break. Depending on his age, and if he has friends there, it might be best investing time in thoroughly researching which secondary would best meet his needs and be kind with it! We recently did transition to secondary, and it has gone suprisingly well. The school has mainstream (where my DC is), a small ALN support part (some of the offer - especially sensory stuff - would be perfect for my DC, but he won't go because he masks) and a unit for higher needs. Having the ALN support part means that they have staff who 'get it'. This is really useful in getting issues in mainstream dealt with.

Sorry, missed the bit where DGS turns 5 today.

Definitely tell his mum about the football - it would be awful for him to be spoken to like this regularly. The coach should be ashamed of his behaviour. Needs some very basic training in how to deal with children. Personally, if I had heard him say that to another child, I would raise it with the club and be considering removing my own child from contact with that coach. My kid does lots of sports (currently four, but has done another three in the past), and I have never heard a coach or staff behave like that to a child. Totally unacceptable.

If school is not meeting needs and being unkind to him or his parents/guardians, start looking for a better fit for primary. There are a lot of years to go before secondary. I know (from experience) that ALN/SEND provision is very patch, but school and SLT (Head & SENCo) attitude make a massive difference. Not all schools are the same.

As far as someone who is possibly brain-impaired and spending money very freely is concerned, I'd be keep8ng a close eye on his finances. He may be spending money he hasn't really got now...how is his pension?

This is off, he bought an actual boat without so much as a word but makes you return things you have bought? That sounds very controlling indeed. I think buy a dishwasher. If he wants it returned, he can organise that himself, then
buy a dishwasher from your own money and don't let him use it!

Better still, LTB and he can wash up his own pans.

Fuck the dishwasher, I'd be buying a diamond tiara! And I'd wear it everyday.

OP how about as a first step accepting the joint finances aren't working any more. You need instead one joint account into which you both put enough money to jointly pay the bills, divided fairly in accordance with your income amounts. The rest of what you earn is yours to do whatever you want with. A dishwasher is for the house so should be a joint expense to be discussed and both contribute towards. A boat comes out of his own spending money. Gifts to others, generous or not, comes out of his/your own spending money, depending on who's friend it's for.

You don't need his permission for this. Open up a bank account in your sole name. Take 50% of whatever is in each of the joint accounts and put it into your bank account. Then all except one (the one you'll pay the bills from), have your name removed from all the other joint accounts (so he can't run up debts that you're liable for).

If you end up buying a dishwasher out of your personal spends, make sure you take it with you if you ever leave him.

@Gairsorry I see you're quoting someone. I thought you'd posted in error

It's not something I'd ever thought I'd say but spit in his cup. And then let that be the last cuppa you ever made him.
Not quite the same as he had recently more or less left me at a similar age, but when he accused me of putting ground glass in his food that food which has exactly 0 bits of ground glass in, which I was eating too was the last I'll ever have made him.
(Does Waitrose even sell little tubs of ground glass?)

This!
Ex was a bit like this, wouldn't pay someone to fix something because he could fix it but wouldn't fix it
And I'm actually a great believer in keeping things going, whether they be a washing machine. Dishwasher or car. But there comes a tipping point where trying to fix something is a waste of money because something else will go then something else, and by that point you'd have been able to have bought half a new dishwasher/washer with a guarantee for at least one year probably more. With a life expectancy of maybe another 16 years
Sometimes being a nip curn can work out a lot dearer in the end

It's just a variant of the phase nip.curn which refers to a miser back in the days when currants etc were weighed out by the ounce or pound. A miserly grocer would nip a currant in half to avoid giving you more than you'd paid for. I remember screws being weighed out for sale, a nip screw ironmonger would rather chop a bit off a screw to give you the exact weight and leave you with half a screw (and him with the bottom half of the screw that he couldn't use, ) rather than let you have a tiny bit more than you'd paid for. At least you can put half a currant in a cake, you can't use half a screw, so someone like that is not only mean and miserly but also a curmudgeon, a dog in the manger.
I think it is an ideal description for the OP's husband

It sounds as if he could go and live elsewhere easily and shout at the sheep or whatever is near the caravan. It does sound like he has some sort of dementia (or whatever you call such brain changes) from the surgery. I know my FIL had (planned surgery on his heart, and while that gave him a longer life, the factors that had affected his heart were still there and he did go down with vascular dementia, which he wouldn't have done I suspect, it if he did not for as long had he not had the surgery. It mainly intensified his personality traits, meanness, selfishness etc. the family didn't seek help until it was too late to do things like selling up and moving to a.smaller more accessible place, which would have helped, MIL had wanted to move for years and could have had they sorted out powers of attorney. Instead they spent all their money on making unsuitable house suitable, lived in it 9 months until MIL died and then had to move to a home.

