To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

You can choose to have a SIPP. That's not really a valid reason to work maybe one day a week, which will not top up a pension much, even if such a job exists

This is spades

2600 per month
850 for mortgage
I’m going to underestimate these and be kind, another 400-450 for council tax, electric/gas, water, broadband etc
car costs per month- 200?
food etc 500
House insurance/life insurance etc 50

that leaves 550-600 leftover for saving and clothing, travel and incidentals. Not enough.

What is it with people and thinking their only child will be lonely without a sibling? Clouds all logical thought. Your kid will be just fine as an only child. There are these things called friends.
And yes in your messy situation I would not be bringing another child in to it.

The first is only seven months old.He might be severe nonverbal autistic. I'd wait first.

He wants a second child, so what is he exactly doing to plan for this? Or has he just raised it as an idea and is expecting you to run around finding solutions in order to effect his dream?

He wants the child so let him plan and find workable options to present to you. Which involve him making some effort and changes, not just you.

I think with such a young baby, it is too early to make a decision. Why don't park the idea for say two years and then see how you both feel then and see how finances are?

I would not recommend becoming a SAHM if you are not married, giving up your job would make you very vulnerable.

I have an only child, not through choice as I couldn't have any more. He is not lonely. He has a great array of friends and is very sociable. Siblings don't always get along. I know many people who have difficult or non-existent relationships with their siblings.

Just enjoy the baby you have and see how things go don't pressure yourself with deciding.

The majority of people that have kids let alone multiple have several years where the finances aren’t great. It’s just something you have to suck up. You shouldn’t give up your job though ever. You could however er equally reduce hours or find different jobs to suit different shift patterns. My husband worked Friday-Monday so that gave us three days with not needing g childcare . I worked full time and juggled the kids on those days.

Are you married to him? Start with that if not.

I think reasonable to stay at home until both in primary school so need to think about gaps on Cv.

First things first. I wouldn’t consider taking time out of the workplace if I were not married. He wants another kid, he needs to get married first.

So in which case you can make all the excuses you want but DP isn’t that committed to having children. The ball is in his court to start finding solutions/ put in a flexible working request.

But his man-job is just too important.

I think OPs brother has severe autism hence my comment. I didn't mean it in a bad way.

Well yes absolutely this as well. You are running yourself ragged over producing kids for this bloke and he hasn’t even bothered marrying you.

Also you won't get much of a pension on one shift a week.

I feel you make the same (sort of) mistake as many other women by assuming you must do short week, nursery pickups and sacrifice your career (the famous," my salary cover only 2 sets of nursery fees" so what's the point?)
Your husband needs to pull the weight here, not just you struggle to arrange flexible working.

Very few women who haven't got to this stage yet realise that things get more difficult, and not very much cheaper, when children start school, unless you are using a private primary school with integrated wrap-around care or have a nanny.

Not all primaries have the wraparound care of breakfast club and after school club, and those that do may be oversubscribed or be unsuitable for yR and y1 kids if they just have all the different yeargroups together as a 5/6yo can feel overwhelmed in a room of 10 year olds more than twice their size. Schools tend to expect you to be able to turn up at the drop of a hat for all sorts of reasons and term-time-only, school-hours-only jobs are incredibly difficult to find and are usually badly paid. It's not impossible, but it's a lot easier keeping a job going during the nursery years than it is during the early primary school years.

What will your plan be if child 2 has significant SEN as your brother does (these things are often genetic so this isn't very unlikely) and cannot fit in with your ideal plan?

This!

Never make yourself dependent, especially if you aren’t married. He could walk out on you tomorrow and wouldn’t owe you a thing. You need to be working and saving for your own security.

I don’t notice him offering to derail his career for the privilege of having another child.

Most research shows that the majority of adults really benefit from siblings. And that these relationships get more and more important as we get older.

I see that amongst my friends. Especially when our children leave home and our parents get elderly and_or die.
My sister and I did not get on as kids but now she is one of my favourite people and we speak every few days and go on holidays together.

