To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

It depends on

1. do you want to be a SAHM?
2. can you manage financially on one wage?
3. Do you work in a field where you could find a new job fairly easily?

For me the answers would have been yes, no, no so I ended up working part time for a few years.

You have to do what’s best for you, there’s nothing wrong with being a SAHM, enjoy your DC while they’re little. Potentially you might only need to do it for a year or two until your eldest is in school and your youngest gets some free childcare hours.

Why do you think people need to advise women of their entitlement to state benefits do you think? (Spoiler.... Its almost always because a man isn't providing for her and his children and she has lost her ability to earn enough to do it herself)
If you're worried about women claiming benefits, you should be strongly urging women to avoid financial dependency on one man and his whims. Because its when he stops paying, if the woman isn't earning, the state needs to step in.

I really wouldn’t advise any woman puts herself in this precarious situation. If something happens to your DH- he gets sick/disabled, passes away or actually just leaves, you will be in a position where you need a job again to survive. Employers do not look favourably on anyone with big gaps in employment, even if easily explained. It’s also a very brutal job market out there right now and will get worse with AI. I just wouldn’t risk being so financially reliant on someone else.

Either have the second child and accept you will be poorer but you want two so whatever or don’t and stick with one.

Two siblings does not guarantee they won't be lonely. Friends of mine have a boy and a girl, two years apart, they couldn't be more different and have no real interest in each other.

If that is your sole reason you may well be disappointed.

You need to think of your child and not be so selfish. People make more difficult situations work, yours isn't a bad situation at all. Your son needs and deserves a sibling if its physically possible.

Don’t be ridiculous.

I think you've had some good advice on this thread OP. I would be careful about assuming once both of the kids go to school then working will suddenly be easier, unfortunately it doesn't always work like that. I have actually found it harder in some ways - good quality wraparound care in harder to find than a good nursery place, and the school holidays/ inset days/ etc are really hard to manage while working. Neither of mine were able to cope with the after school club at four years old- it's noisy, chaotic, full of kids of all ages. It's fine once they are older (y3/4/5) and have a gang of mates they all go with. But the first couple of years of primary are still very tough childcare-wise I found.

Has he submitted a flexible working request for a set shift pattern? Even one set day off a week would be a start.

But as PP have said, as you are unmarried then you’ll be in a more vulnerable position if you stop work so you need to protect yourself.

I haven’t RTFT but you’re unreasonable for:

a) thinking kids in school are easier logistically than kids in nursery
b) unilaterally issuing an ultimatum without discussing things with your partner such as changing jobs
c) quitting your job whilst unmarried

Your baby is still quite young so you've got time and options. Could you look into moving jobs OP? Could your DH not get set days so he could do future pick ups/drop offs. I would not give up my job because you are considering baby no2 you don't know what's round the corner! You need some form of income of your OWN even if its part time OP.

People don't "deserve" siblings. What a ridiculous thing to say. I have two siblings, one I'm indifferent to and have no relationship with and the other who is such a loathsome individual that the mere mention of his name wants me to rip my own eyeballs out.

I had two kids and while I love my baby, I wish I'd stuck at one for the sake of my mental health and life happiness.

I think he is being unreasonable .I grew up as an only child .nearest cousin in age 20 years plus! She was travelling the world in a good job .I was a shy 9 yr old.We went to the zoo, and similar outings and I still see her now.But in no way comparable to having a sibling.It is what it is, I think nowadays it is difficult to be a SAHM and most young women work.I was a SAHM 20 years ago and it was hard then .Its not up to him Im afraid .You will be carrying his child ,birthing it and no doubt be the default parent to boot!

Absolutely agree. Once kids are at school it's so much harder. You've got a much shorter day to work, 13 weeks of school holidays to cover. Kids want to do after school clubs. Take me back to the nursery days it was a dream!

I would also be very careful listening to the “i’ve done that, children are now grown and i’m back in a great career” group.
Yes, it is possible. However, the job market has changed a lot, knowledge changes rapidly and the chance of getting back into a career with a 6 year break or similar are not great (the first couple of years of school are logistically a ton harder than nursery).

Two things:
Firstly, an only child doesn’t need to be lonely, even when sans cousins etc. It sounds like all the oxygen in your family growing up was taken by your brother’s needs. Otherwise, your parents would have had more time, energy and other resources to put towards things like play dates and activities for you.
Secondly: what happens if you have a second child, and they are disabled in some way, perhaps like your brother? You would then be effectively ensuring that your current child has a childhood like your own, which sounds like the very thing you want to avoid. Could you as a family parent your children the way you want to if a second child has problems?
You may have a second child and everything be wonderful, but you need to be prepared for what you will do if not.