Further to my last post just some thoughts based on the in-laws situation and mine
Is your house owned jointly? If so change it to tenants in common. Make a will leaving everything to your children not him. (Or leave him a lesser amount) If you die before he does, he will blow through the money.
I'd let his GP know and if possible the hospital team who asked about changes initially is there anything that can be done. If so worth trying to get him to seek help. If there is and he refuses to do it then a difficult choice. Would the doc think he didn't have full capacity, if so then he shouldn't have access to the money to spend like he is. He won't be able to make a will.or.change his will.if he lacks capacity.If he hasn't capacity he shouldn't be operating a bank account. Legal advice needed
I became divorced at 60, (abandoned at 57). Best thing that could happen to me, in retrospect. But now ex didn't have dementia just an arsehole.
In a divorce division of assets starts at 50 50. They make sure that both of you have a roof over your head and that you have enough to live on. And basically things are divvied up equally.
What ex did was long out the divorce proceedings, he's rather have me spend money because of that meaning less money to share, just because. Sounds as if yours would do that on steroids.
Yes we all criticise men who leave their wives just because they get cancer, for no other reasons. This isn't really the same. You didn't deserve him, according to him he is perfectly healthy. His behaviour iis unreasonable. Not that you need that sort.of.groinds any more.
I'd find out from the docs what is the prognosis, whether he could.improve and whether he has capacity. Maybe even is his condition life limiting and if so is it 5 years. 10 years, 20 years..... That would.give you a starting point
Then I'd get some legal advice as to what would happen should you decide to take matters further.
Lots to think about
I'd say don't leave the house unless the abuse becomes intolerable and if it does, well abuse is abuse, get the police involved and seek help.from women's.aid. Financial.abuse is abuse just the same as walloping you.
Glad you've got a dishwasher, if you were still without one I'd have suggested that you piled up all the dirty crocs in the boat!

I'd be very careful with changing to Tenants in Common (even if your husband would agree). I'm not sure, but I thought that Tenants in Common can put up their share of the property for sale without the agreement of the other owner/owners. Joint tenancy at least saves you from having part of your home sold out from under you. Also, in case of divorce, a court would try to ensure that both parties had adequate housing. Since @MyOtherCarIsAPorsche provides a lot of childcare for disabled DGs, she might be able to argue that she needs to keep the house for that, and the husband could live in their other small property.

@Gair

TiC does allow each person to sell their share, but there isn't much of a market for buying half a house.

I was actually advised to do this by the attorney handling my legal separation. But it was more to protect me & my half interest from any debt he accrues after I left or if he is ever sued as TiC only allows a lien to be placed on his share. Joint tenancy means the lien would encompass the whole house. Unfortunately, where I live in the US both parties have to agree so it was a non starter. She also informed me that TiC wouldn't affect an order from a judge to sell the house, so I assume (and it's only an assumption) that if OP were to divorce she could still petition to keep the house, although it's likely she'd have to buy him out.

OP needs to seek legal advice before doing anything. Getting legal advice early was the best thing I've ever done.

Unfortunately, I don't think OP is in the place mentally or emotionally to understand why she needs legal advice, even if she chooses to 'stick it out'.

In England and Walesat least (don't know about Scotland) you can sever the tenancy on your own.
But yes absolutely legal advice needed, nobody should do anything like that without legal advice. And it might already been held in cinmin. This was the suggestion by my solicitor in my case, along with the will just in case I snuffed it. I guess I was thinking as he is being financially irresponsible it would be a protection, he wouldn't be able to do daft things
But first needs to investigate the medical side of things before all of that so op knows where she stands with that
Actually I do know someone who bought half a house but it was a pretty weird situation and the house was big enough to actually split!