If your main reason is to provide your child with a sibling that wouldn’t have been enough for me to have a second.
Siblings are not guaranteed to get along, 2 of mine are so dissimilar, fight and have nothing in common…. I imagine that when they are adults they will have pretty much nothing to do with each other.
If I was you I would have a bigger gap if you do want two, there is 4 years between my middle and youngest and they get on so well, the middle one was in reception by the time the baby came along. The older two have a small (planned) age gap and I wish I had spread them out but I thought having them close together would mean that they get on…
My DH has siblings, they are not close at all. They see each other maybe 2-3 times a year despite all living within the same area. They are much closer to their childhood friends then to each other.

I have a younger sibling. As adults, I adore him. As children we were not close at all, I don't think I'd have noticed if he wasn't there 🤷‍♀️

Also, this thread is the joy of Mumsnet. Usually the post is 'I've had children and been a sahm and my partner has left' and the responses are all a) why have you had children without being married and b) why have you made yourself so financially vulnerable. This thread the majority are saying go for it!
I'd also consider what if the second child has additional needs and you simply can't go back to work.
Personally, if you want a second, surely it makes sense to do it whilst current child is young, so they're both in nursery together, there's a shorter period of one in nursery, one in school, they might get on better without a big age gap?

@JayleaMine there's only so much you can plan for with a baby. While it's good to consider everything, there's no knowing if you'll get pregnant tomorrow or if it will take four years.

Step one is get back in work after this maternity, give it a bit of time and reassess how you all feel.

Is some of this wrapped up in not really wanting to go back? I think most of us felt like that. And it is quite an adjustment to start with but it gets easier.

Until you've done step one you can't really decide on steps four and five.

Why don't you save all of you salary from now on. Pretend it doesn't exist. That will help you to establish if it's feasible and will give you a buffer.

I have a four year age gap because I wasn't sure and things didn't happen as I'd have liked. But it's been brilliant. Kids are really close but it was easier to manage.

@JayleaMine i think they are describing the state of the world not your life! 🥴

If the main reason for having another child is for company for your DS, then I wouldn't. There's no guarantees this will happen, they may not get along, or if they're non verbal etc, your DS may end up arranging care for them down the line. In my case both siblings moved abroad for work, one of them hasn't been back to this country in almost a decade now.

I would encourage hobbies and support DS with building relationships outside of family. I live a 4 hour round trip from my Mum, so don't see her as often as I would like. Her sister emigrated in the early 90s and she hasn't seen her since then, her other sister she sees occasionally and doesn't really get on with! She has a strong community around her, with neighbours and friends she's met through Church, volunteering etc. Not having a sibling doesn't mean he has to be lonely in life.

I think YANBU to suggest being a SAHM if you do try for a second baby. I would make sure you're not financially vulnerable as PPs have mentioned and that it's 100% what you want and not something you're going along with mostly to make you DP happy.

If people don't have children the state of everything won't matter.

I think you need to involve your DP in some very blunt contingency planning.

What if you need to support two elderly parents and your sibling at the same time as raising your own children? Is he going to help you with that? Are you all going to relocate nearer them? Does he envisage extended visits abroad if his own parents need support? Is he imagining you will all accompany him? What if your second child has additional needs? How would you both manage in these circumstances?

I think it is easy for him to have romanticised ideas about growing your own family when it is you who will be the primary carer for a great many people. Open his eyes about the realities of that - and share your worries about caring for your own family in the future.

Maybe the solution to his familial loneliness is to become more connected to your existing families. Or to become more involved in friendships and community activities and create a mutually supportive extended family of choice that way.

Research also shows that only children aren't any more lonely that those with siblings. There's benefits for both siblings and only children. And I work in elderly social care and it's really 50/50 whether siblings support or not. In many cases, siblings actually contribute massively to the stress of caring due to the relationships between them.