Like Op needed and deserved a sibling who took all the family’s attention and oxygen, and still does? A sibling that meant she grew up lonelier than an only child? A sibling that she will need to care for as an adult when her parents are no longer capable of?

I'd go for it! Seems really sensible to go back after this mat leave and then change life style for a little bit in order to cover the cost of not working whilst you have little ones.
If you know you can pick up shifts that fit round your DHs work then that's ideal......

If he is set on having 2dcs, then he makes the life changes to make this happen.

He looks for a new job that is not shift work with irregular shifts or he investigates if he can get set working days as part of a flexible working request for childcare. (Women do this all the time - they have jobs with irregular shifts but request set shifts for childcare once they have dcs, do not let him tell you he can’t even ask). If he had 1 or 2 set days off in the working week, you could make 2 dcs work much more easily.

You don’t give up work as an unmarried woman on a lower wage. That’s madness.

He makes the life changes to ensure he can have the family he wants. He has to be prepared to do the work. If he’s not prepared to even try asking for set shifts for childcare purposes or look for another job that doesn’t have changeable shifts, then he’s not really committed to the idea of 2 dcs.

Has your DP looked into having a year of paternity leave from his job and possibly being a SAHP for a few years? Has he even put in a flexible working request with his employer?

It’s absolutely fine to say that you’re very happy with one child and really don’t want another one.

How much do you earn? Is it the type of role you can step back into at the same pay level?
No one has to become a sahp. I worked and the childcare bill was more than I earned for 3 years but we viewed our joint income as a whole.

I think it's also worth bearing in mind that you have autism in the family and that as it often runs in families your current child and your next child have an increased chance of being autistic.

I don't know if that would affect your decision, but it could mean that things wouldn't necessarily get easier as they get older - and they may actually get harder. It's not always clear when they're young either as it's such a spectrum, DS wasn't diagnosed until secondary school age.

Hmm since my mum died I've not seen my brothers at all. Not since her funeral.we are in our 50s. How long before they get more important?

I was a stay at home mum. I absolutely loved it. I wish governments and society would make it easier (financially and in terms of getting back in to a career) and more acceptable for mums (or Dad's) to be SAHM's for those earlier years before full time school, rather than focus on making nursery's 'affordable'. I was a SAHM for about 4 years. I did get a part time job when the youngest went to half days nursery, and then full time when they were both full time at school. It worked brilliantly, although my husband is self employed so fairly flexible in terms of school pick ups and emergencies.

In terms of career I had a fairly good one with a good trajectory in central London pre-kids. Only in the last couple of years have I finally reached what I was earning in London when I left. If I stayed with that career I would probably be on double what I am now. I am back to where I was after 12 years of being a SAHM, then part-time jobs and now full time. I'm perfectly happy with that as I never had any grand plans for a career, there was never anything I wanted to be when I grew up, so I didn't feel I had lost anything as such. In fact I had gained something wonderful, 2 amazing children, my own home, and the opportunity to spend as much time as possible with them while they were little.

I highly recommend being a SAHM and having 2 children, they don't get on so much now (teen/pre-teen) but they did brilliantly when they were little. It was a very special time. My mum was an only child and she said it was very lonely despite having wonderful friends and neighbours, there was always something missing.

Only you can decided what is best for you, and your body. I don't think you, should have a second child unless you absolutely want that child though.

I put YABU on a few counts OP.

The first being your not married and therefore your putting yourself into a potentially financial risky situation. The second if you do become a SAHP your pension shouldn't be your sole responsibility.
Thirdly what do you think the majority of parents do?! Many parents don't have family support we balance childcare. It's also not only on you to sort childcare options you should be working as a team.
Fourth your baby is very young, your body will have no way healed enough to even be considering a second child and 2 under 2 or even under 3 is a handful. You don't have to make a decision right now unless there is medical/age factors involved.

And finally you are being a bit naive to think you can just get a job when they reach x age - it is very hard for women to get back into the workforce after extended breaks.

£2400 a month is not a comfortable salary for a family of four. If your husband wants another child, he needs to step up and make that possible. Either by requesting consistent shifts to work around childcare, or moving to a job that is more family friendly. Or upping his salary so that you can be a SAHM, and marrying you so that you are not left completely financially vulnerable. I don't see why he gets to demand what he wants and you're the one who has to make it work, at massive financial detriment to yourself.