To tell my partner I’ll only have a 2nd child if I can be a SAHM?

[JayleaMine]

Our first is 7 months old. I’ll be going back to work when he’s 9 months, I’ve had to fight tooth and nail with work for them to agree to flexible working when I go back - I’ll be doing 4 days and finishing half an hour early to do the nursery pick-up. I was mostly happy with one and done, I figured we’d have a few years that’d be a bit tight financially but then he’d start school and childcare costs would decrease and then we’d have the money to give our boy a great life.

However DP is now saying he wants 2. I can’t see how it is going to work unless I am a SAHM. I can understand DP’s reasons for wanting to give DS a sibling. DP’s family are all abroad in a country that is not feasible for us to move to (very bad economy, no jobs). My mum and dad live an hour away, and they had me older and are pushing 70, they are also full-time carers to my brother who has autism and are in denial about the fact that he’ll need to go into supportive living eventually. I’ll end up organising provision for all 3 of them in the future which makes me feel ill with dread. I have a half sibling on my dad’s side but I expect she’ll only help with my dad.

I understand DP’s perspective in that our child will be lonely - we do know other one-child families but those kids have cousins. Our child won’t have anyone at all. I remember being a lonely kid growing up with a half-sister 20 years older than me and then a non-verbal autistic sibling who never acknowledged my existence. I’d love my boy to have a sibling to grow up with.

Even though my heart wants 2, I don’t see how it will work. Especially during the stage where one child will be at school and the other at nursery, and I would spend more on childcare than I would working until they reach the age where they are both at school and then have to be in 2 places at once come 5:30 to get one from nursery and the other from school. DP has rotating shift patterns so whilst he is a hands on loving dad, we can’t plan childcare around him. Dp changing jobs in not an option as if he stays at his current job a few more years there will be opportunities for a brilliant promotion.

The reasons we want 2 (for our son to have company as no family nearby) are the same reasons I feel like we can’t have 2 (no family support nearby!).

I think the only solution is that I do go back to work after this maternity leave (and save as much as I can in that time!), and then once I go on maternity with a potential second child then I will stay out of work until both are in primary school, and then go back to work. My partner earns £600 a week after tax and we’ve figured we can make it work (if we cut back on holidays, eating out, get rid of the nice SUV lease car and get a run-around) but I think DP is apprehensive as he grew up in severe poverty in his home country.

Just curious what others would do in our situation?

Don'f become a SAHM unless you get married first. This is really important OP.

Even a minimum wage job is significantly more than £1000 per month! Plus 30 funded hours per week doesn’t necessarily mean the cost would be £1000; I know parents who get the 30 hours who are paying quite a bit less than that. A childminder can work out cheaper too. And once one child is at school you’re only paying wraparound

Your children won't necessarily get on!

The salary is too low with that high a mortgage to support 4.

I don't understand this reasoning that as your child doesn't have cousins they are automatically going to be lonely. Is your child not going to school, have play dates and activities where they will meet friends? I struggle to think of anyone who is closer to their cousins than their own friends.

There's no guarantee your child will get on with their sibling, I certainly wouldn't be using it as a reason to have another.

You’ll be more up to date on the childcare funding available now than I am, but I understand it’s much more generous than it was.

If you are talking about leaving your job eventually, why not extend your maternity leave to 12 months now? See how you get by on one income for 3 months. Then if you decide to go ahead with a second child, have them as close together as possible so they are only 2 school years apart.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM provided you both agree to it and can afford it. For some people being a SAHM is seen really negatively and some see working mums negatively. You have to do what you want and what is right for your family.

In theory I agree with you. Two working parents and two small children, unless you have a load of family support, is ridiculously hard and horribly stressful.

I do wonder if your dh salary is enough to do this? Would you be able to save? What if he lost his job.

I was a sahm for the majority of my DC lives....it made life so much easier. We aren't rich and made sacrifices.

Sorry I'm not sure what the answer is here but I understand how you feel. Juggling work and children is so hard and so draining despite what some on here may tell you.

Your DP obviously needs to get a job more suited to family life, and then you can make a second child work between you. I'm baffled as to why ylu both haven't thought of this, and ALL of the proposed changes only involve you.

Millions of families manage that. It's really not that hard. I think you are catastrophising how difficult it is going to be.

Why on earth wouldn't you? It's the fulfillment of our purpose on this earth. Choosing empty hedonism over that is a sad choice. Thank goodness all the extremists are anti-natalists, it'll be gone in the next couple of generations.

1. A sibling does not guarantee a BFF for life—your own life experience is evidence.
2. I am not a geneticist—are your brother’s special needs hereditary? Do you have a support system in place to do what your parents do for your brother?
3. Having babies out of wedlock is a huge financial gamble. If married, you’re entitled to 50% of DH’s pension in the event of a split. If DP decides to walk, you are entitled to 0% of his pension/assets. You have already dropped 20% of your salary (and pension). This will have a long-term effect on the growth of your pension pot and on your prospects in retirement—fine if you have a claim to DH’s pension, but reckless as you have 0% claim to DP’s pension.

£600 a week isn’t a lot to live off. Your DC would get the 30 free hours at nursery, could you not reduce your hours (work 3 days per week) and still have more income?

I disagree...it can be an absolute nightmare. I had one DC in nursery and was working full time...the trains were often late so I'd be rushing like a mad woman to pick him up before they closed. Then there were days when he was sick and I had to beg work for time off. Add a child in school to the mix and logistically you are dealing with two drop offs, Inset days, school holidays, parents evenings, two bouts of illnesses, doctors appointments.... without considerable family support, you're run ragged.

It seems OP you are the one having to consider all the changes to accommodate what dp wants. His job is not sufficiently remunerated to support what he wants and his work pattern doesn’t support it either!

You potentially end up doing hospitality shifts for a few quid as a trade off - stuff that!

Time it so your first child is getting 30 free hours before you go back to work after second child, or better still, time it so they'll be starting school (3.5 year gap, maternity ends once oldest starts school). You'll not have 2 full sets of nursery fees then. Picking up one from nursery and one from school is not an issue in the slightest, most of the country do it.

Giving up work is not a great idea.

Have you considered a term time role? Schools need more than just teachers so if your current role is Finance/IT/admin you could probably find one! Check out TES jobs or MyNewTerm and you’ll see the range of jobs.

That helps reduces childcare costs as you can send your child to a term time nursery (often a bit cheaper), but still gives you a salary and a pension.

Would you not qualify for the new childcare funding once second baby is 10 months? Are you in England?

I would maybe wait and see if your child has severe autism before trying for another one.

I’d do it but only if you are married. You have no security otherwise

Also when I had two, one in school, I used a local childminder. It was great - she picked up from school and I only had one place to pick up from at 5.45pm.

In your situation I'd stick with the one child. If you really want another child now, you could use the benefits calculator to see if you'd get a UC top up? So you could be a sahm.

This was our agreement as I didn’t want dc at all due to my ASD as didn’t think I’d cope with both and dh wanted a family so I gave up work to have dc. It just wouldn’t work otherwise. In your circumstance I think it’s reasonable too.

Why is an only child lonely with no cousins? I know at least 6 'only' kids with either no close family or no extended family at all, who have loads of friends and are grateful for time alone as they're always so busy

In addition.....if your husband wants a second child HE should step up and work out childcare and finances

If he doesn't , you'll feel so resentful and this will grow over time.

I have done it for years, I know what it is like. I didn't say it's easy. I just said it's doable and that many many families manage without the need for a SAHM. It's frankly ridiculous to suggest that having a a child in nursery and one in primary school requires a Sahp.